In Lieu of A Monthly Wrap Up

Over the last few months I have come to realize our home is not just a haven for us, but a haven to many.  I am pleased that our home is full of love, and that all creatures feel comfortable here.  There are moments when I am enjoying a cup of hot coffee and I look around to find cats are meowing happily, kids playing and singing with joy, and... okay, lets be real - it is a complete fantasy.

However, our home seems to be the place everyone and everything wants to be.  Not a day goes by when I haven't bandaged up a child's boo-boo, placed an ice pack on a bump, settled a dispute, chased a ball across our busy street, chased a dog around the backyard to give back a toy, made an extra pb and j for a hungry mouth, said, "no," to a child begging for another sweet.  But sometimes this joyful chaos feels like my mantra should be:

And there are times I think, "God, why on Earth did I commit to homeschooling my children and continuing with my teaching business?"  And then I hear a giggle, a "thank you, Mommy" or "thank you Miss Michelle," and I think, "Yes, I can do this...I can provide the loving environment that my girls and other children (and critters) need."

I find balance in the chaos by reassuring moments that remind me why I wanted to be a teacher and mother. Those moments are not always there - believe me I'm not perfect nor are my children - but they are the essential ingredients in my life as a Mother and Teacher.

August Wrap-Up

August proved to be a very relaxing month.  My surgery was not as successful as I had hoped.  I am still leaking.  The doctor told me it was from the surgery, but I am thinking it is also urine.  I go to the doctors on Friday, so hopefully at that point I will have more information.

Now for the standard wrap-up:

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet. Read as much as possible.

I read two enjoyable books: Mennonite in a Little Black Dress and The Wednesday Sisters.  I also received all our curriculum and made certain what was required of me.  I was also very privileged to win a free ticket to a week-long homeschool webinar.  It was super informative, and I loved having the opportunity to connect with people, and get energized to teach this year.

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I have started to walk distances again, and it does help my moods.  As for losing the weight...ugh...lets not go there.

Goal #3: Give more.

Our financial donation was to The Henry Ford.  However, during the month my girls and I donated towels to the animal shelter and they raised money with their friends for St. Jude.  I am currently chairing up a mini mission at our old church (which is our current church too) for the Ronald McDonald House Charities.  I never found a replacement church, and I need to be with people who are open to whom they accept (i.e. everyone).  I am not comfortable in a church that picks and chooses scripture to support their views.  I also feel women need to have an opportunity to pastor, not simply pushed to the side.

And another month begins....

July Wrap-Up

This month was one of making decisions.  I made the decision to get the pelvic floor surgery, and I decided to homeschool the Ladybugs this fall.  This is a huge decision for me, as I am hoping I can handle it.  I also started writing my memoir about my time with Bonnie.  It is a memoir of love and friendship, and I have tentatively titled it, "My Faith Through Her Eyes."

Now for the updates"

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet. Read as much as possible.

I spent the majority of my free time writing the memoir.  I read a few memoirs, preparing for my writing. I was also consumed with researching homeschool curriculum.  

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.

As I mentioned above, I got the pelvic floor surgery.  Unfortunately I don't feel as if the leaking has decreased, and I am very depressed about my body and how it works.  I have an appointment tomorrow to speak with the doctor, and I hope things can be explained then.  Losing sight of hope.

Goal #3: Give more.

The donation for July (and August) was to The Henry Ford, which includes the Henry Ford Museum and Greenfield Village.  The Village is a sanctuary for me; that is, when there isn't a special weekend or event happening.  I am calmed by the simplicity in the living and inventions that made life easier.  It is a lovely place to visit, even a few hours, and the donation provides our family with free visits all year long.  

This year has been one of upheaval, but we continue to forge ahead into the unknown future.

June Wrap-Up

This month has been a busy and quick one, if nothing else.  The Ladybugs are working Little House in the Big Woods curriculum from The Prairie Primer.  I was lucky enough to find a gently used book on ebay, but the curriculum is worth more.  So far we have made butter, a corncob doll, and worked on a lap book that was illustrated here: marinecorpsnomads.com 

I also got a new (vintage) vehicle.  Her name is Lady Bird, and she is a 1996 Pontiac Bonneville with only 27,000 miles.  My Grandpa, Ray, is no longer able to drive (pretty good run for a almost 95 year-old), and he passed along his gem to me.  After a charge to the air conditioner, the only thing that needs to be fixed is the tape deck.  I think an aftermarket CD player would be an easy addition to Lady Bird.

