The Healing Has Begun

This week the Ladybugs and I embarked on a new journey: homeschooling.

And I have to admit, I was a bit reluctant to even think of being with my girls all day EVERY day.  But the truth is, I absolutely LOVE it.  I would have never thought it would be so satisfying and overall stress-free.

I was able to watch my Ladybugs explore science, engage in conversation about history, further develop math skills, and run and play in our backyard with our new puppy.  Laughter, giggles, and smiles accompanied their overall demeanor, and the healing allowed the stress from the toxic school environment to melt away.

A Mistaken Reason for Leaving
For most of the week after we left the school, I was asked in countless emails and phone messages to reconcile and talk through my issues.  That reconciliation and communication is the "Christian thing to do".  As much as I believe forgiveness is essential for the one who is hurting, trust is something that does not heal by simply hearing, "I'm sorry!"

Some believe my family left the school for selfish reasons on my part, and I would like to address that now.

Since the moment I took the teaching position at the school, my family has undergone stress.  I spent countless nights praying and deep thinking about what I could do to rectify the decision I made.  However, my decision to teach at the school was always for my Ladybugs, so I persevered.  I entered the new year with hope, a cleaning person, and a daughter in therapy for her anxiety.  The challenge work/life balance was definitely a difficult one, but I did feel that I could successfully finish out the school year.

However, immediately there were children talking about how they couldn't wait to attend a new school in the fall (or sooner), and parents were whispering in the hallways.  Then the letter came home with the sad news: the school was closing at the end of the school year.  My family were all saddened by the news, but the saddest part was only to come.

I have written many blog posts regarding the process I took to determine which school situation was going to be best for our ladybugs this fall.  However, doing research and developing a logic-based system proved to simply mask the hurt and anger we continued to feel regarding the closing of a beloved school.  As time went on I was shocked to find how others were acting, and I was also appalled to learn how at least a dozen families were delinquent on their tuition for the school year (some had balances that included passed years as well).  Here us "long time" families were asked to make pledges to get the school passed this "transitional year", while others were not even contributing a dime.

It was also becoming obvious that certain families did 90% of the work at the school, resulting in a huge surplus of parent hours.  Two parent families are required to work 40 hours at the school, and we already had close to 50 hours by Christmas break.  However, there were families who had a huge deficit where parent hours were concerned, and for years these families were never charged a fee for this (even though that was the supposed method of action).  This, and other decisions made contributed to my disillusioned emotions.

Then the blog hit the fan.   Interesting factoid: Our puppy, Maggie Mae, was born on February 22nd, the same day I published this blog:

Not My Child

When I was approached to pull the blog, I thought about quitting on the spot.  However, I felt that I needed to make a logical decision, and one that was best for my entire family.  I gave myself until Easter break.  There were times that I was certain that I would finish out the school year.  However, as time progressed the environment became increasingly toxic.  Evabug began to cry all the time, begging to stay home from school.  Even when I explained how fun school was, she just couldn't return to the little Ladybug she was before.  Zoebug came home with stories about other children and the teasing.  I could see that we were all affected by the death that was happening around us each day.

I believe the decision to leave when we did was the best choice we could make for our ladybugs, and therefore, myself and Jim as well.  Not the other way around.

Moving Forward
I have had people question whether I will homeschool the Ladybugs in the fall, and I simply do not have an answer for that.  I must say that I really love being with my bugs, and I look forward to the path we forge together.  I know that even if it truly wasn't the "Christian thing to do" we have made the right choice to heal as a family.

The Journey Continues

I am often amazed at the doors that open following ones slammed in my face.  And I am happy to report that I believe that is exactly what my family is experiencing this week.

Door #1
The first came in the moment I knew being a homeschool teacher was something I could do successfully.  The Ladybugs and I joined my dear friend, Jill (Aunt Jill), at the Hands On Museum in Ann Arbor.  The girls had such a great time.

At one point, Evabug was looking at a ball machine.  The balls were getting sucked up into the machine, and the idea was that you could feel the air flow.  Evabug has always been fascinated by the machine at the credit union drive up window.  I explained to her that this ball machine was a lot like the machine at the credit union.  There was a mom standing next to the machine with her child and she said to me, "Oh!  I didn't think of it in every day activities!"  The area is called "THE WORLD AROUND YOU," which I would have to think is a place children can experience the science that is around them every day.  And I realized that I could truly be an effective teacher for my ladybugs.  After all, I have been teaching them since they were born.

