Having Faith in Myself

Over the course of the last year I feel that my heart has been torn by putting faith in other people.  So effective immediately, I have decided to put faith into my decisions and my choices.  When did I get so cautious?  When did I get so indecisive?  When?

I simply do not recall the exact moment I began to lose faith in my choices.  Maybe it was when I was no longer able to listen to the hypocritical members of our church.  A place I had trusted people with being part of my spiritual growth as well as the the spiritual growth of our Ladybugs.  I was certain my choice to be the Chair of the Board of Christian Education was the right decision for myself and my family.  I fought to keep the church alive when the former pastor was voted out.  I trusted my decisions to remain a member there even though there were plenty of trials.

Maybe it was when I was harassed by parents at our school as to my decision to send our Ladybugs to a public school in the fall.  For the last four years I have trusted my judgement of the school and those educating our Ladybugs, and in the last month I question whether or not we should have even sent the children there in the first place.  At the time it seemed to be the right choice.  I thought I was making a sound decision.  Now I wonder if I am capable of doing that.


But I might just have my grove back.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I spent time going through materials I have to homeschool the Ladybugs.  I never wanted to homeschool, I felt I'd go crazy.  But then I took a step back to look at my dining room, and I heard my dear friend, Dana, say, "This room is better than most classrooms!"  Which I realized is exactly what I have been creating without effort.  The room has two desks, a calendar, a schedule, an art wall, and a variety of manipulatives and curriculum to teach my two Ladybugs.  And I didn't even have to make a ton of effort in the process.

I have a small amount of time left to make a decision on if I will pull the Ladybugs after Easter break.  Basically I have two choices: To homeschool the rest of the school year, or continue at their school with the knowledge of its ever-growing toxic environment.  I have also uncovered the fact that there are two "schools" of thought amongst the parents.

One was the thought that God will provide.  This was the "school" of thought I was a part of in the fall.  I was hired with the idea that this school year was a transition year.  We were going to go through growing pains (i.e. people leaving), but that it would pay off in the end.  I really believed that the school was going to pull through, this time with a different curriculum and focus.

The other thought was that the school was closing at the end of this school year (or sooner).  That no matter what changes the school made, the future was inevitable.

The sad part is that these schools of thought were independent of each other.  People were making a marketing video, which was shown at the Christmas concert, when others were planning when to tell parents the news of the school closing. 

As I mentioned above, the idea of the school closing sooner is a possibility.  The school can only run if there is money, and there is not.  Once the letter of its closing was sent out, parents became stressed and frustrated.  Some decided to not pay their tuition.  I know that if the school is to make it to June, all tuition money needs to be paid.

So I have a big decision to make - homeschool the Ladybugs or remain at a school that may or may not be closing before the end of the year.  The hard part (as if there isn't enough stress already)?  Is that because I also teach there, I am supposed to act like "business as usual".  That NOTHING is different.  So far I'm doing the best I can.

I definitely hope that I can regain that faith in myself that I know I once had.  To make decisions that prove to be fruitful and beneficial for me and my Ladybugs.  Time will tell!

Did You Notice?

...or No More Sock Monkey Mama

I decided yesterday that I personally needed a reboot.  What exactly does that mean?  Well, as my readers know we left our church at the end of last year and now our magical school is closing its doors (it is now official).

Still Life With Autumn Fruits
Jullian Merrow-Smith

Home Life

Our Zoebug is still in therapy for her anxieties and worries.  Over the weekend Jim and I shared the news of the school closing with our girls and Zoe sighed and said, "okay, where are we going then?"  She was very excited to hear the idea of an adventure (thank you Dana!!!), and I said that I was really proud of her reaction.  She said, "It is therapy, Mom, I really think it is because of therapy!"

Little Evabug is still my sweetpea.  She is quite upset with the move to a new school, but we have started to attend the church next to the school and many of her Kindergarten friends attend there.  So, she was reassured we wouldn't lose touch with her important friends.

Financially I am planning on getting us out of all credit card debt this year.  The plan is to only have a car payment and house payment.  Therefore, I want to get rid of the home equity payment as well.  This can be accomplished a bit easier without a tuition for private education.

Yes, we are seriously considering going the route of public school.  There will never be a place as magical as Dearborn Christian, but the truth is that is okay.  

We have had our home cleaned once, last Monday in fact.  It looked amazing, and I know that this change will make a huge difference in how I view our home and those in it.  What a stress relief!

Faith and Love
Lisa LifeUnity

Faith Life

As I mentioned above, we are attending a new church that our Ladybugs absolutely love.  I am at the point in my faith journey that I want to worship at a place with dynamic people who nurture my spirit and challenge me to think differently.  It has also been very comforting we can simply worship and fellowship and not be approached again and again to do something or to hear the latest tale about the pastor or a difficult member. Jim and I were invited to attend a small group that meets on the 1st Friday of the month.  We are going to attend, because it felt like the right decision to make.  There is no homework in this group, and I really like some of the group members already, so that really makes it sound fabulous.

The Piano Teacher
Wet Cavas

Work Life

My last blog described my plans for the future.  If all works out well, I will not be teaching private lessons this summer (June thru August), and take the time to enrich the Ladybugs' vacation.  We are members at Greenfield Village, Cranbrook and the Detroit Zoo.  So many things to see and learn, we won't be bored.  I also plan on condensing my student load - the hope is to keep those students who want to learn and practice and let go those who are not truly interested in learning.

I will also be open to other music opportunities, as I have many abilities and skills to do a variety of work.  

Garden Celebration
Suzeee

Blog Life

I have decided to make my blog writing a bit more cohesive  and I have also been referring to myself as MamaBug, a take on the Ladybug idea I started years ago.  Therefore I spent a little time creating a new header for the blog and making a few changes to my social networking connections.  This will afford me the ability to streamline my writing and communications with my readers.  

So here's to a reboot.  The year of the short bangs.  The year our family takes an adventure in education.  The year we take a trip outside of Michigan/Ohio (maybe).  The year we get out of debt.  The year we move into the next family chapter.  Hello MamaBug!

The End of a Chapter

or Where Are the Ladybugs Going to Attend School in the Fall?

A Sad Day
I have been keeping something a secret for some time now, but the balloon in my head needs to be shared.  I have begun a blog post a million times, it seems, and yet I just couldn't push "publish" after spending time writing.  The truth is: The Ladybugs will not be able to attend their current school in the fall.  Why is that?  Because the school is closing at the end of the school year.  I got confirmation today, but I have instinctively known this for quite some time.

In order to keep the school running smoothly, there needed to be approximately 75 children attending.  This year the enrollment begun at 42, and starting Monday we will be in the mid 30s.  Why?  Many different reasons.  The biggest reason that I could see is that people lost hope in the school.  Last summer a couple of families decided to pull their children and send them to another private school in the area.  When these families left the school, others joined them.  I find it interesting how quickly the sheep follow others.  But they did.

We did not leave the school, because I believed in what the school had to offer.  It is and has always been a magical place for me and my family.  I love the school, but know that this is the proper course of action.  It is heartbreaking because it comes in the aftermath of leaving our church less than a month ago.

Now What?
This leaves me and my husband, Jim, the hard decision of where the Ladybugs will attend in the fall.  Our public school system leaves a lot to be desired.  However, last week I put in the paperwork for a school of choice in the district.  We are not thrilled with our neighborhood choice, and we really hope that the school we've selected has room.  I sent a letter describing our reasons to request the school of choice.  Hopefully our desire for after school care, and an ease of transition for our anxious Zoe will be enough.  Of course I realize it is all in His hands.

I suppose we have to establish what is Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc.  I would put self-homeschooling at the bottom of the "plan list".  I love my Zoe, but we are like oil and water.  I do very little homework activities with her, because she constantly gets annoyed with me.  However, I would be open to having a professional teacher provide "home-schooling" for the Ladybugs in the fall.

The real issue is that we do not want our children attending a private school that is affiliated with a church.  We have been blessed to be at a Christian school that is not affiliated with a church, but is parent sponsored and run.  The other non-denominational schools in the area are basically twice the tuition as we are currently paying.  That is a lot of piano/voice lessons I would have to do.  I'm not entirely certain what will happen to my business either.

2013: The Year of the Short Bangs

I have been trying to focus my thought bubbles on more amusing topics.  It has not been very easy.  However, yesterday I got very short bangs, and I have decided that 2013 will be the year of the short bangs.  And for THIS change, I am all ready!

Giving this Christmas

This year I was warmed when I looked at the pile of our wrapped gifts compared to the donations we will be making to the Ronald McDonald House this week (items were originally going to be donated on Friday, but Zoe was ill).  The wrapped gifts were half as large as the items for donation.  I'm not trying to take the "I'm so awesome because I am teaching my children the true meaning of Christmas" road.  But I am proud that they are cherishing the few physical gifts they have received.

What about Santa?
I love the myth/historical Santa.  He is an annual visitor at our house.  He brings the Ladybugs a few fun stocking stuffers and one large item.  This year he brought a bike for Zoe (she has been using hand-me-downs since she was little) and a "big girl" flashing light scooter for Evie.  The gifts he brings are unwrapped, and were not part of the pile comparison from above.  Jim and I usually get one or two things for the girls that we wrap.  This year they got skateboards - Jim's idea.  Santa also brought the family a gift this year - a Blueray player.  Woot!  No more having to use the Xbox for DVDs!

No, there were not towering piles of wrapped surprises (like many of my Facebook friends posted this morning).  No, there were not tons of wrappings left all over the floor (a la Christmas Story).  But neither Ladybug seemed to mind.  They are thrilled.  And not overwhelmed.

What About Family Members?
I was very specific this year when I told family members gift ideas.  My grandma seemed upset at first when I told her little dollar store items were perfect (the Ladybugs call them GG gifts).  I assured her that if she wanted to also give money, that was okay.  Giving the children money allows us to purchase clothing, or other necessities.  We can even take them to museums and other venues over the two-week break that will build memories.  In my humble opinion, I don't remember a lot of things I got as a kid but I do remember special trips and times spent with family and friends.

Yesterday, the Ladybugs both received presents from my parents: Zoe got a very nice telescope (my father is over right now assembling it) and Evie got a "twin" American Girl doll.  Both girls got a couple books, and activity tables for the car from my sister.  And when Evie opened the money she cheered!  I had to laugh.  The Ladybugs thought they were rich!

Riches in Presence Rather Than Presents
And I believe this is the richest Christmas ever.  Both children have said the same thing: THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!

Our Christmas program at school had a song called, "The Gift".  There is a line in it that states, "It's not about what we can give, it's what God gave to us."  And I believe this to be true.  It is not about piles of gifts or how much you spend (or save on special sales), even though the commercials illustrate a completely different theme.  To bring home a point - look at how Jesus (the Christ in Christmas) spent the first Christmas.  The stable, the hay, the simple birth.

I am thrilled to spend time together; visiting with family yesterday, visiting with more family today (the Martin side) and then spending time with my very best friend, Dana, and her son, Orson, on Wednesday.  The memories and the presence is all the presents I need.

Merry CHRISTmas Everyone!

Finding My Religion - Post Mortem

or What Was I Waiting For, A Slap in the Face?

Three weeks ago, I had probably the worst migraine headache in years.  I was very nauseous, and I did something I have only done a few times in the last 20 years: closed my music studio.  However, in the midst of everything I also sent a letter to our church's moderator regarding my complete disappointment in our church.  I would have posted the letter here (in fact it was online for maybe 2 hours), but Jim wasn't keen on the intimate sharing of the document.  However, in all honesty, my readers could probably construct a letter with blog entries.  If you are new to this blog, here is the link to earlier entries: Finding My Religion

The initial response made my letter seem like an annoyance.  I was told that I should have gone to the church counsel meeting and voiced my concern.  I just shook my head in disbelief.  I responded that with three job schedules and two children and their schedules, coming to church meetings is not always possible.  Plus I was very uncomfortable getting up and reading my letter in front of everyone.

Then nothing.  Of course that is until yesterday.

One Last Mission
In order to feel completed, I decided to champion a mini mission to be completed before Christmas.  The church has been collecting pop-tops for the Ronald McDonald House for many years.  A few years ago, the Sunday School took the collected tops to the Detroit RMH.  It was a great field trip, but nothing has happened since.  So I decided to organize an effort to help support the Ann Arbor facility.  I did research and wrote an article for the messenger and weekly bulletin.  I sent the article and got confirmation from the pastor (who I had copied on the email).  Yesterday I got the messenger, and was my write up in it?  Nope.  A small statement that I was doing the mission, but nothing about what the collection actually accomplishes for the Ronald McDonald House charity.  The bulletin blurb has also not happened.

I realize that the secretary and/or pastor (who manages the messenger) are not the same people who made the decision to use the Sunday School room and Nursery for the Rummage Sale.  They are not the same people who are not interested in doing more mission work.  However, I felt the slap on my face pretty loud and clear.  And I must admit I cried.

I sent an immediate email to the secretary and copied the moderator (who pretty much wrote my earlier letter off), the pastor, and Jim.  I simply stated that the article I wrote did not appear, and why was that.  This morning I got a very emotional response from the secretary, which basically said that she has been preoccupied this month and that I could come into her office and yell at her if I wish.  It also appeared that the original email I sent with the article was far from her memory.  So I sent an email with the original article email attached.  Here is what I wrote:

Here is the "blurb" I wished to have in the messenger as well as a condensed version for the bulletin. I thoroughly understand being preoccupied with life, however, I gave this to you in plenty of time to fit it into the messenger.

I am not going to come into the office and yell at you, that is not in my nature (nor is it productive). However, I am very disheartened that the time I took to write the above was not appropriately given space in the messenger. I wanted people in the church to understand the mission, not just read that someone is finally doing something with the pop tabs.

The blurb that did appear was on the Minister's Pen page, not really an appropriate placement for a mission. However, I noticed a very nice write up for Joseph in there as well as almost an entire page for Pat's humor column.

I actually just found out this week that there is a competition between the Ann Arbor Ronald McDonald House and the Toledo one. The pop tabs need to be delivered before Thanksgiving. I will see to it that our donation is part of the competition.

Thank you.

Then I get a response from the moderator suggesting I select 5 or 6 church members for a meeting regarding my letter to him from three weeks ago.  So now I pray...

I Believe in A Higher Power

or Why Do People Assume I'm a Christian?

A few weeks ago, I was asked to write a musing about perception of faith.  I have been contemplating how I would even begin such a challenge, but I definitely was excited to take the challenge.

Rooted in Youth
I always believed most children grow up and become an adaptation of what their parents are/were.  So basically if a child is raised Christian, he will grow up to become a Christian.  Said child could change denominations (i.e. Baptist to Methodist or Catholic to Lutheran), but essentially the child will continue in the traditions set by parents.

However, as I have spoken to many adults I have realized that even though many continue in the faith of their fathers, others journey elsewhere looking for something different.  And even though many claim to have no faith, or practice religion, many believe in a higher power: God.

Then Why the Assumption?
Most people perceive others as believing what they do.  I know I personally assume those around me look at the world the same way I do, or at least those to whom I surround myself.  Of course it is always very eye opening when reading a status message on Facebook how little I am often correct with those assumptions.  And it is not always such a simple line that delineates what I believe and that others are in opposition.

I also believe people inherently want to be accepted and want others to agree with their beliefs and essentially who they are inside.  As a mother I continuously go through doubt when it comes to my children.  I think as a Mom it is hard to always remain confident to the choices you make.

I remember when I was pregnant with Zoe.  Everything was so new.  I had experienced a miscarriage only a few months earlier, and yet now I was in the thick of deciding what I needed/wanted for my baby.  Would I be breast or bottle feeding?  Would I use cloth or disposable diapers?  Would I use a crib or co-sleep?  And the opinions were everywhere I went.  Every mom felt it her duty to tell me what was the correct way.  I had so much information thrown at me I became very overwhelmed.

I clearly recall this one afternoon when I was about 8 months pregnant with Zoe.  Our friend, Dave, was over helping Jim create a bathroom in the basement for my music studio.  I had just got off the phone with my sister after a conversation regarding cloth diapers.  She used them for my niece and was encouraging me to purchase a very large amount from a friend of hers who was selling them.  I felt so pressured at the time.  I didn't know what I wanted to do.  I went into the basement and began crying.  My friend, Dave, said something along the lines of, "What do you care?  Just do what works for you."  This was coming from an experienced father and a very intelligent man.  I remember completely changing the way I thought about motherhood at that point and started to enjoy it.

Bullying Into Belief
I still cannot believe the amount of pressures a parent has in this society.  Our choice to send our ladybugs to a private Christian school got looks from many others (including members of our family).  I think it had a lot to do with the fact I have always believed in faith with an open mind.  I am not what many would consider a traditional Christian woman - at least in the Titus 2 viewpoint.  But my conviction in the teachings of Jesus push me forward into a belief of loving all others.

I was bullied as a child and teen, but I believe some of the worst bullying comes as a parent.  I feel many Christians are lumped into an Evangelical-based bias, and not truly embracing the love and acceptance to which Jesus lived his life.  I do not worry what others think as much anymore, but I cannot completely admit I don't care at all.  I do.

The thing I loath the most about being a Christian is how unChristlike many self-proclaimed Christians act.  If we are all created by God, we are all His children.  And here is the kicker: EVEN THE ONES WHO ARE NOT CHRISTIAN!

Perception Once Again Is The Answer
It seems like such a cop-out, but the truth is our perception fogs how we treat others.  We assume other believe what we believe.  Therefore, if we are Christian and someone we meet is spiritual and believes in God we incorrectly assume they are a Christian as well.  Assumption is never the way one should deal with others, but unfortunately as humans we behave in many illogical ways.

Do where does this leave us?  Pretty much with a perfect opportunity to begin treating others without the blinders of perception and inherent beliefs.  Delighting in others love for each other, and not worrying or concerning oneself for what or whatnot that person believes.  Does it matter if you are a Christian and your friend is Islam?  Is it okay if you believe Jesus died for your sins, but your friend doesn't believe the Messiah has come?  Is it okay to find comfort in a church family, but have a friend who does not attend a place of worship?

I believe the answer is: YES.  Emphatically, yes!  Because we are love, we were creating in love, and the love we show and share with others ultimately defines us.  I sincerely hope that after reading this blog post some of my more narrow-minded readers might rethink how they treat others and how they perceive others to believe.

Finding My Religion Update

It has been over a month since I last updated regarding my religious journey: Finding My Religion so I thought I'd give you a brief update.

These last few weeks have been so hectic with work and family matters that I have completely adored my Sundays off.  There is something so liberating with approaching Sunday morning with joy rather than anticipated anxiety.  I simply have no desire to return to that way of approaching church, so Jim and I have begun to look towards the future and where we might be happy and comfortable to worship.

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back
I mentioned that the Rummage Sale at the church was a final straw in the frustration I was feeling towards our church.  However, the final straw was finding out the Board of Education hired a Sunday School teacher.  The problem?  I am a member of the board, the chairperson in fact.  At our last meeting in August, I told the Superintendent of Sunday School that I was not going to teach Sunday School this year.  The other board member (yes, there were only 2 of us) was leaving the church, so I suggested finding a young college student to teach the children each week.  Then my family decided to not attend church until after the disaster of the Rummage Sale, and next thing I know the "board" hired a new teacher.  A phone call to the other member (my dear friend, Rachel) confirmed that the teacher had been hired by the Superintendent and Minister, not the Board of Education.

I immediately contacted the Superintendent.  She had no idea she had done wrong.  This poor communication was the last straw for me.  It sealed my desire to move along to another church.  And that is just what we are going to do.

The Grass is Always Greener
I sincerely know that my desire to find something better might not be so simple.  Jim and I have become quite comfortable in our traditional yet forward-thinking church.  The United Church of Christ is one of inclusion, not at all like the institution of my past.  However, many traditional churches are going through pains of their own, and honestly I do not want to leave one problem to go to another.  Mostly it is a case of the older parishioners wanting things to stay the same.  We also want a parish that offers a variety of activities for our children.  The ladybugs are at the ages now that having "more" offerings is important to us.

Yes, they get a Christ-centered education at school, but having Sunday School or activities for group fun is missing at our current parish.  Okay, they have Sunday School with two other children.  Yes, folks, the Sunday School is now dwindled to a meager 4 children when our ladybugs attend.  But there is nothing during the week that other churches offer.  I am not saying that my children would want to join a children's choir, or bell choir, or youth group, or Bible study, but having it as an option would suggest the church is focused on children and therefore: families.

When Jim and were looking for a parish over 7 years ago, we only had an infant: Zoe.  There was a small Sunday School class at Dearborn Congregational and a very charismatic minister.  We loved the warm people, and there were a few families we enjoyed sharing fellowship.  However, those families no longer attend, and the mindset of most of the congregation is: STAY THE SAME SO WE HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK SO WE HAVE A CHURCH UNTIL WE DIE.  Did I mention the church has $250,000 in the bank to which they don't want to do anything with?  So sad to see a slow death...

Even if the Grass is a Bit Yellow
Seriously, we are ready to find another place to worship; even if that means not having everything we want.  What I am hoping for is for our girls to feel included and loved, and to find a place that focuses on families.  Where will this be?  Time will tell.  However, I am not sure I feel like jumping into becoming a member somewhere yet.  Maybe just enjoying being a parishioner for awhile.  Jim and I have agreed to continue our tenure on the boards in which we reside.  This means after December 31st we are done.

I suppose we all have breaking points, and no amount of prayer or meditation will change my mind about where I am at in this situation.

Random Question for Future Blog: Why if One Believes in God Do People Assume One is Christian?

Your opinions are greatly appreciated!

Happy Mistakes

or how after 10 years I just found out Jim is not a member at our credit union

This has been an interesting week - financially speaking, that is.  Last Friday Jim and I went to a swanky hotel and stayed in a suite.  When we checked in, we gave the girl behind the counter a credit card.  She charged the room, but then tried to charge an additional $200 to the card for possible "other charges".  At 15 bucks a pop, that means we could have rented 12 pornos, or drank/eaten most of the contents of the minibar (I assume).  Of course I'm not entirely certain about the minibar, because Jim never could figure out how to get it open.  And, no, we didn't rent 12 pornos...we didn't rent any.

But I digress, the card was declined for the additional $200.  I was embarrassed and surprised all at the same time.  I mean, I'm so good with money and our family's finances...what did I miss?!

When we came home on Saturday I diligently found out that during the first three weeks of my new job, I missed some transactions in my budget spreadsheet.  I called the number on the back of the credit card, hoping to get a $5000 increase.  After getting hung up on a few times (something was amiss with their system), I finally got a very nice gentleman who informed me I had to call another number.  What was that number?  My credit union.  Ugh.

I spoke to a very nice girl at the credit union.  She put my information through to get a credit line increase and told me I'd hear back by Monday.  On Monday afternoon I called there, and I was told that because I do not have an income (a REAL job that is), I was declined.  I had told the nice girl I didn't have a real job, but that my husband (who is on the card and on the member account at the credit union) has a good job. This new girl (girl #2) told me that my husband was only a signer on the card, but that she could put his information through to get the credit check to work.  Jim was happy to give his information over to her, and once again we were told in a couple of days we would hear.

Wednesday I phoned the credit union back and talked with girl #3.  She told me that both girl #1 and girl #2 neglected to tell me that we would have to apply for a completely separate loan (credit card).  I told her, fine.  I also told her that I was frustrated at the process, because Jim and I have been married for 10 years and he was added to everything back then.  She was really nice.

Yesterday I get a call from girl #3.  She says, "Well, Michelle, I have good news and bad news."  The good news was that we were approved for the increase.  The bad news?  Well, the last 10 years Jim has not been a member at the credit union.  He has appeared on the checks, can sign stuff, can sign on MY credit card, but is not technically a member.  She also pointed out that if we had ended the marriage, I would have been responsible for the credit card AND the accounts associated with my member # at the credit union.

So now we need to go to a branch and he has to sign some paper and I have to show my ID.  Apparently they need to prove I'm still who I am.  Hopefully this fiasco will end on a positive note: Jim will become a true member of the bank and a responsible party of the credit card.

I am also excited, because I just received a package in the mail today - The Story For Children and The Story for adults.  This book is being used by Zoe's classroom for her Bible curriculum.  I fell in love with the illustrations and concept, so I had to have it for her (and Evie).  I also felt that I needed to read the book too!  So now I have my Bible as one continuing story of God and His people.  :)  I will definitely let you know, reader, what my opinion is of the series.  Have a glorious weekend.

Grace for All (Part #2)

Two weeks ago, I wrote a blog about Grace: Grace for All and then I read The Ragamuffin Gospel and established new ideas of what Grace means.

Grace Proclaims the Awesome Truth that ALL is Gift
Brennan Manning stated the above and a light bulb appeared over my head.   Everything in our lives is a gift. Everything.  Not just what we THINK is a gift, everything that we have or see or hear or...well, just everything.  Brennan goes on to state:

"While there is much we may have earned - our degree, our salary, our home and garden, and a good night's sleep - all this is possible only because we have been given so much: life itself, eyes to see and hands to touch, a mind to shape ideas, and a heart to beat with love."

Let the Children Come to Me
If we are truly come to God as a child, a child hasn't really "earned" anything yet.  A child is open and honest.  A child is able to love and believe because they have life, not because they have been given a good job or found a life partner.  What about the person with special needs who might not be able to achieve a doctorate degree or a mansion and a yacht?  Are they less of a person?  Not in God's eyes.  He sees the heart - open and knowing.

I have been very blessed to have taught special needs students.  In fact, I have a few this year too.  One young man is in my 6th-8th grade music class at the school.  He has aspergers syndrome and his grandma spoke to me before the first class to let me know.  I had already viewed her grandson in a few social environments and knew he was a spectrum kid.  I believe music is a wonderful way to connect with children with special needs.  I have been making sure to call on this child and allow him to participate to his comfort level.  I got a message this morning via Facebook:

"Just want you to know how much xxxx is enjoying music class.....for the first time in his life, by the way!!!! Thank you Michelle!!"

But the truth is: her grandson is the blessing to me.  It is through children I see God's grace and His love.  

Everyday Mysteries

Brennan Manning writes:

"The gospel of grace calls us to sing of the everyday mystery of intimacy with God instead of always seeking for miracles or visions.  It calls us to sing of the spiritual roots such commonplace experiences as falling in love, telling the truth, raising a child, teaching a class, forgiving each other after we have hurt each other, standing together in the bad weather of life, of surprise and sexuality, and the radiance of existence."

Grace is everywhere and in everything we have.  How often we forget that if we are looking for "mountain top" experiences?  When truly we should be taking in what is right in front of our noses - looking to the current level of our world.  Our world is completely saturated with God's Love and Grace.  We are part of that, but so is EVERYTHING around us.  Why is this so hard to grasp?

I think it is because we cannot even imagine how great His love for us is.  I do think as a parent my understanding of God's love for us (his children) is much greater, but even then I know I am not even able to grasp it completely.  

I will leave you with this passage from Andrew Greeley's "What a Modern Catholic Believes About God":

"Reject Christianity, if you will, out of motives of cynicism; turn away from it because you believe.  Reality is malign and punitive; choose a God that is cantankerous, vindictive, or forgetful, or determined to keep man in his place, if such a God is more to your choosing.  If you cannot accept the idea that love is at the core of the universe, that is your privilege.  If you do not believe that the Absolute passionately wants to be our friend and our lover, then by all means reject such a seemingly absurd notion.  If you do not believe that we have the enthusiasm and the strength and the courage and the creativity to love one another as friends, then quickly cast aside such an incredible idea into the trash can.  And if you think it is ridiculous to believe that life will triumph over death, then don't bother with Christianity, because you can't be a Christian unless you believe that."

Grace for All

"But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

 To him be glory both now and forever! Amen." II Peter 3:18

The above scripture is our school's Bible verse for this academic year.  With the first part: "Grow in Grace and Knowledge" being the most important part.  For to really grow as a Christian, we must grow in both grace and knowledge.


Amazing Grace
Grace, which is mentioned in the Bible some 170 times, is being given something that we do not deserve.  God gives us this grace, or blessing, each and every day.  It is by His grace that we are saved from our sinful selves.  This is His gift to us even though we do not deserve it, and it is by this grace we are given eternal life.  We are a weak people, but it is through His grace to which he makes us strong.

If we are to be like Christ, we too need to treat other with that same grace and kindness.  God smiles when we serve others with the grace he bestows on us.  It might not be deserved; many do not behave in a way that they appear to "deserve" His grace nor ours.  However, as with all attributes of God - grace is something we need to "do" even when it seems impossible to understand why.







We can also remember Grace by this acronym:

God's
Riches
At
Christ's
Expense

I think Ephesians says illustrates the above best:

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—

and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 

not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Knowledge is Power
Knowledge, which is mentioned in the Bible approximately 172 times (depending on the version/translation), is the familiarity with something or someone.  To have knowledge according to the Bible, one has the truth and knows why he/she has this conviction.  To be a Christian, we must be informed of our reasons we have chosen that faith and the truths which present themselves through the words and ministering of Jesus Christ.  God wants us to know Him, to appreciate Him, and to have a relationship with Him.  If we truly seek Him, God will grant us the insight to strive for knowledge.  And this knowledge for a Christian is the relationship with Christ and the living God.

Why Must We Have Both?
Have you ever encountered a "know-it-all"?  I have...many times.  In fact, I have noticed that know-it-alls beget know-it-alls...and that makes me very sad.  I think being a braggart is one of the ugliest personality characteristics.  Yes, it is important to have knowledge. To know His truth.  But bragging about what you know is not showing grace to the others around you.  We need to know His truth and understand what He wishes us to know...but to act humble and with grace is equally as important.

However, one can be kind and treat others with grace and not have the knowledge God wishes us to know. Yes, we should be kind - BE KIND BE LIKE CHRIST - but without background in scripture and the truth in faith grace can be lost in the shuffle.  No one attribute is enough in this case.  We must have grace and knowledge to be the way God would have us.  And I, for one, want to strive to this behavior.

As a teacher, which is different than parenting my Ladybugs, I must show grace and knowledge to my students this year.  I must do my best to exhibit these traits and help them learn how to as well.  I am in no way an expert, so I believe we will learn together.  And I hope that makes God smile.

Finding My Religion - Update

This is an update for a recent blog series.  If you are interested in reading: FINDING MY RELIGION

I ended the above blog series with questions regarding the future of my church family.  I left the readers wondering what decisions I would make for my future participation in our current church - or any church for that matter.  And honestly, at the point I opened the door to my religion background and opinions I really wasn't sure what the future might bring.

Hello Sunshine
This summer has been one of real changes.  We fixed the basement, I redecorated most of the home, and I reevaluated what was most important in my life.  Our church has also become a place where I find little comfort anymore.  The people who I was closest too have become strangers to me.  I am very close to throwing in the towel, and the straw that broke this camel's back?  Three little words: The Rummage Sale.

Each August our church has had an annual rummage sale, and has been for well over 50 years.  The Women's Fellowship chairs the event, and for usually one month the church looks like crap.  It smells like crap too.  However, this year the Women's Fellowship decided to have the sale in October.  Their reasoning was to limit the hot days working at the church.  And I seriously understood that the older you get the harder it is to handle hot days.

However, the rummage began taking over the church in June.  Yes, June.  The Board of Education, to which I am a current member, agreed to letting the filthy rummage take over 2 weeks in the Sunday School room.  However, the Sunday School room was already full of clutter and junk well over a month ago.  I tried to not let it bother me.  Mainly because I have resigned from teaching Sunday School this year.  I have taught for 5 years, and it is time for me to do something else.  I resigned at the August meeting.

But I digress.  This past Sunday I was the Substitute Music Director, and I pretty much called it my Swan Song at the church.  When I arrived the place looked like a garbage dump and smelled just as sweet.  Thankfully I went alone, without Ladybugs, because as I walked down the hall to the bathroom I noticed that even the playroom/nursery was full of rummage.  I was like - REALLY!?  Since when is the nursery a room to display this catastrophic mess.  I went home and shared my disgust with Jim, and he just shook his head.

Voicing My Opinions
Then I was asked to be a member of an elite meeting today at our church.  The committee is called The Pastoral Relations Committee, and they like to sit down with the pastor and discuss good and bad stuff.  I had no idea why they called the meeting, but it seemed like my opportunity to voice my concerns about how the church runs stuff.  So I let them have it - I talked about the money that sits in the bank ($200,000), the lack of mission work, the lack of advertising, and the fact that there is no communication whatsoever regarding ANYTHING.  I told them that the way the church looks appears to be one that is not welcoming for my girls, and that I cannot imagine any new people coming into the church with children and being happy with the condition of the environment.

I probably told them more stuff...but I made sure to sound well informed and stressed how other churches have kept their congregations and thriving, not just surviving.  The two older woman said that all Dearborn churches were doing poorly.  But I told them that was not the case.  I used a couple examples, and then stated that in order for our church to survive we must find out what other successful churches are doing and do THAT.  I was pleased at what I said, and how I kept my composure.  I also bet that the other three committee members and the pastor (maybe not the pastor) were a bit surprised at my candid commentary.

What Now?
Jim and I have made the decision to stop attending church until the rummage sale is over.  Regardless what the Director of Sunday School wants to do, we are going to stay home with our asthma and allergies (and our principals).  We have told the girls we can visit the church next to their school one week, but we already have plans this Sunday (meeting friends from out of town at Greenfield Village) and next Sunday (Family Reunion).  So we shall see how everything pans out in the next month or so, and you know I'll share it as it happens.

Peter Was Human

or - What Simon Peter and Laura Ingalls Have In Common

St. Peter  - Guido Reni

I am currently studying about Peter in my morning Bible studies.

Yes, reader, THAT Peter who was a beloved friend and disciple of Jesus, who denied knowing Jesus when Jesus was taken prisoner, and yet still the ROCK to which the church is built.  The same Simon Peter who with his brother, Andrew, fished on the Sea of Galilee.  In Matthew Chapter 16, Jesus approaches Simon and asks what others are calling Jesus.  Simon tells Jesus he is the Messiah and the son of the living God.  Jesus renames Simon, Peter, because only God could have shared this information.  The name Peter means Rock.

There are so many "human" characters in the Bible.  Men and women who screw up, make mistakes, and seem an awful lot like us.  Even the most important characters were sinful in their nature, and many questioned God and His intentions.  I can relate to how Peter denied his his friend and teacher, his rabboni, and so can Laura Ingalls from the TV series Little House On the Prairie.

Last night, after I returned home from book club, I turned on the TV to look for something to watch until Grimm started at 10pm.  I noticed a Little House was on, so I clicked over.  The episode, called The Music Box, was a story about how Laura betrayed her friend, Anna, all over a stolen music box.  In the beginning of the story, we are introduced to a little girl, Anna, who has a lisp.  All the girls (headed by Nellie Olson, of course) make fun of her; all the girls that is except Laura.  However, when Nellie realizes Laura has stolen her music box (something she simply threw aside) she uses that knowledge to blackmail Laura into also making fun of little Anna.

I was bullied, but I do recall a couple of times I tried to tease another child hoping to get the heat off of me.  I ALWAYS felt uncomfortable when it happened, and I regretted behaving so horribly.  Laura also realizes her mistake and apologizes to Anna for her behavior.  I believe it is human behavior to survive in this world, and I believe that is exactly what Peter was doing when he betrayed Jesus.  He wanted to live.

As we know, Peter does not continue to deny Christ.  It is widely accepted that Peter was the first pope.  However, at this point I really don't care if he was the first pope or the first leader of the world-wide church. What one can gleam from the Bible is that Peter was loved by God and by Jesus.  Even though Peter denied knowing Jesus, he was still seen as the one to whom others could rely: the ROCK.

I certainly look forward to learning more about Peter in the days to come.

Reclaiming My Mornings

A Declaration to Myself

Today I began a new chapter in my life - Reclaiming My Mornings.

What does this mean to me?

• Taking time to walk at least 2 miles per day
• Spending time with God
• Planning out the day (including dinner)

I have also decided to incorporate making healthy choices for meals and snacks, and no after dinner snacking (unless it is a very small healthy choice).  I will also wake at 6am and go to bed by 11pm.  I also must wear my mouth guard 5 out of 7 days in order to help my teeth cope with the grinding.

I sincerely hope this public declaration will encourage me to continue with my progress.

In a Post Modern Feminist World

I was born into a home with a mom who did everything.  She sewed our clothing, she baked cookies at least once a week, she made every meal from scratch, and even played with us crazy girls.  My sister and I were 19 months apart, and couldn't be any more different.  I guess you could compare us to my Ladybugs - best friends one minute and worst enemies the next!

I was raised with Christian values, and I had an educationally rich and loving childhood.  Looking back, I had a very wonderful upbringing, of course at the time I felt deprived.  We didn't own an Easy Bake Oven, nor a Slip and Slide; we never drank Koolaid, nor did we get that Starwars AT-AT that was on my wish list.    But what we did have was two parents who lived for us, unselfishly.  I never would have guessed that being a girl wasn't a great thing, even during Sunday School and the like.

I suppose the first time I knew there were double standards was when my male friends, Mike and Joe, were able to stay out later or take the car more often.  My parents claimed it was because, they were boys.  I was disgusted at the time, but my parents also had double standards for my sister and I.  So I came to just accept (though not without groundings) that things were different for me.

I just finished The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd, and I must say I was definitely inspired to do some soul searching.  Do I live a life reflective of a predominately patriarchal society?  And worse yet, am I teaching this to my Ladybugs?

Carolyn Heilbrun as written about the "scripts" for womanhood that are handed to women to live out, culturally defined scripts that are written in advance and passed to females from birth.  And historian Gerda Lerner writes that men and women live on a stage, acting out their assigned roles.  They play can't go on without both of them... ~Sue Monk Kidd

If this is true, what "scripts" have my Ladybugs been given?  Do they have any clue they are growing up in a patriarchal society?  I had no clue at their age.  I have always fed their interests, whether that be dressing up or playing with legos.  I think "traditional" female roles are a thing of the past.  These roles began to crumble in my mother's generation; however, my mother felt compelled to take on the role of Mom-Who-Does-Everything.  I'm not so sure that is the right answer either.

Kidd illustrates her journey to The Feminine with different mythological stories and artistic symbolism.  I think one of the most interesting allusions was to the "mother line" illustrated in a Matryoshka doll (Russian nesting doll).  Each layer of the doll represents a mother throughout generations.  For what it is worth, I love Russian nesting dolls and each Ladybug has a set along with a beautifully written and illustrated book.

I am hoping to describe the beauty of the line of matrons in our family.  How interesting it would be if our histories were told by the line of women and not men?

Finding My Religion Part #5

For those of you finding this blog for the first time today, you might want to acquaint yourself with the first 4 blogs in the series:

The Genesis of My Faith

The Exodus of My Faith

The Lamentations of My Faith

The Numbers of My Faith

The Psalms and Songs of My Faith

Music has always been my passion. There are times when I am singing that I feel His presence around me. I have felt the light and seen the light of God around me when I am lifting up His name in song. For those of you who know me, this cannot be a surprise finding. For those of you who do not know me...I know God blessed me with the gift of music, thus I believe he lifts me up when I am singing for His purpose.

So have I ever had an "aha" moment? Yes. But it was simply singing in church as a young child. Nothing like being on an actual mountaintop, but powerful just the same. I also know He works in my life. Each time I tried to give up this gift of music, He intervened. I struggled with the idea of becoming a teacher like my parents - if nothing else, just to be defiant. However, each time I stepped away, He pulled me back. Six years ago I finally threw up my hands and said - "Use me Lord!" And you know what, reader? Ever since then my teaching abilities have flourished and I have no desire to pursue another career.

With all that I have shared, you must be wondering what do I believe? So in this blog I will conclude with where I am currently on this journey of mine. I will be honest, reader, I am in no way, shape or form completed with this journey. And in all truthfulness - that is very exciting to me! I love to learn and to grow, and as long as I am alive I plan on doing just that.

I believe we are all connected spiritually. All people: no matter where one's faith lies, where one lives, what color one is, what political party best suits one, what one does for a living, what one's bank book looks like, or what one's sexual preference is. ALL OF US. When I was anxious about what to do with schooling for Zoe a few years ago, a very wise woman told me, "You need to do what is best for you and for your family. No one can tell you what is best for your family. Only you know that." This phrase has stuck with me ever since. I believe that we will are all on journeys and that we all have lessons to learn on this Earth. However, my journey is not your journey. So even if you know the answer, I may need to take many more stumbles and falls before I get there.

I have become quite confident that I am a Christian. I no longer doubt that. I believe in the principles of Jesus, and his desire for us to live more humbly, more loving, and more kind. As Zoe reminds me almost everyday - "BE KIND BE LIKE CHRIST!" 

 

As some of you know, I also have studied with a Jehovah Witness (Bonnie) to see what kind of religion they have.  I always wondered - you know the kookie people who come to your door and state "the end it near"!  And I went from believing they were a cult to really respecting their commitment to living a life based on the Bible (or at least their interpretations of it).  Bonnie gave me a great gift, even if she is not able to still be my friend: she taught me that what is unknown is simply unknown not evil or wrong.

I am open to knew ideas, to the possibilities of creating new paths on this spiritual journey.  I am grateful that I have wonderful readers to share this with, and I appreciate the fact that I'm not just experiencing this alone. 

Thank you all for listening and your loving and kind words of wisdom along the way!

Finding My Religion Part #4

This is the fourth installment of Finding My Religion.  If you'd like to read the first three parts:

The Genesis of My Faith

The Exodus of My Faith

The Lamentations of My Faith

The Numbers of My Faith

When Zoe was born, my world changed. When Zoe was born, my world turned upside down. It took about 6 months before Jim and I even thought about looking for a church. After all, I didn't want to be Lutheran (nor did he) and he didn't want to be Catholic (nor did I...). We determined that we needed to find a church with a traditional service, since that was most comfortable. No worship bands, no power point productions, no coffee house in the lobby, no massive congregation that gave us a number instead of a name.

We decided to try a Congregational church because it was modern (women could minister) but traditional in the service (hymns and familiarity). The church was a small church, 3 children, lots of acceptance and close to home. There was an excitement that I thought was infectious. I loved the way the older congregational members were so thrilled to get younger families. We felt right at home, and became members when Zoe was about a year old. When Evie was born we had both girls baptized at this church, because we thought this would be our "forever" church. Within just a little time, 12 children were part of Sunday School or newborn babies.

At the time, our church paid for a Sunday School teacher, because frankly it was nice to be able to send your child to Sunday School and enjoy church. Yes, this particular Sunday School program met at the same time as the adults worshiped. This seemed so lovely as a parent. I would send Zoe off and let my baby Evie sleep away during the service.

And then, the Sunday School teacher quit with no notice.

Then a few months later, for VERY good reasons, the pastor was fired. We were now a church without a pastor and a Sunday School program. This was so upsetting for me. There were approximately 12 children attending before the pastor left, and only 6 children attending after the pastor left. Two of those children were mine. My ladybugs were getting older, and I started questioning if the church was still right for us. Jim and I decided, yes.

So a group of 5 ladies (myself included) took over Sunday School responsibilities. We split the schedule into 5 week rotations and it seemed to work effectively for us. However, a few months later, one of the families left and there were only 4 children. I was voted in as the Sunday School Director, and spent countless hours (most likely 40+) working on the Sunday School and Nursery room. I organized the supplies, cleaned, and removed items that were no longer needed. Time passed and and 3 more children joined. If you are following, that is 7 children in the Sunday School program.

numbers...and more numbers...and, well, you get it

And those are not the only numbers that were altered.  Our friend was the treasurer, and he told us that the church had approximately 8 years left financially (this was in 2007).  That is, unless a miracle happened.  And so far it has not.  More people left the church: some passed away, others left for a better place to worship.  The truth is, I still really loved it there...even though my children were 2 of 6 children at the church.

Time passed, we got an interim pastor and I transferred my "power" onto another mom.  Currently we have 6 children in the program and only 3 teachers.  All 3 of the Sunday School teachers are moms and have 2 children each.  It has become quite cumbersome teaching every 3 weeks, but no one else wants to take on that task.  After all, we have a one room Sunday School program to meet needs of children 4 thru 12.  HUGE difference in interest and capabilities.  However, how else should we teach?  Make three classes?  No.  I cannot even begin to imagine this.  Plus the average age of the congregation is 80.  Can you imagine an 80 year old teaching?  Neither can I.

A couple years ago my mother, father and grandfather joined the church.  At the time they joined, Jim and I were very VERY active members.  And I was very proud to share the church.  My mother joined the Dioconate, and my father and grandfather serve as ushers and greeters quite often.  They quickly became active members as well, and I could say that I served the church by being the saying: Each One Reach One.

Our commitment this passed year has faltered.  I no longer look forward to going to church, and have to do everything possible to motivate myself to attend.  The hymns are okay 50% of the time, but quite often there is one that is just horrible.  And the sermon is just poor quality.  Pretty much there are great points in the sermon, but I can only compare it to eating a meal of pancakes, potato salad and hamburgers.  All are great, but the three do not make a cohesive meal.

A few years ago, I started a book club and created a woman's circle called - The Eve Circle.  When I could no longer come on Monday evenings because I taught, nobody wanted to change these monthly events to a different night.  I was basically pushed out of the book club, because now another member does most of the book choosing - rather than adhering to my list of who chooses next.  I attended the last book club, because it is summer and I'm not teaching lessons on Monday evenings.  The meeting was no longer enjoyable.  I felt like an outsider.  My family also took a month off from attending church (we did attend a different church one of those Sundays), and when I was in church on Sunday I also felt like outsider.

The truth is, a church is a lot like a family: people hurt your feelings, people take advantage of you, people love you, and people praise your talents.  But unlike a family, a church is not blood and it is not something you have to stay involved in if your spiritual needs are not being met.  I could never imagine shunning my parents, nor my sister.  Maybe that is just me.  Dunno.  You cannot choose your family, but even my mother is disgusted that I am talking about finding another church.

As the girls get older, their needs continue to change.  I don't mind teaching here and there or teaching before or after worship.  However, I think it is very important to teach them about what happens during worship, rather than parade them out like cattle to do a craft.  That can work for a preschooler, but a 7 year old should be able to participate in worship and be able to enjoy and learn what being a part of a congregation is all about.

Sure, both girls go to a Christian school, so they get daily reminders of Christian values and the teachings of Jesus.  At some point, I want the girls to get more than a craft from Sunday School - but for now I am giving my current church a lukewarm effort.  I am hoping to spend some time working in the Sunday School rooms and nursery this week, as they are very neglected by others.  Is this my role at the church now?  The cleaning person?

Finding My Religion Part #3

If would like to read Part #1:

The Genesis of My Faith

Or Part #2:

The Exodus of My Faith

The Lamentations of My Faith

*isn't this picture beautiful?!*

I suppose most people go through life questioning why, but I have always been an above average inquisitor.  From an early age I wanted to know answers to my "burning" questions (picture a kid with her hand raised going, "me me!"), and I wasn't satisfied until I had the complete answer (even if it was slightly made up by my Grandpa Riske).  I also have always been very empathetic to other people's emotions and needs.  I have a difficult time ignoring how people feel about me - especially if they harbor negative thoughts.  This probably stems from getting bullied in my past.  The negative stuff is always easier to believe (actually seven times statistically).

And I do tend to seesaw from overwhelming trust to having a wall up with people.  I acknowledge that this contradicting behavior directly relates to my desire/indifference to hang out with people (or be in public at all).  Most would say that I am an outgoing person, and I have to admit that I am good with people.  However, I have learned skills to act comfortable even when I have no desire to be around people.  I remember a lot of times during my life that I would needed to be alone (or in the company of very few), and honestly reader I have been in that place for the last couple of weeks. Maybe that's why I am so introspective with these religion posts, but I digress.

So from 2001 until 2005 I did not go to church.  However, I did go to a few Christmas masses at the in-laws church, and I went to a number of weddings as well.  I cannot pretend this counted as having religion, but rather pretending to have religion out of obligation.  When I was a kid, we called people who only went to church at Christmas and Easter the C&Ers.  I was becoming just a Cer.  I could not find ANYTHING positive about church - NOTHING at all.  After all they were all corrupt, they were more focused on the external than the internal, they were exclusive, etc.

When Jim and I decided to get married we did not have a church in mind.  In fact, in 2002 we were not interested in having a church wedding at all.  I had been married before, in a church.  Jim had denounced the Catholic faith when he was younger.  We had initially thought it would be fun to get married in catacombs or have a destination wedding.  But I felt sorry for his parents, who thought our marriage would be without religion...and therefore, damned.  So we agreed on renting a pastor and having an outdoor wedding.   

Life in those early marital days were VERY business focused - I was pretty much working 60-80 hours per week.  And honestly, I didn't see the effects it had on my marriage.  I really loved my work at the music studio, and Jim and I had fallen into a very comfortable routine.  Then I suffered a miscarriage in 2004, and that was the point I knew I needed to sell the studio and move onto a less stressful work situation.  It was shortly thereafter I became pregnant again.

Then Zoe was born.

*not me...but it accurately illustrates my experience*

Zoe's birth story is not the kind you read in books, nor was it at all what we planned (we were VERY naive). The birth classes suggested bringing along cards, having activities to keep you busy (because labor could take hours and hours and hours), and that I could take showers to relax. I even remember seeing the movies and slides with the happy and relaxed moms - who had all gone through prenatal Lamaze classes. Smiling...breathing...just naturally wonderful. I was looking forward to the spiritual event.

But all of this did NOT happen with Zoe. I started labor at 8am and she quickly came 8 hours later at 3:59pm. I pushed for two of those hours, because she was stuck. In fact, at one point, they told me they would have to vacuum her out...yeah. So I admit, reader, I did a lot of bargaining with God. You know, the proverbial, "If I get through this I will come to church!" Or, "If you can speed this along I promise I'll return to church!" And, well, He did a good job on his end. Therefore, it was my turn to make good on His.

Finding My Religion Part #2

To read Part #1, click here:

The Genesis of My Faith

Today I continue the saga of my faith journey, with the appropriate title:

The Exodus of My Faith

When I was a high schooler, I was very close to the Assistant Pastor, Jim.  I babysat his children and I taught his daughter weekly piano lessons.  He was a very good man, but he left the church only a few years after joining the staff.  When he left I thought it was for a better opportunity in Illinois, but I do believe there was more to it.  Would I have stayed if he had?  Maybe.  But I do not believe he would have stood for what happened to me.  I now believe he was forced out - as often happens when someone doesn't fit in with the "norm".  This time, of course, the norm was a very opinionated group of disgruntled parishioners and Pastor Jim didn't fit.  Neither did I.

*the way I felt about religion*

Due to the way I had been treated (the shunning, the music director exploitation), I became very disenchanted with religion all together. It wasn't as if I was attending another church or worshiping elsewhere, I was simply not going to church. This was 2001, the year I started dating my husband, Jim, and the year I quit my "real" job to be a full-time music teacher/business. Therefore, I made my Exodus of ALL religious institutions.

About a year after I left the Lutheran church, I got a letter in the mail. I knew it was from the church - their address was on the outside. I had been receiving the monthly messengers, so getting mail wasn't odd. However, the crazy part was what the letter said. Since I no longer have the letter, I can only give an approximation of its contents. The letter stated that the church knew I made $50,000 per year, so that according to their records I owed $5000 in tithes. They had just installed a new "state-of-the-art elevator system" so they were hoping I would submit my share.

First off, I did make that much prior to leaving the business world. However, I never once told them what I made - NEVER! This was also before Google and the way our lives are so public, which was really disturbing to me and my psyche. I also found it to be really ballsy - even if I had told them how much I made, what made them so certain that I would WANT to give this money to them. And I assume they kept pretty good attendance records, since they collected name/address cards during communion (which was once a month). So they would have been well aware I hadn't been attending regularly. I suppose the truth was, they didn't care about me...just my money.

About a year after that, I got a postcard from the new youth director. She was hoping I would participate in new youth activities at the church. Mind you, reader, I was 27 years old - a bit old to be considered a youth. I simply laughed and knew that I would not be returning; it wasn't a situation of a pastor (she seemed really nice), I no longer believed in the doctrine of the Lutheran church.

This was also the time I began reading interesting and very thought provoking books.

*one of the books*

Did this book change the way I viewed Christianity?  No.  But I did begin realizing that the church was/is man-made.  Men created the doctrine, not Jesus.  I wasn't even certain if I believed that Jesus was a real man.  I am not embarrassed to admit this - I questioned my faith, as MANY Christians do.  I read a lot of books on different faiths, which were definitely fascinating.  Why?  Because as a student of the Lutheran faith, we spent a lot of time getting taught what it was to be a Lutheran, why we were superior, and what we believed.  We were simply taught that the Jews killed Jesus, Catholics were hypocrites because they worshiped idols (Mary, Saints, etc.), and any multi-god/goddess faith was breaking the laws of Moses (The Ten Commandments).  How narrow-minded!

I suppose I should answer a few questions that you might have: Did I still pray?  Yes.  Did I still believe in God?  Yes.  Did I feel betrayed?  Yes.  Did I feel there was something else out there?  Yes.

Finding My Religion Part #1

In an earlier blog, I mentioned that I have been a bit disillusioned with my church.  I also stated my intent to write a blog in the near future. It is very difficult to describe my current frustration and sadness if I don't start at the very beginning - the very Genesis of my faith.  I do hope, reader, this blog post gives you more incite into my heart and mind.

The Genesis of My Faith

*random parishioners*

I was baptized and raised in a Lutheran Church.

When I was a little girl (I have memories starting around 4), I had a very strong faith in Jesus. In fact, I had a crush on the Anglo-Saxon version of Jesus. I carried around various pictures of Jesus, and thought he was extremely handsome. I also looked forward to traveling up north each summer, because on the road there was the "Jesus Sign" which said - Are You On The Right Road?

I looked forward to going each week to Sunday School and learning about Jesus. The church had two worship services- 8:30am and 11am - and Sunday School took place between the services. Most of my knowledge of Jesus was from curriculum and not scripture focused. I did receive a Bible for my First Communion, which was when I was 12. My Grandma and Grandpa Riske bought the white leather bound Revised Standard Version Bible and had my name embossed on the cover in gold. I did use it during Confirmation Classes, but not very often. We usually spoke about what Lutherans believe, and why being a Lutheran was superior to other faiths. In fact, I finally read that Bible cover to cover only a few years ago.

I was not a saint, reader, so don't think this blog is geared towards my piousness. I admit to getting kicked out of Confirmation Classes on two separate occasions: disagreeing that babies not baptized go to hell, and stating that there were in fact dinosaurs. On both occasions I was forced to write a letter of apology. I knew God was a loving God, and therefore would not subject a baby to hell if they were not baptized. And I couldn't understand why dinosaurs couldn't be added to the animals in the creation story. The church was strict in what it required for membership, but I really didn't know anything else. However, even though I was a bit of a rebel I was Confirmed at 14. This was the completion of Sunday School at our church.

When I "graduated" from Sunday School, I attended the High School class to hang with other High Schoolers. It was a place to watch movies, talk more in-depth about being a Christian (more importantly a LUTHERAN), and further explore our studies. I immediately felt very out of place. I just didn't buy the idea that praying to God for an "A" in school was a good idea. I also felt that God's grace did not allow you to "get out of" doing something at home or at school. The other kids were VERY cliquey and they seemed to have no space for an awkward 14 year-old girl.

I decided the best fit for me was teaching Sunday School. First I was a helper, and I assisted the nursery teachers with singing and playing. Then I got my own class of 3 & 4 year olds. I was a Sunday School teacher for many years. When my first marriage failed, I never faltered my commitment to the kids. I loved creating projects based on the curriculum, and the children brought me joy. I also found humor in the fact that when I taught the creation story, dinosaurs were mentioned. I laughed really hard when I realized that Lutherans DID believe there were the thunderous creatures, and that I wasn't a heathen after all.

It was during the school year 2000-2001, that the music director of the Cherub Choir (little kids chorus) noticed my ability to direct little ones. So she asked if I would voluntarily fill in for her. I spent every Sunday in November and December preparing the children for the Christmas Program, and I accompanied the children for their church performances during both Children's Sundays. I also ran the Christmas Program rehearsal with the children - which included a lot of organization and direction on my part. At the finish of the concert, the music director was given a huge bouquet of flowers and commended on a job well done. There was a standing ovation and praise given from the parishioners.

*random pageant children* 

Over Christmas break, I discovered that the music director was double dipping. She was getting a salary from our church AND working at another church. She was working at the other church on Sunday mornings, and therefore could not work with the little cherubs. I never got thanked at by her or the Sunday School director. I was also too naive to say anything.

So I went ahead and prepared the Cherub Chorus for the Spring show. This also meant I was preparing, accompanying and directing monthly Children's Sunday performances as well. At the end of the school year, the music director was once again praised for her job, and I was not even acknowledged for my "help." When I brought my concerns to the Director of Sunday School, he seemed complacent. As Summer drew to an end, I was approached to run the Cherub Choir as a volunteer for the 2001-2002 school year (the old Director was not available...fancy that). They were not going to pay me. I did a lot of praying, and decided to write a letter which stated I would not teach nor direct the choir that school year. I was definitely being taken for a ride, and it was only just beginning.

What happened next was very disturbing, and it still is sad even all these years later. When I was a teacher, people always said "good morning" and "hello Michelle" and "enter nice text here". When I stopped teaching I would come to church and no one said ANYTHING. I would smile, and people looked away. I swear it was like I was getting shunned. I honestly cannot tell you how upsetting it is to be ignored by people who you considered your extended family. It was ridiculous behavior, and I decided that I was no longer going to worship at this church.