I could probably go on about our family, but it is now time for the monthly wrap up.

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet. Read as much as possible.

I had a very good month when it came to reading.  I read two books that I could not help but recommend - "The Divergent" and "The Insurgent" by Veronica Roth.  I also read a very heartwarming book, "The House at Riverton" by Kate Morton.  I have also been deeply engaged in "The Well Trained Mind," which is pictured below:

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I have found a new product for my face - Simple Skin Care  It is so gentle, that I have only been using witch hazel and the cocoa face mask on occasion.  I have also found a new tool that I must say is so cool, I cannot believe I never owned it let alone heard of it before this month.  It is called a pore extractor, and by God it is the coolest tool EVER!

This is the exact one I bought, from Target, for under $10.

I have also started using this new foot cream that has given me hope I will no longer need monthly pedicures to remove the hard crust from my heels.  It has been about a week and a half, but my feet aren't nearly as crusty as they usually are.  The product is called Epoch Sole Solution.

Tuesday is supposed to be my 6th and final visit for Pelvic Floor Therapy, however, I will be calling tomorrow to schedule a surgery consultation instead.  Unfortunately the therapy is just not working, which has caused daily depression for me.  Logically I realize that I'm fine, but it is really difficult emotionally to deal with peeing myself many time daily.  The depression is also affecting my decision to continue homeschooling. I don't want to do wrong by my Ladybugs, but my heart says to continue with the homeschooling.

Goal #3: Give more.

I gave $100 to our local NPR radio station - WDET.  I do not listen to biased radio or television news programs, nor do I listen to current music stations.  I love the programming, and I really enjoy keeping abreast of local and national news, without a political spin to it.  I also spent time cleaning out our back storage area (we have two areas under our front porch that serve as storage for us), and we donated A LOT of clothing, household goods, and other items to Purple Heart, 10 years worth of electronic devices to Wayne Country, and puppy pee pads (Maggie hasn't need them in a long time) to the Dearborn Animal Shelter.  The Ladybugs have decided to sell lemonade this summer to collect money to give to animals in need, which makes my heart smile. My Eviebug even said to me, "Mommy, does giving make you happy?" And I said, "Yes, it does!"  Eviebug replied, "Me too!"

May Wrap-Up

Ah, yes, the time has come again for me to review what I have accomplished this month.  I must say that May has breezed by, quite possibly because we have been very busy with Birthdays, concerts, field trips, and learning together each day.

Okay...now for those silly goals I set on January 1st:

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet.
This goal is not any farther along, as I decided I do not like the Harry Potter books.  I tried, I gave it a really good effort...but the books did not appeal to me.  I would say I must be an oddball, because it seems everyone loves those books.  However, just like most everything else in my life - I'm unique.  So this goal is closed.  I am okay with this goal never being complete.

However, I did read a great book called "The Wilder Life" by Wendy McClure.  It is a story about her quest to find where Laura Ingalls Wilder grew up and the "Laura World" from her childhood.  I love Little House, so this was a perfect book for me.  My Ladybugs also enjoy the Little House series, so much so we are going to do a Unit Study with the book The Prairie Primer.  

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.
If you are interested in reading about my physical stuff of late, you can scroll through the last few blog posts.  I have started Pelvic Floor Therapy, and in one word it is: different.  It isn't bad, but honestly I really don't want to have surgery, so I'm hoping it works.  Mentally and emotionally I am doing well.  I feel very confident that our decision to remove the girls from their school was the right choice - emotionally as well as academically.  Even though we are waiting to hear on the boarder exemption, I am completely comfortable with my abilities to school the Ladybugs for as long as needed.  This is not a place I thought I would be, but here I am!

Goal #3: Give more.
I gave $100 to Friends for the Dearborn Animal Shelter this month.  I had a friend who walked with her two dogs in the annual FDAS Mutt Strutt.  Being able to give to this charity allows animals to be treated and cared for properly.  As for giving back...the girls and I have been collecting clothing and other household items to donate.  We have been so busy with commitments this month, we have not had the time to give time to others.  I am hoping that the summer months prove to be more flexible with time and our ability to give it freely.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You...

exhausted.