Door #2
The second door was a doggie door.  For quite some time now the Ladybugs (especially Zoebug) have been asking for a puppy.  In the beginning, Jim was reluctant, and I actually was pretty certain I would not be able to convince in otherwise.  Once a week I spend a bit of time searching online.  During this time Jim agreed to a puppy, but only if it was a lab mix.  I happen to be partial to golden retrievers, most likely because our neighbors had two and we had a golden/husky mix growing up.

Last Wednesday I came across two puppies from a farm.  The people bread lab/golden/border collie mix puppies, and cocker spaniel puppies too.  They currently had two of the lab mix puppies for sale.  Only $100.  It seemed like such a low price, considering the puppies came with a health guarantee.  They were dewormed twice and had their first set of puppy shots.  I contacted the seller, and she was more than happy to post new pictures of the puppies.  I told her we wouldn't be able to make it out to them (they were one hour and 15 minutes away) until Saturday, but that we really wanted one of the puppies.  We spoke the next morning, and I really thought they sounded like a wonderful family.  She even gave me credit for the $50 deposit they require from interested buyers.

So In Conclusion
We were thrilled to bring home little Maggie Mae on Saturday.  She is truly a sweet little girl, and she has added a sense of fun we desperately needed around here.

The Ladybugs just finished their first day of homeschooling, and I am really proud of the work we were able to finish in just 5 short hours.  The doors that have opened have completely surprised me and reassured me that our journey is going to be fantastic!

March Wrap-Up

March has definitely been a month of true change and introspection.  I have made decisions that will definitely change my life and the life of my Ladybugs.  I have always been confident before this school year.  However, I do hope that by the next "monthly wrap-up" I will be back to the old me again.

So lets get to the goals.

Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet.
I was really doing well with Harry, really.  Until the stress of my job completely took over my every free thought.  Currently the Kindle app states I am 55% completed with the 3rd book in the series.  However, I also completed my first book using the Amazon Nook app, "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe".  I really enjoyed this book a lot.  Per a recommendation by one of the DHftMWNtB authors, I have also started reading, "Beyond Ordinary: When A Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough".  Right now my brain needs to read spiritual-focused books that restore my faith in humanity.

Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally.
I turned 38 on the 27th of this month.  I woke up feeling old.  I was emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually drained.  I quit my job and pulled the girls from the school the day after.  I know moving forward I did the right thing for us.  However, getting to the end was really stressful and anxiety ridden.  I took a look at my schedule this morning and there was space!  There is hope and that is the first step on a healthier path.  I also decided that my spirits soar when my house smells good (not just looks good).  So yesterday I bought two bunches of daffodils from Kroger (2 for $5), and my entire dinning room smells of spring.

Goal #3: Give more.
This month we gave $100 to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.  My God Mother and Aunt, Cindy, suffers from Primary Progressive MS.  I realize the small amount we donated is pennies in what is needed to discover a cure, however, I do believe that every little bit counts.  Unfortunately I did not donate my time to a cause or person needing help this month.  I hope to make up for that by spending extra time in April with volunteering.

Hope your month was productive!

Embracing Homeschooling

Not my ladybugs, but you get the "picture"....

I have always been a very open person when it comes to lifestyles.  I have tattoos, I would like my nose pierced, and I LOVE glitter (okay maybe the last one isn't all that wild).  However, when it comes to my children I take a very conservative stand on their upbringing.  I had both in a hospital, I vaccinate, and I sent them to a private Christian school.  And that is exactly what I was providing: traditional values, traditional morals, traditional education.  However, as I have mentioned before, the environment of the school has become quite toxic.

So after weeks of uncovering more unpleasantries at the school, Jim and I are pulling the girls from the building and I will start homeschooling Monday, April 8th.

At first I was against homeschooling the ladybugs.  Why?  Because I know how they can act sometimes with each other.  Not nice.  And being together every day could potentially drive me insane.  But then a good friend of mine said that it would be special time together, time that we would always remember.  And that is exactly what I hope happens.  Good or bad, happy or sad; the time learning together will be a memory we will always treasure.

Yesterday a friend of mine, and mother to Zoebug's best friend, met for coffee.  She is also planning on pulling her daughter after Easter break.  We can help each other and keep each other's spirits up when we are feeling overwhelmed.  She plans on continuing her homeschooling in the fall.  However, my plan is to still have the girls attend the neighborhood school down the street.  But you never know!

After an emotional early morning coffee, I arrived a work and began looking through cabinets to retrieve any of my belongings.  I ran across a magnet that I have NEVER seen before.  It was a music note with scripture on it.  It touched my heart, and I believe it to be a perfect way to end this post.

