June Wrap-Up

This month has been a busy and quick one, if nothing else.  The Ladybugs are working Little House in the Big Woods curriculum from The Prairie Primer.  I was lucky enough to find a gently used book on ebay, but the curriculum is worth more.  So far we have made butter, a corncob doll, and worked on a lap book that was illustrated here: marinecorpsnomads.com 

I also got a new (vintage) vehicle.  Her name is Lady Bird, and she is a 1996 Pontiac Bonneville with only 27,000 miles.  My Grandpa, Ray, is no longer able to drive (pretty good run for a almost 95 year-old), and he passed along his gem to me.  After a charge to the air conditioner, the only thing that needs to be fixed is the tape deck.  I think an aftermarket CD player would be an easy addition to Lady Bird.

I could probably go on about our family, but it is now time for the monthly wrap up.

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet. Read as much as possible.

I had a very good month when it came to reading.  I read two books that I could not help but recommend - "The Divergent" and "The Insurgent" by Veronica Roth.  I also read a very heartwarming book, "The House at Riverton" by Kate Morton.  I have also been deeply engaged in "The Well Trained Mind," which is pictured below:

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I have found a new product for my face - Simple Skin Care  It is so gentle, that I have only been using witch hazel and the cocoa face mask on occasion.  I have also found a new tool that I must say is so cool, I cannot believe I never owned it let alone heard of it before this month.  It is called a pore extractor, and by God it is the coolest tool EVER!

This is the exact one I bought, from Target, for under $10.

I have also started using this new foot cream that has given me hope I will no longer need monthly pedicures to remove the hard crust from my heels.  It has been about a week and a half, but my feet aren't nearly as crusty as they usually are.  The product is called Epoch Sole Solution.

Tuesday is supposed to be my 6th and final visit for Pelvic Floor Therapy, however, I will be calling tomorrow to schedule a surgery consultation instead.  Unfortunately the therapy is just not working, which has caused daily depression for me.  Logically I realize that I'm fine, but it is really difficult emotionally to deal with peeing myself many time daily.  The depression is also affecting my decision to continue homeschooling. I don't want to do wrong by my Ladybugs, but my heart says to continue with the homeschooling.

Goal #3: Give more.

I gave $100 to our local NPR radio station - WDET.  I do not listen to biased radio or television news programs, nor do I listen to current music stations.  I love the programming, and I really enjoy keeping abreast of local and national news, without a political spin to it.  I also spent time cleaning out our back storage area (we have two areas under our front porch that serve as storage for us), and we donated A LOT of clothing, household goods, and other items to Purple Heart, 10 years worth of electronic devices to Wayne Country, and puppy pee pads (Maggie hasn't need them in a long time) to the Dearborn Animal Shelter.  The Ladybugs have decided to sell lemonade this summer to collect money to give to animals in need, which makes my heart smile. My Eviebug even said to me, "Mommy, does giving make you happy?" And I said, "Yes, it does!"  Eviebug replied, "Me too!"

Tuesdays with Kelly

*Please note that below is graphic in nature, and may not be suited for all readers.*

I found myself, again, staring at the pock-marked ceiling tile while the bright florescent lights toyed with the idea of blinding me.  Bad country music plays in the background, as I lie, half-naked, underneath a rough paper blanket.  I am doing my best to remove myself from the torture which is about to be performed.

After last week's treatment, multiple daily exercises, and no improvement I find myself wondering why I have returned for more.  But I suppose there is a glimmer of hope for a full recovery of the pelvic floor muscles.  I have been told that there is a 75% success rate with therapy only, so I need to be thinking the glass is 3/4 full rather than 1/4 empty.

Kelly, my technician for two weeks now, enters the room and smiles.  She has been very kind during therapy, and I thanked her for this a week ago.  She says, "Well, are you ready?"  And I'm thinking, "HELL NO!" But say, "sure," instead.  Then she inserts a probe into my anus.  Yes, I said probe.

*Note to reader: I tried to find a picture of the exact probe (size and shape), 

however, this is pretty close* 

Then, while the anal probe is still inside, she inserts a vaginal probe.  

*Note to reader: Again, I was not able to find the picture, 

but imagine a cross between this an a dumb bell*

Kelly gently sticks a monitor on my abs, which is to determine if I am doing the exercises correctly.  Then the countdown begins...and kegels begin.  Yes, while I feel about ready to burst, I have to do five five-second kegels which are monitored on the computer attached to the probes.  

Once the kegels are completed, the ab monitor and anal probe are removed.  Now the vaginal probe is "turned up" using the computer.  I am to let Kelly know when I cannot handle anymore - which might sound erotic, but it is the furthest thing from it.     

After about 15 minutes of pulsing and beating my insides, the process is over.  For another week that is.

I am hopeful, but as I get off the table I realize how sore today's procedure has left me.  In some ways I can definitely see that this would be a reason to avoid going to the doctor over leakage.  But, alas, I will give it a go another week.

Answered Prayers

aka I Didn't Need the Cyscostomy!

Today I visited the urogynocologist to discuss the results of my initial visit, the urodynamics test from last week, the results of the journals performed and to have one final procedure: the cyscostomy.  This time my mother came along, as a rock and to drive me home in case things were as bad as the last time (I had a difficult time focusing on the road because of the lingering pain).

Anyway, I was taken to an examination room.  Then my favorite nurse, Rachel, came in and discussed all my results.  She then described the two options: pelvic floor therapy and urethral sling surgery.  I listened to both options, and decided to choose the pelvic floor therapy for 6 weeks.

What Is Pelvic Floor Therapy Anyway?

I received comprehensive documentation on the procedure, so I will write below what the sheet says:

"For a brief period, a small sensor is placed in the rectal opening and you will be asked to tighten the rectal muscle as if you were holding back gas. The reason for these instructions is all the pelvic floor muscles attach into the rectum. It is easier to contract the larger muscle of the rectum which automatically tightens the rest of the muscles, therefore controlling the bladder leakage, urinary frequency, bowel or gas leakage.