*Dear Reader, please note that this isn't a blog without medical terms and adult topics.  If you are at all squeamish  skip today's blog post*

Yesterday I went for the first of two urological tests to which I am scheduled.  This one was the one called Urogynamics.

two catheters in urethra; one in vagina

I was told that this procedure would be a bit more uncomfortable than the Cystoscopy scheduled for next Monday.  Regardless, I have always been very sensitive when it came to my anything related to my bladder/urethra/etc.  Therefore, I was quite nervous when I entered the doctors office.  Actually I went to the 3rd floor initially, rather than the 2nd floor, so you can see how I was consumed with fear.  

I signed in and the receptionist assured me that I was worried about nothing.  "The test will be over and done before you know it.  Don't worry, it doesn't hurt."  This of course did not make me feel better, but I must say the staff at this office is absolutely stellar.  I can also state that this receptionist had never had the procedure before.

The Procedure

I was escorted back the the same room I peed in the funnel during my appointment last week.  If you are curious what this funnel chair contraption looked like, here is a similar drawing:

First I was told to give a urine sample.  Peeing in a small cup might be daunting for some, however, I am a pro at it.  I returned to the room and was told to remove all clothing from the waist down, put on a comfy pair of socks, get seated in the chair, and pull a paper blanket over my lower half.  I was still very nervous, but I kept telling myself it wasn't going to be that bad.  I oftentimes over-think situations, and tend to imagine the worse scenario.

Two women technicians entered the room: one worked the computer to which my results would be calculated, and the other was the one who would do the actual insertion and manipulation of the catheters.  Yes, I said manipulation.  I knew there would be an overall discomfort and burning sensation, but I actually went into a panic attack that started with sweating and feeling like I was going to throw up.  The pain was completely unimaginable, and I felt like someone was taking a knife and inserting into my urethra.  My panic attack progressed rapidly, and I thought I would pass out.  The "insertion" nurse got the doctor (Mr. Handsome) and he came in and talked to me.  Apparently the first part of the test requires a lot of manipulation of the catheter.  I was told that am in the very small percentage that feels pain with this part.  But pain is putting it lightly.  I have had a lot of stuff happen in my nether regions during my lifetime, but nothing NOTHING compares to the excruciating pain I experienced during this procedure.

My doctor is such a kind man.  He encouraged me to continue, even though I wanted to rip the catheters out and run away fast (yes, even half naked).  He let me squeeze his hand to redirect the pain.  Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the manipulation part was complete.  Then came time for me to perform, oh yes, I had to cough and bare down in a variety of positions.  Then the two technicians filled my bladder up with fluid and when I felt like I had to pee, I was asked to perform all the same actions as before.  This time I did leak when baring down and coughing.  Which I knew would happen.  Then they filled my bladder with an obnoxious amount of water.  If you are at all aware of what a CC is (a cubic centimeter), I held 200 with the first bladder expansion and 500 with the second bladder expansion.  

After the second expansion, the ladies left the room.  I was able to pee in the funnel thing again, with the hope that I would be able to empty the vast amounts of fluid they had put inside my bladder.  I must say it felt so good to know the test was almost over.  I've never been so happy to pee in my entire life.  

The catheters came out and even though I thought I would be rid of the pain, I was not.  I got dressed, and tried to get comfortable while sitting.  One of the technicians came back in the room with a bottle holding 4 pills of Pyridium.  For those of you who have never had a bladder infection or UTI, Pyridium is this lovely pill that turns pee dark orange and numbs the general area.  She told me to take two then, and save the other 2 for later.  I wish they had given me 10 of these wonders, but that was all they were allowed to pass along.

In Conclusion

I really don't want to scare women away from getting this test.  After all, I was finally able to endure the unimaginable pain.  However, what I wanted to write is MY account of the procedure.  Because the information given by my doctor, and the information online, all told me it would be an easy cheesy experience.  For instance, here are some FAQs of Urodynamics testing given on the Gynecologic Specialists of Northwestern's website:

FAQ

How long does the procedure take?
The actual test takes anywhere from 15-30 minutes. Some women reach full bladder capacity with a small amount of water and leak early on. Others require a much larger volume (and a longer time to fill) than others. Filling out the questionnaire, getting ready for the test, doing the test and discussing the test often take up to two hours of office time, so please plan accordingly.

Can I have a guest in the room?
You may bring someone with you if you desire. They can be in the room during the testing, or, if you prefer, join you just for the discussion of results.

Is this test painful?
This test is not painful other than the discomfort of having a full bladder.

I once had a catheter inserted and it was very uncomfortable. Is this catheter the same?
The catheter we use for testing is significantly smaller than a Foley catheter, and in addition, no balloon is inflated to hold it in place. It is rare for someone to even be aware of its presence.

I feel uncomfortable losing urine in front of people. Who will be in the room?
The only people in the room will be your physician or physician assistant and a medical assistant to operate the equipment. The room is designed for you to lose urine (there is no carpeting!) and while it may seem strange to you, it is the best way to determine what your problem is so we can fix it. While some women consciously (or subconsciously) hold back from losing urine, please do your best to act as if we are not there.

As you can see from my experience, I was obviously not in the norm of patients.  I want my story to be out there, because even if I am in the minority here others could possibly identify with my experience.

I will continue to share my experiences in this blog, because if nothing else they help me deal with the emotional and difficult task at hand.

Cloudy With a Chance of Incontinence

I'm sure most people my age remember the commercial with the women who have to "GO RIGHT NOW!"

 

I seriously think that traffic cop is Susan from Sesame Street

So when I began having leakage, I didn't think it was the same incontinence thing as these women were experiencing.  They were older and they couldn't stop going.  Incontinence is an old people problem.  That's why there are adult diapers and the like.  Right?

Apparently not.

Hello.  My name is Michelle and I suffer from incontinence.

First Visit to the Urologist 
So I had my first visit with my new Urogynecology doctor yesterday.  I thought I would be seeing the main doctor, who is an older Indian gentleman.  But after having my vitals taken, discussing my history of bladder and vaginal health, and peeing in this funnel thing that was hooked to a computer for analysis, this tall VERY good looking African American doctor entered the room.  His smile was contagious, and he was just as nice as someone could be.  He was checking things out as he asked my profession.  I told him I taught piano and voice, and he pulled his hand out and said, "NO WAY!  I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO TAKE PIANO LESSONS!  DO YOU THINK I'M TOO OLD?"  At this point, I wanted to crawl in a hole and pretend I was somewhere else.

After some small talk, the exam continued.  I was told to cough while laying down, then while sitting (mind you my legs were spread eagle this entire time).  Nothing was leaking.  Then, I was told to stand (still with my legs wide stride) and cough.  Success!  The doctor clapped and said, "Good job!"  And I stood there looking at him quite perplexed.  I had peed on the floor, and the doctor couldn't have been prouder if I won a medal of honor.  He shook my hand, told me we would talk more about piano lessons, and left the room.  The nurse gave me paperwork, a diary to keep a pee log, a container to collect my pee, and info on two procedures I will need to have.  It was so much information, I pretty much blanked out.  But I did catch on that having incontinence affects 1 in 4 women, and can occur in her 30s.

I am not thrilled with getting invasive procedures, and truthfully I prolonged this doctor visit because of them. However, if 2013 is going to be a year I get healthier, I must take care of this obvious problem.

I don't want to go in graphic detail, but the procedures are: Urogynamics and Cystoscopy.  

April Wrap-Up

April came and went, and just like that I am back to see how I fared this month.

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet.
I suppose that by now I should have completed the entire series of Potter books.  But for whatever reason, I cannot get into that series.  It's only May, so I have time.  But I did read a hilarious memoir called, "Bossypants," by Tina Fey.  It was really fun.  Not as laugh-out-loud crazy as a few other memoirs I've read lately, but it was just what I needed.  I also completed the book, "Killing Lincoln," by Bill O'Reilly.  Fantastic account of the last days of President Lincoln.  Just loved it.  Would totally recommend reading it (especially if you like the Civil War time period or history).

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.
My weight seems to continue to look me in the face and laugh.  However, emotionally I am feeling fantastic, and mentally I have been really enjoying teaching the Ladybugs.  So two out of three is pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.  I am going to a new doctor on Monday, as I have been leaking (gradually peeing myself) for about 6 months now.  I haven't really shared this info with anyone else, but I thought it was time to share that physical hurdle I must climb.

Goal #3: Give more.
This month I spent time with students accompanying them in a performance.  I had recorded a CD, but I felt being there was much better than simply letting them fend for themselves.  It was remarkable.  I also spent countless hours opening my home to our neighbor boys.  I just love them...and I know my open-door policy allows their parents to get a bit of relaxation.  We gave $100 this month to Autism Speaks, as April is Autism Awareness month.  I know many children who have been diagnosed with Autism or ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorders).  My Zoe has anxiety and some sensory issues, but I have always had a place in my heart for children who were "different".  In fact, I tend to gravitate towards teaching special kids.  I love the variety and I understand them better than I imagine many other private piano/voice teachers.

Hope everyone had a wonderful April.

March Wrap-Up

March has definitely been a month of true change and introspection.  I have made decisions that will definitely change my life and the life of my Ladybugs.  I have always been confident before this school year.  However, I do hope that by the next "monthly wrap-up" I will be back to the old me again.

So lets get to the goals.

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet.
I was really doing well with Harry, really.  Until the stress of my job completely took over my every free thought.  Currently the Kindle app states I am 55% completed with the 3rd book in the series.  However, I also completed my first book using the Amazon Nook app, "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe".  I really enjoyed this book a lot.  Per a recommendation by one of the DHftMWNtB authors, I have also started reading, "Beyond Ordinary: When A Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough".  Right now my brain needs to read spiritual-focused books that restore my faith in humanity.

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I turned 38 on the 27th of this month.  I woke up feeling old.  I was emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually drained.  I quit my job and pulled the girls from the school the day after.  I know moving forward I did the right thing for us.  However, getting to the end was really stressful and anxiety ridden.  I took a look at my schedule this morning and there was space!  There is hope and that is the first step on a healthier path.  I also decided that my spirits soar when my house smells good (not just looks good).  So yesterday I bought two bunches of daffodils from Kroger (2 for $5), and my entire dinning room smells of spring.

Goal #3: Give more.
This month we gave $100 to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.  My God Mother and Aunt, Cindy, suffers from Primary Progressive MS.  I realize the small amount we donated is pennies in what is needed to discover a cure, however, I do believe that every little bit counts.  Unfortunately I did not donate my time to a cause or person needing help this month.  I hope to make up for that by spending extra time in April with volunteering.

Hope your month was productive!

February Wrap Up

The time has come again to assess the month's goals and activities.

I have to first state that February has been one of the toughest months I've had to endure in a long time.  And the truth is, it is probably the hardest month I've had to endure professionally.  I have lost trust in many, I have realized those who care about me and support me, and I have made major decisions on where the education of our Ladybugs will continue.

This being said, I have decided to privately blog about my experiences concerning the current school situation, and I will post them "live" when the situation is over or on the last day of school, whichever comes first.  This allows me to still write about what is happening, without having to stop trusting even more people in my circle of friends and acquaintances.  Yes, I have eliminated (blocked) most all the acquaintances from our school.  I have a few more to reassess today.  However, I cannot ignore the melancholy mood I am experiencing.  I am not able to simply "unfriend" people online, but rather I have to completely "block" them so they no longer are able to see ANY of my activity.

Now for the goals:

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet.
I am not a whole lot farther ahead on Harry than I was a month ago.  According to the Kindle app on my tablet, I am 50% completed with the third book.  I have been reading other books using the e-reader function, and I was also quite ill earlier this month.

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I successfully feel good about my new haircut.  I got my head cut and colored today, which ends the month on a bright RED note.  Of course with all the additional stress I'm under I must admit I am still neglectful with my body.  However, I did make a doctor's appointment for next Tuesday.  I have had to use Xanex since Monday, and feel as if I need to discuss my options with my doctor.  I am definitely in need of mental support, but hopefully the added psychiatric meds will be short lived.  

Goal #3: Give more.
This month we gave $100 to the American Heart Association Jump Rope For Heart program.  Friends of ours (Mother & Son) are both heart defect survivors.  Their donation page is here: Monty Ingham.  I also devoted a few hours to a dear friend who needed help organizing her home.  Out of the three goals, I think I'm having the most success on this one.  Well, there are still 10 months of the year to go.

January Wrap Up

It is the end of January, and I wanted to touch on my goals for 2013.  I had 3 goals for the year, and the results for January are below:

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet.
Currently I am on book #3.  I am enjoying my new tablet, and have embraced the new idea of reading digitally rather than paperback.

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.
The truth is: I am having difficulty focusing on myself this month.  We have been though quite a bit of upheaval this month, and food is something I find comfort in.  I know, I know, but I am being truthful here.

Goal #3: Give more.
I gave $100 to the Ronald McDonald House Charity earlier in the month.  Last week I gave a few hours to a teenager who needed to talk and share.  She is the daughter of a friend of mine, and I sincerely hope the time I gave her was beneficial.  I know that I learned a lot from just listening, which is definitely part of this goal.

How have you been doing with your 2013 goals?