"Thou shalt be secure because there is hope." ~Job 11:18

Having Faith in Myself

Over the course of the last year I feel that my heart has been torn by putting faith in other people.  So effective immediately, I have decided to put faith into my decisions and my choices.  When did I get so cautious?  When did I get so indecisive?  When?

I simply do not recall the exact moment I began to lose faith in my choices.  Maybe it was when I was no longer able to listen to the hypocritical members of our church.  A place I had trusted people with being part of my spiritual growth as well as the the spiritual growth of our Ladybugs.  I was certain my choice to be the Chair of the Board of Christian Education was the right decision for myself and my family.  I fought to keep the church alive when the former pastor was voted out.  I trusted my decisions to remain a member there even though there were plenty of trials.

Maybe it was when I was harassed by parents at our school as to my decision to send our Ladybugs to a public school in the fall.  For the last four years I have trusted my judgement of the school and those educating our Ladybugs, and in the last month I question whether or not we should have even sent the children there in the first place.  At the time it seemed to be the right choice.  I thought I was making a sound decision.  Now I wonder if I am capable of doing that.


But I might just have my grove back.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I spent time going through materials I have to homeschool the Ladybugs.  I never wanted to homeschool, I felt I'd go crazy.  But then I took a step back to look at my dining room, and I heard my dear friend, Dana, say, "This room is better than most classrooms!"  Which I realized is exactly what I have been creating without effort.  The room has two desks, a calendar, a schedule, an art wall, and a variety of manipulatives and curriculum to teach my two Ladybugs.  And I didn't even have to make a ton of effort in the process.

I have a small amount of time left to make a decision on if I will pull the Ladybugs after Easter break.  Basically I have two choices: To homeschool the rest of the school year, or continue at their school with the knowledge of its ever-growing toxic environment.  I have also uncovered the fact that there are two "schools" of thought amongst the parents.

One was the thought that God will provide.  This was the "school" of thought I was a part of in the fall.  I was hired with the idea that this school year was a transition year.  We were going to go through growing pains (i.e. people leaving), but that it would pay off in the end.  I really believed that the school was going to pull through, this time with a different curriculum and focus.

The other thought was that the school was closing at the end of this school year (or sooner).  That no matter what changes the school made, the future was inevitable.

The sad part is that these schools of thought were independent of each other.  People were making a marketing video, which was shown at the Christmas concert, when others were planning when to tell parents the news of the school closing. 

As I mentioned above, the idea of the school closing sooner is a possibility.  The school can only run if there is money, and there is not.  Once the letter of its closing was sent out, parents became stressed and frustrated.  Some decided to not pay their tuition.  I know that if the school is to make it to June, all tuition money needs to be paid.

So I have a big decision to make - homeschool the Ladybugs or remain at a school that may or may not be closing before the end of the year.  The hard part (as if there isn't enough stress already)?  Is that because I also teach there, I am supposed to act like "business as usual".  That NOTHING is different.  So far I'm doing the best I can.

I definitely hope that I can regain that faith in myself that I know I once had.  To make decisions that prove to be fruitful and beneficial for me and my Ladybugs.  Time will tell!

Sick of Being Sick

or...Did You Know Adenoids Can Grow Back?

Almost 30 years ago I had my tonsils and adenoids removed.  I am told that my adenoids were so bad it took 45 minutes to remove the tissue.  What I remember is the frequent throat infections, and the long recovery after the surgery.  I definitely did not get the copious amounts of ice cream my grandfather insisted would be given when I woke from surgery.  I was simply given a wet rag...a wet rag.  The thought of it turns my stomach today, but at the time my throat was so dry I relished in its liquid.  I then proceeded to vomit for the next 12 hours, or so it seemed like that.  What was intended to be outpatient surgery was one of the most horrific experiences of my young life.  The fact that I still remember quite a bit of the event also speaks highly of its effect on me.

How Did I Figure This Out?
I have not been feeling well.  I cancelled two routine check-ups with my doctor, due to conflicting schedule stuff.  However, I really thought something was wrong.  I made the appointment last Monday, before I received the email asking me to pull my blog.  Once I received the email, I quickly knew I would need adjustment to my anxiety prescription as well.  As the week progressed, I began to have a soreness in my throat.  I attributed it to the stress, and I worried that it was my blood pressure.  I have high blood pressure, but it is regulated with a prescription as well.