The sensor, like a tampon, is placed in the vagina and electrical stimulation is done. This is not uncomfortable. You will feel a tapping, tugging sensation. This is the same time of therapy used for other muscles in the body to help them get stronger, faster. Electrical stimulation cannot be done if you have a metal IUD or cardiac pacemaker."

So basically I will pay to be probed vaginally and anally each week.  To some I suppose this sounds a bit erotic, to me I am not looking forward to the visits.  Even though the information says the therapy is painless, I will let you know how I fair.

What Happened to the Cyscostomy?
The doctor came in, looked at the results, and decided that the camera (i.e. cyscostomy) would not tell him anything more than the information he already viewed.  He canceled the procedure.  WOOT!  He told me that hopefully the pelvic floor therapy would work well, but that he has a very high success rate with the surgery so that I should be open to that if the therapy doesn't give positive results.

Hopefully the therapy will work, and I will not have to go through surgery to see success.  However, regardless, I will keep my readers informed.

Intake and Outtake

aka What I Did For Mother's Day

Along with the two procedures, I was asked to keep a record of my liquid intake as well as my liquid outtake.

The 24-Hour Journal
The first journal was a detailed 24 hour record of what I consumed (i.e. beverage type and amount), as well as what I produced as I emptied my bladder and any leakage in between.  In order to calculate the amount of liquid I was eliminating when going to the bathroom, I had to urinate in a container that fit between the toilet and the toilet seat.  I tried to make this journal a creative experience, by doodling all over the paper.  The ladybugs got involved too.  On a personal note: it was very cumbersome to do a #2 while catching the residual urine that always comes.

Why did I choose Mother's Day?  Well, truth be told I am so busy that I knew I would be home all day that particular day.  After all, you cannot walk into a store, restaurant, or friend's/family member's home with a voiding container.  I also believe becoming a Mother has changed the way my body works.  Therefore, this whole process is most likely a direct result of two vaginal births.  Anyway, the 24 hour test was completed last Sunday.

This is what I used to do the calculations.

The 3-Day Diary
The next step in the journal process was to chart how often I emptied my bladder (E), had a stress leak (S), or had a leak due to urge (U).  My data were all E's and S's.  This time the amount and type of beverage was not necessary.  I have to admit that it wasn't as cumbersome as the 24-hour test, but there were points where I would tell myself "don't forget to log that".

The biggest piece of information, I believe the 3-day log uncovered, was that when I was teaching (i.e. sitting mostly) I had no "accidents".  Therefore, the stress induced incontinence diagnoses made complete sense.

This journal sat next to the toilet (on the sink) for 3 days.  During that time, the ladybugs drew pictures and wrote nice little words like "mommy" and "love".  They knew it was a journal, and in their mind that is what one would do in a journal.  It was awfully sweet.

The Next Step
Tomorrow (Monday) I get the Cyscostomy test performed.  This is the one with the camera.  I am quite nervous, but know there is a light at the end of this.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You...

exhausted.

*Dear Reader, please note that this isn't a blog without medical terms and adult topics.  If you are at all squeamish  skip today's blog post*

Yesterday I went for the first of two urological tests to which I am scheduled.  This one was the one called Urogynamics.

two catheters in urethra; one in vagina

I was told that this procedure would be a bit more uncomfortable than the Cystoscopy scheduled for next Monday.  Regardless, I have always been very sensitive when it came to my anything related to my bladder/urethra/etc.  Therefore, I was quite nervous when I entered the doctors office.  Actually I went to the 3rd floor initially, rather than the 2nd floor, so you can see how I was consumed with fear.  

I signed in and the receptionist assured me that I was worried about nothing.  "The test will be over and done before you know it.  Don't worry, it doesn't hurt."  This of course did not make me feel better, but I must say the staff at this office is absolutely stellar.  I can also state that this receptionist had never had the procedure before.

The Procedure

I was escorted back the the same room I peed in the funnel during my appointment last week.  If you are curious what this funnel chair contraption looked like, here is a similar drawing:

First I was told to give a urine sample.  Peeing in a small cup might be daunting for some, however, I am a pro at it.  I returned to the room and was told to remove all clothing from the waist down, put on a comfy pair of socks, get seated in the chair, and pull a paper blanket over my lower half.  I was still very nervous, but I kept telling myself it wasn't going to be that bad.  I oftentimes over-think situations, and tend to imagine the worse scenario.

Two women technicians entered the room: one worked the computer to which my results would be calculated, and the other was the one who would do the actual insertion and manipulation of the catheters.  Yes, I said manipulation.  I knew there would be an overall discomfort and burning sensation, but I actually went into a panic attack that started with sweating and feeling like I was going to throw up.  The pain was completely unimaginable, and I felt like someone was taking a knife and inserting into my urethra.  My panic attack progressed rapidly, and I thought I would pass out.  The "insertion" nurse got the doctor (Mr. Handsome) and he came in and talked to me.  Apparently the first part of the test requires a lot of manipulation of the catheter.  I was told that am in the very small percentage that feels pain with this part.  But pain is putting it lightly.  I have had a lot of stuff happen in my nether regions during my lifetime, but nothing NOTHING compares to the excruciating pain I experienced during this procedure.

My doctor is such a kind man.  He encouraged me to continue, even though I wanted to rip the catheters out and run away fast (yes, even half naked).  He let me squeeze his hand to redirect the pain.  Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the manipulation part was complete.  Then came time for me to perform, oh yes, I had to cough and bare down in a variety of positions.  Then the two technicians filled my bladder up with fluid and when I felt like I had to pee, I was asked to perform all the same actions as before.  This time I did leak when baring down and coughing.  Which I knew would happen.  Then they filled my bladder with an obnoxious amount of water.  If you are at all aware of what a CC is (a cubic centimeter), I held 200 with the first bladder expansion and 500 with the second bladder expansion.  

After the second expansion, the ladies left the room.  I was able to pee in the funnel thing again, with the hope that I would be able to empty the vast amounts of fluid they had put inside my bladder.  I must say it felt so good to know the test was almost over.  I've never been so happy to pee in my entire life.  

The catheters came out and even though I thought I would be rid of the pain, I was not.  I got dressed, and tried to get comfortable while sitting.  One of the technicians came back in the room with a bottle holding 4 pills of Pyridium.  For those of you who have never had a bladder infection or UTI, Pyridium is this lovely pill that turns pee dark orange and numbs the general area.  She told me to take two then, and save the other 2 for later.  I wish they had given me 10 of these wonders, but that was all they were allowed to pass along.

In Conclusion

I really don't want to scare women away from getting this test.  After all, I was finally able to endure the unimaginable pain.  However, what I wanted to write is MY account of the procedure.  Because the information given by my doctor, and the information online, all told me it would be an easy cheesy experience.  For instance, here are some FAQs of Urodynamics testing given on the Gynecologic Specialists of Northwestern's website:

FAQ

How long does the procedure take?
The actual test takes anywhere from 15-30 minutes. Some women reach full bladder capacity with a small amount of water and leak early on. Others require a much larger volume (and a longer time to fill) than others. Filling out the questionnaire, getting ready for the test, doing the test and discussing the test often take up to two hours of office time, so please plan accordingly.

Can I have a guest in the room?
You may bring someone with you if you desire. They can be in the room during the testing, or, if you prefer, join you just for the discussion of results.

Is this test painful?
This test is not painful other than the discomfort of having a full bladder.

I once had a catheter inserted and it was very uncomfortable. Is this catheter the same?
The catheter we use for testing is significantly smaller than a Foley catheter, and in addition, no balloon is inflated to hold it in place. It is rare for someone to even be aware of its presence.

I feel uncomfortable losing urine in front of people. Who will be in the room?
The only people in the room will be your physician or physician assistant and a medical assistant to operate the equipment. The room is designed for you to lose urine (there is no carpeting!) and while it may seem strange to you, it is the best way to determine what your problem is so we can fix it. While some women consciously (or subconsciously) hold back from losing urine, please do your best to act as if we are not there.

As you can see from my experience, I was obviously not in the norm of patients.  I want my story to be out there, because even if I am in the minority here others could possibly identify with my experience.

I will continue to share my experiences in this blog, because if nothing else they help me deal with the emotional and difficult task at hand.

Cloudy With a Chance of Incontinence

I'm sure most people my age remember the commercial with the women who have to "GO RIGHT NOW!"

 

I seriously think that traffic cop is Susan from Sesame Street

So when I began having leakage, I didn't think it was the same incontinence thing as these women were experiencing.  They were older and they couldn't stop going.  Incontinence is an old people problem.  That's why there are adult diapers and the like.  Right?

Apparently not.

Hello.  My name is Michelle and I suffer from incontinence.

First Visit to the Urologist 
So I had my first visit with my new Urogynecology doctor yesterday.  I thought I would be seeing the main doctor, who is an older Indian gentleman.  But after having my vitals taken, discussing my history of bladder and vaginal health, and peeing in this funnel thing that was hooked to a computer for analysis, this tall VERY good looking African American doctor entered the room.  His smile was contagious, and he was just as nice as someone could be.  He was checking things out as he asked my profession.  I told him I taught piano and voice, and he pulled his hand out and said, "NO WAY!  I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO TAKE PIANO LESSONS!  DO YOU THINK I'M TOO OLD?"  At this point, I wanted to crawl in a hole and pretend I was somewhere else.

After some small talk, the exam continued.  I was told to cough while laying down, then while sitting (mind you my legs were spread eagle this entire time).  Nothing was leaking.  Then, I was told to stand (still with my legs wide stride) and cough.  Success!  The doctor clapped and said, "Good job!"  And I stood there looking at him quite perplexed.  I had peed on the floor, and the doctor couldn't have been prouder if I won a medal of honor.  He shook my hand, told me we would talk more about piano lessons, and left the room.  The nurse gave me paperwork, a diary to keep a pee log, a container to collect my pee, and info on two procedures I will need to have.  It was so much information, I pretty much blanked out.  But I did catch on that having incontinence affects 1 in 4 women, and can occur in her 30s.

I am not thrilled with getting invasive procedures, and truthfully I prolonged this doctor visit because of them. However, if 2013 is going to be a year I get healthier, I must take care of this obvious problem.

I don't want to go in graphic detail, but the procedures are: Urogynamics and Cystoscopy.  

Reclaiming My Mornings

A Declaration to Myself

Today I began a new chapter in my life - Reclaiming My Mornings.

What does this mean to me?

• Taking time to walk at least 2 miles per day
• Spending time with God
• Planning out the day (including dinner)

I have also decided to incorporate making healthy choices for meals and snacks, and no after dinner snacking (unless it is a very small healthy choice).  I will also wake at 6am and go to bed by 11pm.  I also must wear my mouth guard 5 out of 7 days in order to help my teeth cope with the grinding.

I sincerely hope this public declaration will encourage me to continue with my progress.

Free To Be

As my oldest ladybug danced in a green and orange monster mask this morning singing and playing a ukulele, I reflected on what Memorial Day means to us.  Zoe's heartfelt composition, "Rock and Roll Monster," not only made me laugh, but it brought home the true meaning of this holiday.  Memorial Day is a day to reflect on those men and woman who have served and sacrificed so that my unique family is free to be. 

For many, Memorial Day signifies the start of summer.  As for me, I started my summer schedule of teaching on Friday.  This means: no teaching on Fridays, Saturdays and Tuesdays until after Labor Day!  It is definitely an odd sense of being - I felt oh so lazy on Saturday.  But these three months are my time to reclaim full-time Mommy status and spend time educating and loving my ladybugs.

This summer (which technically begins in our home on June 9th) my ladybugs will continue with Karate, and each day we will spend time on education.  Reading, writing and math will be part of our daily schedule; as well as science and history (museums, art, playing, etc.).  I want my ladybugs to know that what they have learned in school is important in every day life.  I will also be reviewing piano with Zoe and starting piano lessons with Evie.  I am very happy they have both decided to play.  But I realize that it isn't just desire to play - it is the discipline of practicing every day that is the key.

I also have lost a bit more weight.  I'm close to 17 pounds now - I really look forward to hitting under 200 lbs.  I went back to the doctors on Thursday.  Even with the weight loss, he increased my blood pressure meds from 10/12.5 to 20/25.  Honestly, I have noticed that I'm not as bloated with the increased diuretics.  Hate that feeling of puffiness.  I hope to be able to wear my wedding ring starting again in September.  It was September 2010 when I took the ring off, and I feel weird without it.  However, after having to have my grandmother's ring cut from my finger, I just became very wary of wearing the other one.

I have also made myself a deal: 199 or less and I will get a nose piercing.  Okay, I know, a stupid and childish thing to do, but I have wanted a nose piercing now for 10 years.  We will see if this happens; not necessarily the weight loss, but the nose piercing might have to wait.

Have a safe and thoughtful Memorial Day everyone.

Bittersweet Bonnie Blog

Bonnie stopped by yesterday, which was really bizarre since I was writing about her earlier.  She hadn't stopped over in a couple months, and I was very happy to see her.  When the Jehovah Witnesses go door to door they bring someone with them, and most of my visits with Bonnie included other Witnesses.  The last few times I have seen her she has been alone.  However, since quitting her day job (she worked at Greenfield Village most recently) Bonnie has become a full-time pioneer.  A full-time pioneer means you witness 5 days or more per week for 40 hours or more.

Now that Bonnie is a pioneer, she has many new Bible study students.  She proudly spoke about them, and I found myself wondering if she was hoping I would be jealous of these new "recruits".  I told her I was proud of all that she has done, especially finding new students.  When we were studying regularly, Bonnie only had one other student.  She wished for more - and I am very happy she got her wish.

As I have written in my last few blogs about her (BONNIE), Bonnie seems to be in a hurry when she says "hi" and gives me the newest publications.  However, to remedy that from happening I invited her and Lori in to sit down.  Lori was always my favorite guest of Bonnie.  I was passed a copy of the publications and then Bonnie read a few scriptures referring to the publication articles.  The May Watchtower is about religion and politics and if they should mix.  The obvious answer is: no.  But of course Bonnie wanted to quiz me to see if I remember when Jesus began to reign as king (1914) and when the Earth would be reborn (a generation from that).  She always bragged that I was such a good student.  I even joked that I relearned all the books of the Bible this year, due to Zoe's Bible curriculum.  Bonnie seemed impressed, and it was during those few moments when I felt connected to her once again.

The connection did not last for long, because she chimed in with the same Witness-to-World conversation.  The Witnesses have the truth, and every other religion (no matter what branch) does not.  Bonnie knows that I am tied to this "system of things" as the Witnesses call it.  I love our Earth, and I love holidays and celebrations with my people.  I also like to be reminded that I am a Christian, thus I proudly have a cross "stained glass window" on my front window Evie made.

Regardless of her beliefs, Bonnie refuses to let me parish in the inevitable end of this system of things.  Her hope is that I return to a weekly Bible study with her.  In the past she has mentioned my children as getting to "come along for the ride" if I had a pure heart and was a true believer (i.e. follower of the Witnesses).  But yesterday was probably the nastiest and blunt that she ever has been about her beliefs.  Bonnie was reading about how she is not out there to convert me, but rather to show me what the Bible is really saying (not of course what others interpret it to say).  She informed me that she recently learned (from the elders no doubt) that a generation is around 100 years give or take.  So that with 2014 so close at hand, we need to be prepared for Armageddon.  Then she curtly stated, "...and I would hate to see your beautiful little girls not make it to see the new Earth."

At that point, I felt that our relationship had completely turned the wrong corner.  Yes, I was happy to see her, but no, I am not going to be strong-armed into returning to a Bible study with her.  I know that the Witnesses are trained in how to act at home visits.  How do I know this?  Well because I went to her Kingdom Hall on a couple occasions.  They reenact different situations for the Witnesses to learn and comment.  The training seems to promote a lot of conversation about the end times.  This focus on the end times is probably the biggest reason I could no longer engage in a Bible study with Bonnie.  I realize that there will be an end, because there was a beginning.  But to live my life always thinking about the end only contributes to my anxieties and stress.

When Bonnie left I had an "aha" moment; as I really do not need to see her anymore.  I might miss her friendship, but our friendship seems to be in conjunction to a Bible study.  This was very clear the last time we met up for lunch and Bonnie skirted out of there as soon as she finished eating.  She also "broke up" with me on a phone message last summer.  I realize now that I am part of "the world" - Satan's world.  She is not shunning me, but she also is not going to be part of my life if I cannot succumb back to her truth.

I sincerely hope that I am able to make heads or tails of this relationship as I continue to mesh out my story about her.

Hope in a Nutshell

Four weeks ago I made the hopeful decision to lose 100 pounds.  This is still a very lofty goal, but I'm proud to state that I have lost almost 16 of the 100 (15.8 to be exact).

During the four weeks, I learned some things:

• I need to have at least 1 cup of coffee a day (not black either).  Well, maybe 2 is the appropriate answer.  Said coffee needs to be with soy milk.  Not a lot, mind you, but enough to make the color change to a lighter brown.
• I really don't like working out, but I do enjoy walking around Greenfield Village (which is a 2 mile walk if you do it right).
• I get heartburn from brownies.  I know, right?  I used to get a lot of heartburn before this program.  I did not eat a lot of brownies before, but I did take a lot of heartburn medicine.  Since starting I have not needed the medicine; that was until Saturday night when I ate a big brownie.  It was so tasty, but I suppose I'll just eat a tootsie roll when I need chocolate again.  Oh well.  I love tootsie rolls.
• Bread smells like sugar.
• The bakery section of the supermarket makes my stomach lurch. 
• I really like my new face cream: Hope in a Jar by Philosophy
• I can still make crock-pot meals (which I think are really easy) on days I teach lessons in the evenings; they are healthier options, but tasty just the same.
• I do not, in any shape or form like kale (not even baked into chips).
• I do not like flax seed, flax meal, or anything remotely flax oriented.
• My knee does not need surgery - in fact, it is just getting old.  So after an injection of cortisone, I have been told to exercise and lose weight.  Okay.
• I have my first crown in my mouth.  Currently it is temporary, but it is my crowning achievement to focus more on the health of my teeth as well as my overall body.

As the school year comes to a close, I am hopeful to do more outdoor physical activity this summer.  I really hope that I can return to teaching in the fall a healthier person.

Dinner making awaits.

Spice of Life

Our society is inundated with a plethora of diets, from quick solutions to long term ones.  There are plans that make one count calories (or fiber, fat, etc.), plans that make one purchase pre-made food (even if the food is natural shakes), and plans that require monthly fees.  But my question: which one is the best? could never be given a definitive answer.  Unless, of course, one would say, "the diet that best works for you."

In my humble opinion, a healthy program does not do the following:
1) Make one pay a monthly fee
2) Make one buy pre-made food
3) Have other products to enhance the plan (i.e. supplements, microwave meals, prepackaged extras, etc.), which are marketed as "must haves".
4) Suggest there is a "one-size-fits-all" mentality

I had a great laugh with a very sweet mom at Zoe's ballet class yesterday.  She stated that Family Fun magazine is the only magazine that doesn't make her feel like she needs to lose weight, or redecorate, or have a makeover.  It is simply a FUN magazine.  And I couldn't agree more.  Speaking of MORE, I recently became aware of a magazine MORE.  I have a current subscription.  It is mostly a fashion magazine with articles for 40-something women.  The May 2012 edition had an article called, "What to do Now to Be Healthy in 20 Years."  There were three anti-aging tactics, which basically suggested getting more exercise (the RIGHT kind of exercise), feeding one's aging brain, and eating more foods that "may" fend off chronic diseases.

Some of my favorite pointers were:
*Step Away From the Doughnut
*Drink Up
and
*Find a Purpose in Life

Then there were categories of food that seemed awfully familiar to the categories in the Digest Diet.  However, the article was mainly focused on foods that were rich in anti-oxidants.  My favorite category was spices.  I never realized the powerful effect of adding spices to food until I read the Digest Diet.  So the article in MORE was not new to me, but I was glad to see the list highlighted in a different source.

I find the spices category hilarious.  When I was growing up we were not a spice family.  Ketchup, mustard, pickle relish, and onions were about as far as we went with our condiments.  Of course salt and pepper were also on the table, but it wasn't until Jim and I started dating that I truly new the possibilities of herbs and spices.  As much as Progresso Italian bread crumbs make my favorite chicken (along with stove top stuffing), they really don't constitute as spices.  And now that I am married to Jim, I cannot tell you how much I crave Indian food with hot spices or Mexican with a kick.  Anyway, here are the two lists.

Digest Diet - Fat Releaser Seasonings
*Basil
*Black Pepper
*Cayenne Pepper
*Celery Seeds
*Chili Peppers
*Cinnamon
*Garlic
*Marjoram
*Oregano
*Onion
*Parsley
*Red Pepper Flakes
*Rosemary
*Scallion
*Thyme

MORE Magazine - Antioxidant Seasonings
*Basil
*Black Pepper
*Cinnamon
*Chile
*Cloves
*Ginger
*Mustard Seed
*Oregano
*Paprika
*Tumeric

The point is: spice up your lives people!  Tee hee!

That's All I Want

In the sermon this morning, our pastor spoke about Jesus the shepherd and Psalm 23.  For those who don't know this psalm:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

This is a song from David's heart.  David, as we know, was the boy who slayed the giant, Goliath.  There are a lot of verses from David's songwriting heart, but I believe this one to be the most known.  However, do we really believe we could just have our GOD and nothing else?

I want.  I admit it.  I do not want a bigger house, nor a better car.  So what do I want?

I want to lose weight.  I want a pain-free knee.  I want happy and healthy ladybugs.  I want a loving marriage.

The point is, can I say, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want," like the little girl in the Robert Ketchum story?

Tomorrow starts the third phase of my new program - which is the Digest Diet if you are interested.  I definitely feel better, and today my pants fit better (I will weigh myself tomorrow for the official 2 week #).  But the truth is: what makes THIS time different?

Ten years ago, I lost 60 pounds on Weight Watchers.  I kept it off until I got pregnant with Zoe.  When Zoe was a year old I lost the baby weight by eating good and walking.  When I got pregnant with Evie I lost weight in the beginning.  Seriously!  After she was born, I lost it all using WW again.  So what happened?  My motivation.  I slowly ate my way to a number that is higher than before.  Last August I had a trainer, but like I stated before, I just didn't feel like her workouts were for me.  At first it worked, but long-term was not happening.  Anyway...that brings us to today.

What makes this time any different?  Really, what is different?  Nothing.  Absolutely NOTHING.  So what do I need to do?  I don't know.  I suppose baby steps is essential.  And maybe it is simply being happy with who and what I am - rather than focusing on the vast amount of weight I need to lose.

Ever notice that when you are over a certain amount (more than 50 pounds, more than $1000 in debt, more than 150% underwater on your home, etc.) it just seems impossible to make a dent in the overall number?  I am really good with our finances.  This year I am diligently retooling our finances.  I'm hoping by 2013 to start on bring down our HELOC.  I think what makes our finances delicate is our commitment to private education for our ladybugs.  That extra money each month would more than pay off our debt, and even afford us the ability to take the girls to Disney or some other cool place.

And being 100 pounds over the weight I should be is very overwhelming.  It's almost like - what is another 10 pounds?  20 pounds?  What the heck, I'm fat anyway.

What do you want?

One Size (Does NOT) Fit All

I just started week two of my new program to health this morning.  I am down a little over 7 pounds, and I feel like I can do this.  Believe me, I know this is only the beginning.  With the success of one week completed, I'm noticing people giving their opinions on my choices.  Like getting married, having a baby, choosing a college or how to parent; changing a diet seems to bring out the crazies and their not so humble opinions.

For instance, the other day on Facebook, my dear friend Shelly posted that she was starting a detox in May and she was very excited.  She is under the care of a renowned holistic doctor, and I was super excited for her.  Her detox appears to be a program to get your body off sugars and refined crap.  Of course, I did post that she is excited now because she wasn't in the thick of it.  Jim and I were so flax-seeded out by that point I couldn't even imagine another flavor of food.  Of course, my comment wasn't the only one that day.  One friend of hers claimed that Weight Watchers is the only tried and true long-term diet and lifestyle solution.  Another friend claimed that Shelly was not knowledgeable enough to know what was a good diet and what was just a fad.  He also suggested that holistic doctors are quacks.  I got really angry at this guy.

Does one size fit all?  Of course not!  Does one way of parenting work for everyone?  Nope!  Then does one kind of diet work for everyone?  No, people!

What made this second friend so interesting was that he looks to be over 300 pounds from his profile picture.  Now, I'm not judging his ability to be a friend, of course his responses to Shelly's intelligence was a bit questionable.  However, what I am curious about is his expert knowledge about what is healthy.  Of course having knowledge and putting to use are two separate things completely.  Look at me.  Regardless, this MY WAY WORKS BEST CRAP made me really curious if that is even possible.  Can there be ONE method to a trimmer, slimmer and healthier body?

I honestly don't think it is possible to have one program fix every person's health issues.  I am allergic to shell fish, does this mean I should do a diet that stresses the importance of shell fish?  And what if you are a person who cannot handle lactic acid?  Should you do daily just because WW says it is essential for weight loss?

One of my biggest problems with diets (especially WW and Hungry Girl recipes) is the need to replace sweetness and savory with low fat (or no fat) and fake sweeteners.  Fake sweeteners give me migraines.  This is really a PAIN, because even sugar free gum (which would be better than crewing sugar with 37 year old teeth) has the lovely ability to make me sick.  I have also developed an allergy to shellfish (which was why I was in Urgent Care on my 36th Birthday).  There are shellfish in the current program that Jim and I are on, however, I did ask for a substitute product for shrimp (the popular shellfish to use) and I received a quick response.  So at least I was able to make this diet work for my needs.

Many diets support using microwave meals and/or prepackaged foods - which contain a lot of added sodium and the like.  I personally don't need the extra stuff, considering I have hypertension.  So a diet that recommends products like flavored yogurt with fake sugars, and baking with sugar substitute is NOT going to cut it for me.  Nor is a diet that doesn't have tasty food in it.  Rice cakes and celery is NOT my idea of a lifelong healthy style of living.

I have had weight issues my entire life.  Of course I only wish I could be 120 pounds like I was in 6th grade.  However, when the average girl was not quite 100 pounds and measured 6 inches smaller than me, I really looked like a giant, fat kid.  I also don't think it helped that I was bullied by these tiny girls who seemed to have all the boys.  I developed a pretty bad concept of food and beauty: thin = beautiful = desirable = what I want to be.

I am not entirely sure why I wasn't able to stay on WW when I got on it after having Evie.  But I truly believe it was WW open plan to dessert (fake sugared desserts) and sodium snacks that had me on a roller coaster of hunger and resent.

I cannot say if this plan will be the IT I am looking for, but I definitely know that cerebrally it makes sense.  Just hope I can get my emotions in tact.

Starting Here Starting Now

I haven't blogged in awhile regarding my journey to healthy living.  It's not because I forgot to mention it, or it slipped my mind.  The truth is: I became very bitter about the location I was taking classes.

When I started the journey last August 1st, I was very motivated.  I started with a personal trainer and she worked my butt off that first day.  I bought a package (not cheap I might add) of time with her.  After 10 sessions with her, I definitely noticed a change.  However, she never really discussed nutrition, nor healthy eating habits, nor what classes I should take to maintain and continue her efforts so far.  This, my dear reader, definitely peeved me; because I can read a diet book and I can blindly take exercise classes, but what I needed was a teacher.

This journey was never a cerebral one.  I am quite intelligent (*snicker*), and I can see what works and what does not.  In fact, I am still getting comments on a post regarding Weight Watchers.  It is not that I posed false information, but I laugh because if I am so SMART why am I still 100 pounds overweight.  Oh yeah...I love food.

I have done a lot of soul searching lately.  Looking at what I really want to be doing with my life - that is outside of being a wife and mother.  I am still on 10mg of Paxil a day (down still from the 20mg of last year), but I have added a blood pressure pill to the mix.  At 37 I cannot say I have great health, and I'm really not certain I could say I have good health either.  What does this say as a role model?

Okay.  So enough bashing.  I love food.  I don't love being overweight.  I do want to be healthier.  I need to do something.

Jim and I started a new program on Monday.  It is called The Digest Diet.  It is from the editor of Readers Digest, and it is very close to the same food thoughts as This is Why You're Fat, which was the book I read last summer.  However, there is a big difference in the motivation behind the books: The Digest Diet focuses on health and emotional well-being, whereas This is Why You're Fat encourages the reader to become as ripped as its author.

So I'm in day #3, and I have to say I'm not dying the way I thought I would.  The first 4 days are very sparse in the food department.  However, I am proud that I am able to eat exactly what is prescribed.  And I believe this diet to be a prescription to good health, not just a fad diet.  I need something dramatic to kick me into gear.  I cannot rely on a trainer to teach me to eat right and then not wonder why I haven't shown up to classes since January.  I need to take responsibility for my health, and turn this cycle upside down.

On another note - I sent three manuscripts out today.  One was The Tra La La Tree and the other two were The Silver Frog.  I sincerely hope someone picks up one of my ideas.  However, I have decided on a non-fiction topic as my next work: My Relationship with Bonnie.

Day #21: 29 Gifts

It is a rainy slushy mess as I look out my front window at the weather this afternoon.  I'm not entirely sure where this winter came from.  The highs have been in the 40s, and the snow has been sparse.  This is definitely NOT a Michigan winter by any means.

Here is a recount of the last 3 days of giving:

On Day #19 I gave book time to my kids in the middle of the day.  My last vocal student was on a church retreat, so I was completed with lessons at 3:30 instead of 4:30.  On Friday the Scholastic book order came in at the school, so we had new books to look at and read together.  Even though my oldest is more than capable of reading to herself, both of my girls love when I sit and read without having something else to occupy my thoughts.

Day #20 was spent with my Grandpa Roy who turned 87.  I find myself extremely lucky, because at almost 37 years old I have three living grandparents.  I also have a grandpa, Ray, who is 93 and a grandma (Roy's wife) who is 82.  It is amazing to me that they still are all doing well.  At least as well as can be at their ages.  My little family gave Roy a book that we love to read: "If you Give a Dog a Donut."

Today is day # 21.  I sent my best friend, Dana, a copy of the 29 Gifts book for her birthday.  I just know she will love to read about Cami's journey, and apply the giving to her own life.  Dana lives in Wales, so the package might take two weeks to get to her.  So sending it today assures it will arrive by February 5th.  I was very excited to get this out to her.

Last week was a health focused week.  I spent time on making myself feel beautiful.  I also had a doctor's appointment that resulted in having to go on a daily medicine for my hypertension.  I have had high blood pressure for over a year now, so medicine is the best solution at this point.  I am hoping that I am able to feel better about having to take heart medicine.  It makes me feel old.  HAHA!

Hope everyone is enJOYing their days of giving.

Day #18: 29 Gifts

I had quite a busy week health wise - which is an entire different blog in itself.  However, I have done my best to be present and give consciously each day.

On Day #16 I wrote my last update, and I was super excited to share my gift.  My sister shared a very wonderful and natural way to move children's bowels: True Fiber.  My Zoe was diagnosed with the possibility of having chronic constipation over the summer.  The Urologist suggested that her UTIs could be a symptom of her constipation.  We started Zoe on Myralax (which is a synthetic stool softener).  However, my niece, Emma, also has constipation issues and my sister clued me into a much safer product: True Fiber.  Zoe has been UTI free since seeing the specialist.  Anyway, I had an extra bottle of True Fiber in the basement, so I added a gift tag, and gave it to my sister.  She was thrilled!

Day #17 was my weekly laundry day.  This means I am home most of the day.  However, I did have an afternoon doctors appointment.  While at the drug store I saw a really sweet card with two puzzle pieces.  It was a perfect love reminder for my husband.  Upon returning home I also gave 1000 grains of rice to www.freerice.com.  This was a suggestion from another giver and blogger on the 29 days community.  Who doesn't like a fun vocabulary test?!  And I had participated in Free Rice before, many years ago.  Such a simple idea and so fun - I will make a point of NOT forgetting it in the future.

Today is Day #18 of 29.  I cannot believe I am far into the second half of this challenge.  I gave testimony today in a trial.  I don't want to get involved in the details in this blog.  Lets just say that my God Son (and his sister) deserves a relationship with his father.  His mother is trying to prevent that from happening.  I have known this woman for almost 20 years.  I have known his father for over 10.  That is a long time to know people, and I had to do what I felt was right for the children.  My God Son shouldn't be subjected to a life without his father, nor to the lies and manipulations of his mother all the time.  Even though I am not her God Mother, I love his sister as well.  I agreed to be a character witness for the father.  I was to give a phone testimony, since the case is in Arizona.  I awaited my turn for approximately 50 minutes today.  In that time I prayed that I would give a faithful representation of who this man is/was.  It is the least I can do for the children.  I also heard the same message looped at least 25 if not 30 times.

The verdict will come in approximately a week.  A week seems like an awful long time to wait.  However, my God Son has not seen his father since the summertime, so one more week doesn't seem too difficult to get through.

I am looking forward to the next week of giving.  I hope some of my readers are also participating in giving to others.

Is Time for Oneself a Guilty Pleasure?

As noted in a blog post from January 4th titled, "Begin Anew," I stated that Health was one of my 3 goals and part of my 100 Days Calendar in 2012.

What exactly is Health to me?  Yeah, I think I need a bit of clarification myself.  Why am I so wishy-washy with this topic?  Probably because I get very motivated, complete a task (i.e. losing 20 pounds), and move onward.  Onward is another (kind word) to say: OFF THE WAGON.

I am not the greatest person to give out advice for healthy living, because believe me: I am NOT healthy.  Or probably a better description: I am not as Healthy as I should be.  I am going to be 37 this year, and I am in the worst condition of my life.  Really?  You might ask.  Yes.  I answer sadly.

This blog post isn't one looking for a pity party; quite opposite, in fact.  I would much rather be honest.  That is what I hope I am conveying in this tangent.  And I'm hoping to start a conversation: an ongoing dialogue of sorts.

Today brought me to a deep moment of realization.  I determined I need to start taking time for things that make me feel happy and healthy this week.  Since Health is my 3# for 100 days, I needed to up the ante, and well Monday was the first day of the new week.  Here is what I've accomplished thus far: Monday I had a pedicure, Tuesday a manicure, and today a massage.  However, each one of these took money and began to get buyers remorse after the massage.

Of course during the massage my sister (the therapist) was extremely concerned that my body was not well.  She was concerned about my muscles and the amount of lactic acid I am retaining.  She prescribed ginger tea, epsom salt baths and sun salutations.  I return next Wednesday to see if I am doing better.  I will also be visiting the doctor tomorrow to discuss a few issues I have had lately (high blood pressure a few times, a numb shoulder, etc).  I am hopeful that this devoted week will provide positive results...however....

Is a pedicure, manicure or massage essential to living?  Um...no.  I can emphatically tell you that one does not need any of these three services to live a healthy and happy life.  Or do they?  Could I be healthy or mentally happy without them?  Not quite sure.  And where, reader, does this guilt come from?

Guilt: what a wasteful emotion to have.  According to this Yahoo! Article, guilt comes from our parents, our partners, the church, and/or school.  I suppose mine comes from being a daughter of a super mom.  My mother was great at everything.  She sewed our clothes, kept a VERY clean house, made dinner every night (which always included a dessert of some sort), and still had time to take ceramic classes and sing in my father's band on the weekends.  How did she do it?  I suppose I want to be viewed the same way, because after all that is what I know to be good and true.

I also do NOT want to be THAT mom.  You know, the ladies who lunch.  Because I am a hard working mom who doesn't want to be viewed as spoiled or "kept".  There, reader, I suppose I have hit the nail on the head.  I am too worried about appearing pretentious or selfish.

I asked the following question on Facebook today:

Hey Facebook MOMS: Is taking care of yourself (i.e. getting a massage, relaxing, ignoring the pile of laundry, etc.) selfish behavior? And..do you ever feel guilty taking care of yourself?

I received quite a few responses. Each woman said that taking care of ones self is not selfish. One mom did point out that if you are not providing for your child(ren), and getting pedicures and manicures rather than groceries, then you would be selfish.  Everyone said that I shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of myself.  I thought more moms would be agreeing that they felt selfish after doing something for themselves.

However, it was refreshing to hear from a man:

David: My girlfriend will not do anything for herself, especially if she has to pay for it. If someone gets her a gift certificate for a massage or something she will do it, but otherwise, she won't hardly do anything for her. And she cannot relax if everything in the house is not done. Its really irritating and makes her kind of hard to live with at times.

Note to self: Need to redefine selfish behavior.

Day #9: 29 Gifts

I am rather enjoying this giving of gifts; this overwhelming desire to strive for JOY.

On day #7 I decided it was time to return to exercising.  Of course I was going to return to my favorite exercise spot: Elements of Exercise.  However, I slept in until 7am rather than waking at 5:40am and doing the RIPPED class I've done at 6am in the past.  I decided to spend quality waking time with my ladybugs giggling and sharing stories of dreams underneath the warm blankets of my bed.  Just taking those 15 minutes seemed to really start our days off perfectly.  I dropped the ladybugs off at school and drove over to EOE and took a Pilates/Yoga class. This was a true gift for me; a bit selfish, I know.  However, it seemed like my week would not get off to a better start than time with my ladybugs and a class that healed my entire body and soul.

I also had a very special gift given to me on Monday.  I won a contest on the 29 Days website.  I have never won anything before, so this was truly a wonderful gift.  I cannot wait to get the pendant in the mail!

Day #8 I decided to send a package to a church member who has made a decision to no longer attend our church.  She is worn out from hoping things would change, and believe me...I do not blame her.  However, I definitely wanted to send her our Christmas card fronts, because she is collecting them for missionary work.  I placed the fronts in a large envelope, wrote her a card, and added a 29 Gift tag with a lovely bow.  I want her to know she is a gift - no matter what happens with her relationship at the church.

Today is Day #9.  My niece is on the spectrum and she is currently not going to a traditional school.  I cannot completely tell you, reader, if my sister is homeschooling or if there is another arrangement.  However, Emma is home during the day and on Wednesdays, when my sister works at her massage therapy business, my mom and dad babysit.  Emma was severely teased at school - bullied by many of the kids.  She wanted to talk to me about how I was bullied at her age.  I wasn't special needs, but I definitely was bullied by a group of girls.

A week or so ago, I told Emma that one Wednesday (when my kids are in school and not demanding of my attention) we could have a tea party and talk about whatever she wished.  So today was that day!  I guess she didn't want to waste ANY time!  My mom dropped her off at 1pm, and at 2pm when she returned I didn't want the good time to end.  Emma and I are very similar in how we view the world, and if felt so good to listen and give advice to someone who is experiencing what I went through.

I even learned about a musical instrument called the Sackbut (sack butt!).  I thought Emma was joking, since I pretty much know many instrument"s names (even ones from Mexico, China, etc.).  Low and behold I Google search it - and there it is this lovely brass instrument that looks like a trombone!  We both had such a great laugh!  I will never forget the sackbut from this point forward!

I am looking forward to day 10 and forward on this journey.

Begin anew

It astounds me how often as a society we make a list of resolutions or "things to do" each new year.  I used to be part of that crowd, but this year I wanted to make lifelong commitments: resolutions that mean something.  So I have decided on the following each day:

To Write:
I will Blog, write an Article or Story, Compose a Song, or write a Letter or Card to a loved one

To Gift:
Give something each day - based on the book 29 Gifts by Cami Walker
Acknowledge at least 2 gifts received each day by using the One Thousand Gifts phone app


To Health:
Eat Right, Exercise Physical and Mental, and Keep Emotions in Check

I am not doing the 52 books challenge, nor did I set a weight goal.  I am simply going to find JOY in my life by following the above three items.

Wrong Direction: Rethinking

It has officially been 4 months that I have been on a journey to a healthier me.

When I weighed in this morning, I knew I had gained a few pounds.  After all, we were on vacation, Thanksgiving was just a few days ago, and I didn't work out for an entire week (and a few days plus).  However, Sunday I reevaluated my exercise routine.  With school in full session (the Ladybugs schedule and my teaching schedule), I have very little time alone.  If I spend the time Evie is at preschool in a class, I have no time alone.  I am a person that needs time alone to think, meditate and just chill.

So my new routine is:
Monday 6am: RIPPED
Wednesday 6am: Ultimate Circuit
Friday 6am: RIPPED

I have three Aqua Zumba classes left on Thursday evenings.  I love the class, but it actually exhausts me to then wake up early on Friday mornings.  Therefore, I will not be continuing the class after it is complete.

I also have to state that early morning classes give me empowerment for the rest of the day.  I also am less stressed, due to the endorphins released in the classes.  I am encouraged to continue down the path...even though it is a slow process.