Finding My Religion Part #3

If would like to read Part #1:

The Genesis of My Faith

Or Part #2:

The Exodus of My Faith

The Lamentations of My Faith

*isn't this picture beautiful?!*

I suppose most people go through life questioning why, but I have always been an above average inquisitor.  From an early age I wanted to know answers to my "burning" questions (picture a kid with her hand raised going, "me me!"), and I wasn't satisfied until I had the complete answer (even if it was slightly made up by my Grandpa Riske).  I also have always been very empathetic to other people's emotions and needs.  I have a difficult time ignoring how people feel about me - especially if they harbor negative thoughts.  This probably stems from getting bullied in my past.  The negative stuff is always easier to believe (actually seven times statistically).

And I do tend to seesaw from overwhelming trust to having a wall up with people.  I acknowledge that this contradicting behavior directly relates to my desire/indifference to hang out with people (or be in public at all).  Most would say that I am an outgoing person, and I have to admit that I am good with people.  However, I have learned skills to act comfortable even when I have no desire to be around people.  I remember a lot of times during my life that I would needed to be alone (or in the company of very few), and honestly reader I have been in that place for the last couple of weeks. Maybe that's why I am so introspective with these religion posts, but I digress.

So from 2001 until 2005 I did not go to church.  However, I did go to a few Christmas masses at the in-laws church, and I went to a number of weddings as well.  I cannot pretend this counted as having religion, but rather pretending to have religion out of obligation.  When I was a kid, we called people who only went to church at Christmas and Easter the C&Ers.  I was becoming just a Cer.  I could not find ANYTHING positive about church - NOTHING at all.  After all they were all corrupt, they were more focused on the external than the internal, they were exclusive, etc.

When Jim and I decided to get married we did not have a church in mind.  In fact, in 2002 we were not interested in having a church wedding at all.  I had been married before, in a church.  Jim had denounced the Catholic faith when he was younger.  We had initially thought it would be fun to get married in catacombs or have a destination wedding.  But I felt sorry for his parents, who thought our marriage would be without religion...and therefore, damned.  So we agreed on renting a pastor and having an outdoor wedding.   

Life in those early marital days were VERY business focused - I was pretty much working 60-80 hours per week.  And honestly, I didn't see the effects it had on my marriage.  I really loved my work at the music studio, and Jim and I had fallen into a very comfortable routine.  Then I suffered a miscarriage in 2004, and that was the point I knew I needed to sell the studio and move onto a less stressful work situation.  It was shortly thereafter I became pregnant again.

Then Zoe was born.

*not me...but it accurately illustrates my experience*

Zoe's birth story is not the kind you read in books, nor was it at all what we planned (we were VERY naive). The birth classes suggested bringing along cards, having activities to keep you busy (because labor could take hours and hours and hours), and that I could take showers to relax. I even remember seeing the movies and slides with the happy and relaxed moms - who had all gone through prenatal Lamaze classes. Smiling...breathing...just naturally wonderful. I was looking forward to the spiritual event.

But all of this did NOT happen with Zoe. I started labor at 8am and she quickly came 8 hours later at 3:59pm. I pushed for two of those hours, because she was stuck. In fact, at one point, they told me they would have to vacuum her out...yeah. So I admit, reader, I did a lot of bargaining with God. You know, the proverbial, "If I get through this I will come to church!" Or, "If you can speed this along I promise I'll return to church!" And, well, He did a good job on his end. Therefore, it was my turn to make good on His.