When the nurse checked me in, I told her why I originally made the appointment.  Then I shared with her the throat thing.  She took my temperature, and I had a fever.  Fantastic.  My blood pressure was perfect, so the throat thing must be an infection.  The doctor had me say, "ah," and he quickly stated that I had adenoiditis.  "But I don't have adenoids," I replied.  "They grew back," he stated.  Fantastic.  Apparently tonsils are removed as a whole unit, the adenoids are scraped.  Therefore, little seeds can remain and grow new adenoids.  Maybe they are back to being huge again.  This would explain my snoring lately.

At least I am starting to have more motivation that I have since Christmas.  I also seem to be focusing more on the positives around me.

The End of A Long Week

...or Thank God for Xanex!

I know there is a greater purpose for what I have been experiencing this week (and the last month in general), and logically I know the storm will pass (most likely leaving debris everywhere to be cleaned up...but that's another blog).  I also believe in karma; not because I hope people "get their due," but because I believe that by loving and caring for others, I too will receive love and support in return.

I have been humbled by those who have stepped forward and thanked me for my recent blog on bullying.  I have been approached by so many readers (in person and online) who want to show appreciation for my open and honest take on the subject.  Even though I felt it appropriate to remove certain content until a future date, I feel the essence of my beliefs remains in the words not affected by this decision.

The truth is, I have forgiven the people who bullied me years ago and even those who have hurt me recently.  But I am unable to forget the pain that I endured at their words and actions.  Due to my past, I believe I am able to identify bullying and volatile situations easier than someone who has not experienced the pain, the stress, and the overwhelming sense of helplessness.  I was surprised that I hit a nerve with some who felt I was being too unkind to children.  Some thought I wasn't taking into consideration that children are born into sin, and therefore unable to always choose the right words or actions.

Please let me make myself clear: I do believe that some children are unkind (or other more descriptive names) by nature and/or nurture.  However, to me it does not matter whether one believes a child is born into sin or whether one believes that a child does not understand their words and/or actions.  What I am stating is that I believe it is sad and lazy if we as parents and educators simply brush off a child's behavior as "normal" or "how all children are".  Yes, children often speak their minds, and yes, many times what they say is unkind or hurtful.  However, it is our job as parents and teachers to instruct children how to behave (and not behave) toward others.  It is not merely a result of one teacher doing her best to redirect conversations. We need to have assemblies, conversations, and really enforce bullying situations with consequences.  We also need to have children feel that their opinions and feelings matter.  Even if a teacher or adult does not perceive the situation as bullying, the student may feel differently.

And we cannot ignore what a child perceives happened, because after all our opinions are directly influenced by how we feel about our environment.  As a parent it is hard to believe everything my girls tell me, but it is critical to listen to what they are saying because to them it is important.  I was very lucky to have a mother who listened to my tangents of thought each night after dinner.  I do not believe the teachers at the school understood the deep hurt I felt with friendships, nor was the idea of getting bullied at the forefront of conversations.  However, my mother listened.  I oftentimes heard, "you just have a difficult group of kids in your grade/class."  Which in retrospect is like saying, "kids will be kids."  But the fact remains: my mother was a saint for listening.

The Minor Fall, The Major Lift
The tricky part of bullying is that most of the time children aren't chanting the taunting minor third, "na na na na na." to another child, nor are there bruises or wedgies from bullies obtaining lunch money.  That is stuff in which movies are made.  Unfortunately we as parents and educators are influenced by what we see, and oftentimes serious situations go unnoticed.  But I can tell you from my own experience that bullying happens at church, at Girl Scout meetings (in front of my mother), and during classroom group projects.  So it hurts me when people dismiss situations in which a child or children are getting belittled, or when parents and/or teachers think the problem has been resolved.  Ask the child/children involved...they will tell you when they feel safe and comfortable.

Yes, I was a victim of bullying, but nothing is quite so crushing as having your child a victim herself.  When I described the situation in the bullying blog post, I was sharing frustration based on a long conversation with Zoebug, as well as an email from her teacher.  I did state that her teacher deflected the conversations between the children, but the other children are not MY child.  And MY child was still upset when she came home from school.  In fact, it took until the following evening (and a school tour) for Zoebug to move past the situation.  Maybe other children were also affected, hurt, stressed, and confused, but I am not their Mother.  I also feel that the fears of these children could have possibly prevented if the school had an assembly or meeting for the entire school (parents, children, teachers, etc.) to discuss how to move forward without fears.  It is these fears that can and do fuel children's reactions to others, and in many cases lead to teasing and bullying.

Trustworthy Relationships
The most difficult part of this week has been determining whom I can trust.  The answer is a small few.  But this is not the first time I have had to make the hard decision to eliminate people from my heart and my life.

And with that, I leave you this: