Every Problem Has a Solution

Here is another article from Homeschooling with Heart.  This one talks briefly about my issues with dyslexia as a child and adult.  Here is the link:

Every Problem Has a Solution

10 Creative Ways Grandparents Strengthen Your Homeschool

Here is another article I wrote for Homeschooling with Heart:

10 Creative Ways Grandparents Strengthen Your Homeschool

Delia Derbyshire

I find myself fascinated by the next NOTEable woman.  Four years ago, Jim and I spent countless hours binge watching Doctor Who on Netflix. Then my family had the pleasure of visiting The Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff Bay, Wales three summers ago.  According to my research, the experience has since closed.  For all the negative that surrounded that trip, I am pleased to know we were able to participate in something that has since vanished.  Delia Derbyshire is best known for her work on the Doctor Who Theme.  However, her brilliant mix of mathematics and music was integral in her compositions.  Delia has been referred to as the unsung hero of electronic music. 

Delia Derbyshire

Delia Ann Derbyshire was born in Coventry, England on May 5, 1937.  Her parents were Edward, a sheet-metal worker, and Emma.  In 1940, after the bombing raids in Coventry, Delia was moved to Preston, Lancashire to live with relatives.  She was a bright young girl and was educated at Barr's Hill Grammar School.  She won a scholarship to study mathematics at Girton College in Cambridge.  However, after one year studying mathematics, Delia switched her studies to focus more on music.  She graduated in 1959 with a BA in mathematics and music, having specialized in medieval and modern music history.  She also obtained a LRAM (Licentiate of the Royal Academy of Music) in pianoforte, which is the formal name of the piano.  Even though Delia had educational training in music, she credits the radio as her greatest teacher. 

Upon graduation, Delia was interested in sound, music and acoustics, so she applied for a position at Decca Records.  However, she was told the company did not employ women in their recording studios. Instead Delia took a variety of teaching positions for the next year.  First she worked at the UN in Geneva.  Then she taught piano to the children of the British Consul-General and mathematics to the children of Canadian and South American diplomats. Next she taught general education in a primary school in Coventry.  Then Delia went to London and was an assistant in the promotion department of Boosey and Hawkes, a well known British music publisher. In November of 1960, Delia was hired at the BBC as a trainee assistant studio manager.  She first worked on Record Review, which was a magazine program where critics reviewed recordings of classical music.

In 1962 Delia was assigned to the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, which was a department that produced sounds and new music for radio and television. In 1963 Delia created her most famous work, which was an electronic realization of Ron Grainer's theme song to the Doctor Who series.  She spent two weeks in a converted roller rink in London's Maida Vale assembling the original theme from oscillator swoops and tape splices.  Grainer was so impressed with Delia's work that he tried to get her a co-composer credit  However, the BBC bureaucracy prevented his attempt. Members of the Radiophonic Workshop were intended to be anonymous. She would not get on-screen credit for her work until the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special in 2013.  Delia's version of the Doctor Who theme song was used from 1963 until 1980.  She also composed some of the auxiliary music used in the show.  Blue Veils and Golden Sands and The Delian Mode are two of those compositions.

In 1966, while still working at the BBC, Delia set up Unit Delta Plus with Brian Hodgson, a fellow member of the Radiophonic Workshop, and Peter Zinovieff, founder of Electronic Music Studios (EMS).  Unit Delta Plus was formed to create and promote electronic music to the general public. Unit Delta Plus performed their music at a few experimental and electronic music festivals, including the 1966 The Million Volt Light and Sound Rave.  However, after a problematic performance at the Royal College of Art in 1967, Unit Delta Plus disbanded.

In 1967, Delia assisted Guy Woolfenden with his electronic score for Peter Hall's production of Macbeth with the Royal Shakespeare Company. Then in 1968 Derbyshire and Woolfenden contributed the music to Peter Hall's film Work Is a Four-Letter Word. During this time, Delia also performed at The Chalk Farm Roundhouse, which is a popular music venue in London.

Delia worked again with Brian Hodgson in setting up the Camden town-based independent Kaleidophon Studio with fellow electronic musician David Vorhaus.  In a 1999 interview from Surface Magazine, Delia claimed to have created the sound track at Kaleidophon for Yoko Ono's 20-minute short film, Wrapping Piece, which was based on Ono's wrapping of the lions in Trafalgar Square in London.  Unfortunately a copy of the soundtrack no longer exists.  The studio also produced electronic music for various London theaters.  In 1968 Hodgson, Derbyshire and Vorhaus used the music to produce their first album as the band White Noise.  An Electric Storm, their debut album, is considered important and influential in the development of electronic music. The three also used pseudonyms and contributed to the Standard Music Library. Delia used the pseudonym "Li De la Russe" which is an anagram use of the letters in her name and a reference to her auburn hair.  Delia used this pseudonym when she created music for the British children's science fiction programs Timeslip and The Tomorrow People.  After creating An Electric Storm, Derbyshire and Hodgson left the group and future White Noise albums were solo Vorhaus projects.

In 1972, Delia composed the sounds for Anthony Roland's award-winning film, Circle of Light.  However, Delia continued to be unhappy with her work at the BBC.  Therefore, in 1973 she left the BBC and went to work with her lifelong music friend, Brian Hodgson, at Electrophon Studio.  Both the Electrophon and Kaleidophon studios were named after early electrical musical instruments made by Jorg Mager in pre-war Germany. According to Hodgson, Delia unfortunately did not get much relief working at Electrophon Studio.  In 1975 Delia stopped producing music. Her final works were two short-film soundtracks for video pioneers Madelon Hooykaas's Een Van Die Dagen ("One Of These Days") in 1973 and Elsa Stansfield's Overbruggen ("About Bridges") in 1975.

Due to her desire to escape the music world, Delia left London and worked as a radio operator for the laying of a British Gas pipeline.  Then she worked at an art gallery in Cumbria, England and in a bookshop.  In 1974 she married David Hunter in an attempt to gain local acceptance.  However, the relationship was a disaster.  Interestingly they separate but never divorced.  However, in 1978 Delia returned to London and met Clive Blackburn.  He remained her partner for the rest of her life.  Even though Delia had left the music world, she never stopped writing music.  Blackburn stated, "in private, she never stopped writing music either. She simply refused to compromise her integrity in any way. And ultimately, she couldn't cope. She just burnt herself out. An obsessive need for perfection destroyed her."

Later in her life, Delia had become a cult figure of the younger generation.  Therefore, in 2001 she returned to music, providing sounds used as source material by Pete Kember, former member of the alternative rock band Spacemen 3, on his album Sychrondipity Machine.  In the liner notes of the album, Delia is credited with "liquid paper sounds generated using fourier synthesis of sound based on photo/pixel info (B2wav - bitmap to sound programme)."

Delia was a chronic alcoholic and to many her life was quite chaotic.  She died of renal failure brought on by cancer on July 3, 2001.  After her death, 267 reel-to-reel tapes and a box of 1000 papers were found in her attic.  Delia's hometown, Coventry, named a street, "Derbyshire Way" in her honor in November 2016.  On June 15, 2017 a blue plaque was unveiled at her former home at 104 Cedars Avenue, Coventry England. It was part of a BBC initiative celebrating important musicians.  Then on November 20, 2017 Coventry College awarded Delia Derbyshire  a posthumous honorary doctorate for her pioneering contributions to electronic music.

Teaching Life Skills

Here is a link to my first published article with Homeschooling With Heart.

It was originally published September 18, 2017.

Teaching Life Skills

Hildegard of Bingen

When I was growing up my piano teacher gave me all the classics: Bach, Mozart, Chopin, Debussy, and many others.  I spent many hours practicing a variety of music from all the classic male composers.  Even when I took music in college, there was very little focus on women composers.  Therefore, I naively believed women were too busy being housewives to compose music.  How silly I was!  I believe that as a society we get complacent with what is taught in school.  I have noticed this especially with music education.  Even though I learned a lot from my piano teacher, she was definitely teaching 1950's curriculum to a studio of 1970’s and 1980's babies.  

Scientific and historical discoveries are happening all the time, and some of these women composers were known by the 1970's.  However, we are now able to find instantaneous information using our technical advances.  Believing all the answers are in the pages of an antiquated book is only being naive.  Therefore, I have vowed to share NOTEable women in music history in this blog series.  I consider myself to be a lifelong leaner, so knowledge I believe is power.  The first NOTEable women is Hildegard of Bingen.

Hildegard von Bingen | Line engraving by W. Marshall

Hildegard of Bingen

Hildegard was the tenth child born to a noble family, from the Rhineland in Germany, in approximately 1080ce.  Her parents were Mechtild of Merxheim-Nahet and Hildebert of Bermersheim, a family in the service of the Count Meginhard of Sponheim. In that time, it was customary for the tenth child to be promised to the church.  Hildegard entered Disibodenberg, an isolated hilltop Benedictine monastery, when she was a young girl.

Hildegard's Religious Life

On All Saints Day, November 1, 1112, Hildegard entered the monastery under the care of Jutta of Sponheim, daughter of Count Meginhard. Hildegard, Jutta, who was an anchoress (a symbolic anchor to God), and a servant lived inside a small enclosed hut, or hermitage. This one-room shelter only had a small window that led to the outside world. Meals would have been passed through the small opening. They were allowed one meager meal each day in winter and two in summer. Jutta, a countess in her former life and the abbess at Disibodenberg, practiced aestheticism, in which she was completely removed from the world and its views. This was a radical lifestyle, even for the time. However, Hildegard's parents insisted she be placed in the enclosure. It is thought that her poor health contributed to the decision. Therefore, Hildegard was raised on a frugal diet and wore simple clothing while not leaving the one-room shelter. Jutta taught Hildegard to write, read the collection of psalms used in the liturgy, and to chant the Opus Dei. Most likely she also taught Hildegard to play the zither-like string instrument called the psaltery.

Here is an image of what a psaltery would look like.

When Hildegard was 18, she became a Benedictine nun at Disibodenberg.  When Jutta passed away, Hildegard succeeded her as abbess in 1136.   Hildegard's writings were shared across Europe and many would pilgrimage to see the Sybil of the Rhine.  This celebrity status interfered with her work.  Therefore, in approximately 1147, Hildegard left Disibodenberg with several nuns and founded the Benedictine convent of Mount St. Rupert, near Bingen, Germany.  Hildegard died on September 17, 1179. Her Liturgical Feast Day is September 17.

Hildegard the Visionary

Hildegard was known to have visions, even when she was a child. She wrote and illustrated her visions in the book she named Scivias (Know the Ways).  These visions caused her much pain and suffering.  Hildegard shared her visions with Jutta and her tutor, Volmar, a monk.  However, she would wait until she was 42 to approach her colleagues.  Her prophetic visions reached Pope Eugenius III and after conducting thoughtful research he approved her work.  This gave her immediate credence, and people called her Sybil of the Rhine. She would continue to write two more theological books devoted to her visions and prophetic thoughts.

It is now thought that the visions Hildegard was receiving were in fact migraine headaches.  Scholars believe that the documentation surrounding the visions point in this direction.  Hildegard had been a sickly child, and it is thought that she had debilitating migraines her entire life.

Hildegard the Scientist and Doctor

Hildegard was what was considered a polymath, which is someone who has a wide-range of knowledge.  Her scientific and medical writings were not based on visions. Rather, they came from her experience helping in and then leading the monastery's herbal garden and infirmary.  Hildegard would have had access to theoretical information from the monastery's library of Latin texts. She combined physical treatment with holistic methods, and she called her method spiritual healing.  Hildegard organized her methods into two works.  In Physica (Natural History), she describes the scientific and medical properties of various plants, fish, stones, reptiles and mammals. Her second medical work, Causea et Curae, (Causes and Cures) is an exploration of the human body and its connection to the natural world. Hildegard viewed the human body as a garden, and spoke of how to maintain "greening power" (Viriditas) and balance between nature and humans.  Hildegard claimed  that diseases and ailments stem from an unbalanced body.

Pope Benedict formally declared Hildegard a saint on May 10, 2012, by way of "equivalent canonization". On October 7, 2012 he named her an official Doctor of the Church.

Hildegard the Composer

Hildegard is wildly regarded as the first known composer. However, the full extent of her musical compositions were not known until 1979, which was 800 years after her death. Hildegard pushed beyond the norms of what was accepted during her lifetime, and her music is a direct refection of this.  In fact, Hildegard even created her own language she called Lingua Ignota, and she used these words as lyrics to her compositions. Hildegard's chants were different than those written at the same time, because they were composed for women's voices.  She wrote these chants as a counterpart to the Gregorian chants sung by the monks at the Disibodenberg monastery.  Hildegard's chants also stretch the boundaries of vocal ranges, and the music is regarded as very vocally demanding.  Hildegard referred to her 77 lyrical poems collectively as ‘The Harmonious Music of Celestial Revelations’ (Symphoniae Harmoniae Celestium Revelationum).  She was so prolific that when Sequentia, an ensemble for medieval music, recorded Hildegard's catalog in it took 9 CDs and took 30 years to complete the project.     

Further Learning

If you are interested in listening to the compositions of Hildegard of Bingen, I highly suggest the list recommended in an article written by the Catholic World Report.  Christopher S. Morrissey also takes the time to provide English translations for his playlist: A Beginner's Guide to the Music of St. Hildegard of Bingen.

A Beautiful Mess

A Beautiful Mess

Three years ago, almost to the date, I wrote a blog post that started our homeschool journey.  At the time I did not realize this was the case.  However, after three years I have a few thoughts on where I was at the time and where I am now.

Here is a link to the original post: The Blog That Started It All

In the last three years we have been on a journey that I never could have seen at the time I wrote the post. Within a week I was berated and bullied by the school's principal.  The teacher who wrote me the email about my Zoebug and her bullies retraced the statement.  In fact, she said she never even wrote those words, which was insane since I had the original email.  I was told to take the blog down and to do a formal apology to all those involved.  I removed the blog post, but only because I was not prepared to fight.  I never once apologized for my reaction, nor did I feel it was necessary.  I was confused and I was ashamed that I let my situation get out of control like that.  I probably shouldn't have been so honest, at least not until my family left the school.

The moment I brought my girls home for Easter break and sent my resignation email to the principal was such a freeing moment.  One I will never forget.  I made the blog post live again, and felt a huge weight off my shoulders.  Of course minutes after I sent the resignation I was inundated with annoying emails.  However, the emails only reassured my decision. I was, not so politely, told that I would have a ruined reputation if I left the school.  That I would lose my ability to teach in my neighborhood, due to the tainted reputation.  Three years later, and I am still a successful educator with more private students than I had when we left.  So much for that tainted reputation.

I reread the blog post moments ago, and was transported back to the entire situation.  Hindsight, they say, is 20/20.  I can tell you that my entire tenure at this school was a cluster of fucks.  Between working hours that I didn't agree upon, to feeling like an outsider at teacher lunches...it is amazing that I didn't uncover the lies and deceit beforehand.

One thing I have noticed is that each day brings its own mess.  We are constantly making adjustments and learning from our mistakes. Lives are messy, but I wouldn't trade our lives for any other.

My 2015 Favorites

As the year ends, and I can honestly say it has been an odd one, I am reminded to focus on the positive.  So, here are 15 of my favorite things:

1. Dr Bronner's Peppermint Soap

I have very dry skin, and it itches a lot.  This line of soaps are, by far, the best I have ever used.  I love the way it makes my skin feel so clean, and it doesn't leave me feeling dry or itchy.  

2. OGX Teatree Mint Shampoo/Conditioner

Okay, I realize this is technically two products, but they go together.  I have always loved thin mint cookies from the Girl Scouts, and when I use these I am transported to childhood.  They also don't give me an itchy scalp, which is also a super good thing.

3. Aveda Beautifying Composition

This is the best combination oil, as it can be used on hair and on body/face.  I just love the way it can be mixed with other essential oils to create an even stronger elixir for wellness.

4. doTERRA Frankincense Essential Oil

This oil has completely changed how I clean wounds.  I no longer use peroxide, due to the fact that as it bubbles it kills healthy skin cells as well as the bacteria.  In case you are curious the article is: HERE.  Frankincense is my goto for zits, or scrapes, or ingrown hairs.  It is amazing.

5. Waterpik flosser

I actually wrote about this amazing tool earlier this year: First 40 @ 40 I still love this flosser and cannot imagine returning to the regular flossing of my past.

6. Tinkle Hair Remover

I know what you are thinking...pee.  But this little razor has completely changed the way I remove hair from my face.  And I am a klutz, so if I can get it to work than it must be amazing.

7. Nose Piercing

On my 40th Birthday I got my nose pierced.  It was a bit like getting poked by a large needle...oh, wait...it was exactly that.  But I still love the way it looks.  And I have been able to replace the jewelry and that is super fun.

8. Nordictrack Elliptical 

I am so glad to have been given the elliptical from my parents.  It has helped me exercise, despite the issues with my left knee and back.

9. Burt's Bees Pink Grapefruit Face Wipes

I am not a girl who can handle a multi-step facial cleansing routine.  I love being able to quickly wipe the day away.  I just love the way these smell, and they don't burn my skin nor leave it dry.  They have also replaced witch hazel, which is a much stronger astringent.

10. Hi*ball Energy Drinks

I love water...okay, I tolerate water.  But having an organic, flavored water is really awesome.  Plus it gives me energy and does make me jittery.  It is a bit pricey, but completely awesome for during and after using the elliptical.

11. The Girl on the Train

I read quite a few books this year.  However, this one has stuck with me.  A quick read, and I even suggested Jim would enjoy it (he did).

12. The Staves

I very rarely hear new music and think - yes, that is for me.  I know that comes with age.  However, I was pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed listening to many of the songs from The Staves.  They are my favorite music find this year.

13. Miley Cyrus

I suppose we all have a guilty pleasure, and I know this counts as mine.  However, ever since I saw her performance on Saturday Night Live, I have been a fan of Miley's music.  She might make strange choices in her life, but no one can deny her amazing voice, execution and interpretation of music.

14. Jessica Jones

I am NOT a super hero person.  And even though I had a huge crush on Superman as a kid, movies and TV shows about superheroes is not my thing.  However, I was so thrilled at how well the Netflix series of Jessica Jones was produced, acted, and directed.  I was left wanting more, and that happens rarely in a series.  I'm sure the fact David Tennant was the Purple Man had a lot to do with my love for the show.

15. The Man in the High Castle

Jim and I binge watched quite a few shows this season on Netflix: Master of None, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Grace & Frankie, An Honorable Woman, Dr. Who, and Portlandia just to name a few.  However, combine alternate history with a creepy theme song and I'm hooked.  It seemed some didn't think the characters were well developed, but I don't think that is what made the show so addicting. It was the discovery of the "man" (no spoilers) who we realize controlled the players, like puppets in his twisted reality.  Puppets are not developed.  And the scenery alone is worth the watch.

Well, that is a list of my top 15 favorite things of 2015.  What are yours?

This Ain't No Frank the Fish Finds a Friend

When I was in third grade, I finished my daily school work like I was in the Olympics. This allowed for time to draw and create artwork for my grandparents, who picked me up for lunch everyday. My teacher realized this time could be used a bit more effective, so she suggested writing a story for the Young Author's Conference. I would be creating a picture book and attending a special field trip?  Count me in!

At some point my friend, Dana, decided we should write a book together. We could BOTH go on the field trip. It was initially a pretty great idea. I made the illustrations, and Dana wrote the words on the pages. We would discuss the story and artwork and then each take care of that part of the story. So we were creating the story together. The name we decided on was Frank the Fish Finds a Friend. I loved alliteration, so the title basically wrote itself. As the name suggests, a fish named Frank is lonely while swimming in the big ocean. He dreams of having a friend to spend time with, and finally finds a girl fish. At this point, Dana and I had completed a lot of the book.  However, our teacher came to us and gave us the grave news: only one could write the story and take it to the conference. The other "author" had to have a separate work. She had made a mistake when reading the conference rules. I was so upset; I cried. Dana made a proclamation that since she "wrote" the story and I only "drew" the pictures, it was her book. At first I was devastated, but I had an idea: I would write a better story. And I already knew I drew better, so it HAD to be an overall better story.

What happened next was inevitable: a whole lot of unhealthy competition. I wish I could say it was healthy, but it was fueled by anger and jealousy on my part. I am pretty certain Dana was also acting on anger and hurt as well. I chose a new story idea: Puddems Adventures. A story about a mouse who finds another mouse and goes on adventures. Sound familiar? Yeah, because it was. It was my version of Frank the Fish. Each day we compared what we wrote at home the night before. When we compared, we would incorporate the different ideas. My mice got married, Dana's fish got married. Dana wrote tongue in cheek locations for her fish to explore, I also wrote tongue in cheek locations for my mice to explore: Mount Cheesemore, Cheesy Honeymoon Suite, etc. I became completely obsessed with creating this book. I didn't want the story to end and eventually asked my family for ideas on places Puddems could adventure. Finally I had to end the story, because it was supposed to only be a specific amount of pages. So I had Puddems get pregnant, have twins (a boy and a girl), and live happily ever after. I also ended with a statement that another Puddems Adventures would be coming soon. Ah, the simple naivety of an eight year old.

I'd like to say that after the initial competition, Dana and I were even better friends. Alas, unfortunately this became known as the Frank the Fish situation. We did eventually heal our friendship, and used this argument as a learning experience. If we were arguing in the future, we would always say that we didn't want it to become a Frank the Fish situation. That stupid confusion on our teacher's part tore our friendship as quickly as, well, as a page from a book. So, you can see my complete bewilderment earlier this month when Dana told me she needed to have three months apart from me and our friendship. I believed this was not a Frank the Fish situation. Apparently I was wrong, and it seems just as serious if not worse. I have been scolded and told to simply sit idle until she's ready to talk. However, this isn't third grade, and this isn't Frank the Fish Finds a Friend. We are 40.

I still have the Puddems Adventures book, and have fond memories writing it. Maybe not having expectations of friendship would have been better on my part. However, I am not sure if I can forget what this latest situation uncovered. But, like a good picture book, I will continue to move forward by turning pages and opening myself to new adventures.

Stay tuned - a new Michelle adventure is coming soon!

Number Twelve - 40 @ 40

For the better part of three months, I have been reluctant to blog.  Why?  Because the one person I thought would always be my friend, has decided to eliminate herself from my life.  People grow apart, and people change.  However, it is almost inconceivable what happened on our trip to Wales. At first I was concerned for her feelings, but as the time has gone by it has come very clear that it doesn't matter what I feel. The following is an email response I sent to Dana after she waited five weeks to respond to multiple texts, emails, and Facebook messages.  It pretty much summarizes my frustrations after reading a few sentence Facebook message.  Her response was short, strangely worded and quite accusatory.  Please note, for privacy reasons, I have left out full names.


Wales Trip
I have been anticipating hearing from you, concerned that our conversation at the hotel would be our last.  You spoke as if our friendship was over, which left me completely confused and hurt.  It was as if we were breaking up, and I was on the clueless side.  I realize that it was hard to relax when O was messing around on the bed the entire time we were trying to have a conversation over tea, but I knew as long as I was there he wouldn’t go to sleep.  I chose to leave and let you both get to sleep because you had a long journey ahead.  I have reached out to you numerous times, and wish you hadn’t distanced yourself because I have spent these last weeks wondering what I (and/or my family) did wrong.

When we initially made plans to travel to Wales as a family, we were to spend a few days with you and your family as a larger European vacation.  However, as time got closer and our financial situation became evident, it seemed that less destinations on our schedule would be better for the girls (especially Zoe) and for our pocketbook.  I also felt that P’s declining health meant time together was more important than visiting different countries.  It was about that time you suggested getting a place to stay together. I suppose it was naive on my part to not take a larger role in the planning.  I didn’t realize how far away Bluestone was from Cardiff and your home.  I thought you chose to have us all stay at another location because you felt your home wasn’t accommodating enough for the entire visit.  Therefore, I had anticipated doing day trips to castles, rather than being a part of a vacation resort and the activities there.  Like I said, I was naive.  Maybe it was also that you sent those colorful brochures with my birthday present - so many wonderful places to visit.

When you told me that we didn’t need to concern ourselves with financial obligations once we got to Wales, I was taken aback but didn’t want to offend your generosity.  You were so kind to open your home to my family, and you wanted us to simply relax.  Relaxation is something with which I am not accustomed, but was willing to give a try.  Unfortunately after the first day I felt anxious due to what I later perceived as your stress about getting everyone safely to Bluestone.  You seemed to be so worried that we were comfortable, and I don’t think you ever relaxed.  I thought P was to take Jim to a pub while we were staying at your home, but that never happened.  Thus a heart-to-heart with you was impossible with the men there.  However, how ungrateful would we have been to mention this during our visit.  After all, you did not just open your home but were financing all activities.

I felt that everything - every activity and every meal - was already planned.  I did not feel we were given choices, nor did I feel there were other choices in many cases.  Again, I did not want to seem ungrateful.  I knew how much you wanted to show us a good time there.  However, it felt as if we were visitors on your family vacation in Bluestone.  The pizza and cucumber lunch I bought and prepared with Jim was the first time I felt like I had made a decision on the entire trip.  And I felt we had offended you and your heart when I left you and O to deal with Eva and Jim to deal with Zoe.

I know you wanted to connect on a deeper level during our spa visit.  I just wanted to be with you.  You asked about what was next.  I answered with school starting and my new job.  Not far into the future like I feel you expected.  I don’t think far into the future anymore, because so many facets of my life have changed in the last 10 years.  I am not in the place I had projected many years ago, but I am happier now than I imagine if life was how I had originally planned.  Having children has changed how I look at life, and I no longer wish to plan for the future when the future is not promised.  The present is, and I was doing my best to enjoy the present with you.

What was really peculiar was how you seemed to walk on eggshells with P.  You catered to his every whim, even before he had one.  Even our spa visit felt rushed because you told him we’d be back at a certain time and we were 10 minutes late.  The arguing, talking, or whatever was happening our first night in Bluestone definitely made Jim and I feel uncomfortable.  We already felt like we were infringing on your vacation, but once that happened we really felt uncomfortable.  Then P wasn’t even there to say goodbye.  It was as if he was angry with us.  But, again, it didn’t feel like our vacation the entire visit.

I also feel sorry for Jim.  The flights and hotel were all planned by him and paid for by his job, not mine.  He only wanted a few experiences while there.  He wasn’t included in a spa option, which we would have paid for, but never given the opportunity.  Nor did he get the traditional English breakfast he had hoped.  The one at Bluestone was like getting breakfast at Denny’s.  I already mentioned the pub trip that was nonexistent.  He went along with the activities, as I did, not wanting to seem ungrateful.  Fish and chips is a famous cuisine, but I think he had hoped to see unique food options.  However, he never once complained.  Never.  He made every attempt at making it the best trip for our family, and especially for you and I.

Yes, I was very down about the deaths of two friends, one of which was a very close friend.  When Shelly took her life, my world was shattered in a million pieces.  I am still dealing with putting the pieces back in some sense of normalcy.  My depression isn’t something I can control all the time, nor is my anxiety.  Sure I am on medication, but I admit that I was homesick while in Bluestone.  I was confused by your behavior and how I perceived the time we spent together.  One minute we were laughing hysterically about driving the golf cart, and the next you seemed to be withdrawn.  However, I did my best to not let that influence my behavior.  I guess I didn’t do as good of a job as I thought.

I am so sorry that you were not able to talk to me up until now.  For I, too, want to be honest and candid with my words.  I do not regret seeing you, but I do wish our time together wasn’t so strained.  Maybe it was a case of having expectations that were never met for either of us.  I do know I love you and appreciate everything you and Phil did for my family while we were there.  I hope we can continue to talk openly and honestly with each other.

Please know my heart and prayers are with you as your Grandma ends her journey here.  I knew something was wrong, because you posted a picture of O and her the other day.  I’m so sorry, but I know she loves you.  Her age does not mean her passing is any easier.  Quite the contrary.  Having someone there your entire life and then no longer is hard to fathom.

All my love,
Michelle

Numbers Ten and Eleven - 40 @ 40

New Journeys
One of the most humbling things has happened this summer to me - getting hit upside the head by the proverbial hand regarding my Earthly calling.  I have been a struggling writer for many years now. Desperately applying for writing gigs, pretending each rejection is a step forward in the journey.  All the while having a friend beg for my help with his business, and another friend struggling with her non-profit.  Two perfect fits for me. Yet my ego continued to struggle through the thick bracken with a butter knife. So maybe rather than tying to push through a path not intended, I need to embrace the ones clearly laid for me.

iSACRA Board Member
I have very few lifelong friends.  In fact, besides my very best friend, Dana, who has been on my life journey for almost 40 years, I only have one other that has been at my side half as long.  Jahna and I met in freshman year in high school. She was sunshine in a mostly mundane day. For high school wasn't nearly as bad as elementary school had been for me, but school was never the best place for me in general. It was mostly a necessary evil. Anyway, I spent the entire time of high school knowing Jahna used a wheelchair, but I never defined her as the "wheelchair" girl. I even had the pleasure and honor of helping her get her diploma, due to the grass in which she had to wheel across. She and I continued years of friendship, through her many journeys and my own. However, a couple years ago Jahna and a group of other dedicated individuals set up a non-profit called iSACRA. It is an organization that focuses on providing information and support for those with Sacral Agenesis and/or Caudal Regression Syndrome. Jahna happens to have both. They were in need of a board member, and even though she never said I was the perfect person for the board, I knew I was.  One night I said, I want to do this.  I think she was shocked, but in all honesty it is a GREAT fit for me and my skills and gifts. If you are curious exactly what the non-profit is all about take a look - iSACRA

Dearborn School of Music
Two years ago, on the way back from Target, Evie begged me to stop at Dearborn School of Music so she could get violin lessons. We entered, with both girls barefoot...or maybe it was just Zoe. But I signed Evie up and had a great conversation with Dave, the owner. I was so excited to finally be inside the studio that all my students were talking about (well their parents). Parents were asking if I was upset regarding the new studio in town, but I never considered it a competition. I had teaching burnout, and I began sending all new students to Dearborn School of Music. I talked them up, and even invited families to come see the concerts. The studio has needed a piano teacher for a very long time, and finally Dave wore me down. And I'm super excited to start this journey after Labor Day. If you would like to check them out, goto: Dearborn School of Music (new website launches September 1st).

Realizing the Reality
I cannot pretend that I didn't write successful curricula, nor can I stop blogging, writing short stories and writing music. So it's not that I'm going to STOP writing, but just feed what is begging to grow. I shall focus on the areas that need me and my heart, and share that journey with you, my readers. Cheers!

Number Nine - 40 @ 40

Dealing with Death
Little did I know when I wrote my last blog post that I would be at a dear friend's wake on Friday. However, that is exactly what happened.  And even though this blog series is intended to be positive firsts, I believe I was able to find just that.

Shelly and I met through my piano lessons flier she found at Ford Credit.  At the time, she was not my only adult student.  However, she was my last lesson on Saturday afternoons and many times she would stay and visit afterwards.  Soon after taking lessons, she met Doug, and was immediately smitten. Jim and I had such fun going to see Doug's band and my relationship with Shelly became more of a friendship than a teacher/student one.

One of the highlights of our friendship was when Shelly asked if I would sing/play at her wedding. The morning of her wedding I found out we were expecting our second daughter, Eva. I was so sick at the wedding, but I know the music I performed was loved and appreciated. I couldn't drink at the reception, and we had to leave early because Zoe was not enjoying being put to bed by her grandparents. However, the love Shelly and Doug had for each other was reflected to beautifully on that day.

More recently Shelly and I hung out with my girls.  We most always went to Olga's for lunch and then came back to our home to watch crazy Sesame Street videos on YouTube. We had a blast listening to the different skits from our childhood, and our favorite by far was the Pinball Song.

Saying goodbye was very difficult, but it did lead to a first - recording a YouTube video of myself. I have uploaded videos of my girls playing instruments, or other family things. However, I never felt comfortable to record one of myself. I follow quite a few YouTubers who seem to be so confident when recording their videos. And I have no problem performing in public, what was so scary about YouTube? Most likely it was because I put myself out there for criticism. I hate people who are so rude and overtly unkind online. But I did it. Here are the finished results:

Number Eight - 40 @ 40

Accepting My Self

When I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder almost 8 years ago, I had already struggled for many years with panic attacks and depression.  However, when Zoe began suffering from asthma, I started getting anxious when I was doing normal every day activities, especially if I was trying to relax. I tried to put logic to my emotional state, but logic was not going to help me in this situation. I even put off getting medicine and help, because I saw it as a weakness, one that I needed to fix myself. I am self reliant.  I was raised to do things on my own, and to not ask for help.  So admitting I could not do this alone was a huge step for me.  However, I was embarrassed that I needed medicine to keep myself afloat.  I mean, what did I expect would happen with both sides of my family having either anxieties, depression or both?

It was really remarkable how much my behavior changed, for the positive, after only a few days.  I felt like a person, rather than a shell of one with outbursts and chest pains.  I couldn't believe how long I put off feeling better, and I did feel better.  Of course after a month my meds were increased, and I once again felt like a failure.  Albeit, not as much of a failure as the initial diagnosis.

However, I have recently fallen into another bout of depression these last few weeks.  I thought it was illogical, but after deep thought this weekend I can pretty much state that the depression became obvious since a neighbor passed away suddenly.  She was the mother of a little girl my two Ladybugs played with almost on a daily basis.  And I was shocked, saddened and confused.  We were not close. I spoke to her on the phone often, checking in on her daughter and asking if I could watch her longer. I didn't go to the funeral, because I physically could not convince myself to go.  It was a crazy feeling.  A feeling of being paralyzed by fear.

My brain never truly stops thinking.  I over analyze EVERYTHING, to a fault.  Logically I can state that I just had a physical, including my first mammogram, and I'm healthy - physically.  I still need blood pressure meds, but that is genetic anyway, so I guess that's going to have to stay. I'm down 40 pounds since Christmas, and I am exercising almost everyday and eating healthier than I have in a long time. But shit happens, and that is where I cannot control my thoughts and feelings.

Unless one reads my blog posts, I have a good feeling they would not know of my illnesses. There...I wrote it.  I HAVE MENTAL ILLNESSES.  People probably would have no clue. I don't have anything that physically looks abnormal. Yes, I have gained weight from the depression during Ray's illness and passing, but I'm not grossly obese or morbidly disfigured (i.e. third breast, extra leg, etc.). I have always put on a good front. Played a part - the part I'm supposed to be. Because I quickly learned in elementary school that my authentic self was not good enough. I was not good enough for people to be my friend. So I became really good at pretending. So good, in fact, I believed it for a long LONG time.

I was born a giver, and one who could feel and relieve someone of their pain and hurt. I find great joy, but also great exhaustion from this gift.  I can successfully let conversation occur without revealing my pain and hurt and emotions.  I find myself living in a protective shell, and helping others with their problems as not to deal with my own.  I have known my friend, Jahna, for 24 years now. She admits to just recently realizing I suffer from these illnesses.  Can you believe it!?  24 freaking years I have been able to love her, and give to her, and be there for her.

But this year I'm done - this year I am 40 and I'm not going to feel sorry if I can't bring myself to attend family events, or have to cancel plans because I cannot bring myself to leave the house. I may not ever be able to eliminate my body from the meds I take for depression and anxiety, but that okay. This is me - take it or leave it.

My name is Michelle, and I have depression and anxiety.

Number Seven - 40 @ 40

Getting The Boobies Smooshed
I originally did not think I would post about my first mammogram, but because my experience was so positive I feel it essential for others to read this.

Was it pain free?  Well, no - obviously not.  They are smashing your breasts between two hard, flat surfaces.  And the underarm fat/boob stuff is also part of the body that is smashed.  However, 30 seconds of pressure (twice on each side) is nothing compared to dying.  I realize that is a dramatic statement, but it is true.  It's kind of like being told if you get a shot you could avoid a disease that would hurt you and potentially kill you.  You would get the shot, even if you were deathly afraid of shots.

Now I realize that getting a mammogram isn't preventing cancer, it is simply finding if you have questionable breast cell tissue.  But once a year for a few moments of pain is much better than the unknown and even better than finding out you could have prevented years of pain.  Honestly, my fear of the unknown was quickly subsided once I got in the room.

I went to a really lovely office: Oakwood Breast Care Center.  If you live in the Dearborn area, I highly suggest having your mammogram done there.  I have had ultrasounds at the building and I had knee surgery here as well.  I also used to see a doctor for peeing myself at the same building.  It is a very lovely office space and the staff are all very kind.  Besides taking off your shirt and putting on a kimono-like wrap shit, the most amusing part is the little stickers that get put on your nipples.  They are put there for the radiologist to tell the location of the middle of your breast.  WARNING: unless you have been desensitized by years of breast feeding, the stickers pull your skin when coming off.  I assume it would hurt quite bad if I wasn't already carrying numb nipples.

I was gone for approximately an hour, which includes drive time, registration (I got a lovely hospital bracelet) and procedure itself.  I honestly did not encounter any problems, and would chose a mammogram over quite a few procedures, for instance: flu shot, having a tooth pulled, hemorrhoids, and having cramps. If you are over 40 and have never had a mammogram because you are afraid, or if your doctor has never sent you for one - BE PROACTIVE!

Number Six - 40 @ 40

Embracing My Myopic Condition

When I was 8 years old and in 3rd grade I got glasses.  It wasn't like I was the only kid with glasses, and most of my family wore glasses, but I still had no desire to wear them.  It was like giving the bullies yet another thing to use as material.  But I couldn't see the stupid blackboard, and honestly I couldn't pretend any longer.  I cared too much about my grades.

Wearing glasses when I was young was pretty much a death sentence.  Of course for those who never lived during the 70s and 80s, you would never know what I was talking about.  You have seen cool geeks and other trendsetters wear glasses.  But there are those of us who had to wear glasses that will never forget the shear ugliness.  In case you were not a child in the 70s or 80s, or if you have conveniently forgot, here are some pictures:

By 7th grade, and after a lot of persuasion and pleading, I got a pair of contacts.  Of course, they were some crazy gas permeable lenses that had to be cleaned once a week using a container that rotated them around and a little pill that would fizz and make the water appear Alka-Seltzer-like.  But it didn't matter how much effort was involved, for I refused to wear glasses EVER again in public.

Contacts became a part of my routine - and honestly I really had no problems with them.  Over the years I went from hard gas-permeable to soft to disposable.  The older I got the more expense contacts became, and being a mom made contacts a bit more annoying.  For instance, that mid-afternoon nap.  I would wake and my eyes were all cloudy and dry.  And what if I fell asleep with one of the girls, again the dry, cloudy eyes.  However, the last straw was when I couldn't see my food in front of me nor could I read while wearing contacts.  An eye doctor visit proved that I have a slight case of "old age" or in medical terms: presbyopia.  I would need bifocals, but I had the choice this year to not get them yet.

I chose to get glasses and contacts as usual.  I sincerely don't know why I got the contacts, because they were a lot of cash and the visit is always $50 more, which is NOT covered by insurance.  Quite stupid actually, but the reality of life.  I chalk it up to habit, and my vanity.  However, I took the plunge, and wore the glasses out in public.  I have been wearing glasses every day since.  I have also noticed that my old age vision is getting worse, not a ton, but enough.  I currently take my glasses off to read and many times to eat.

I could get surgery on each eye, I know that.  However, glasses don't have the stigma they once did.  I have students who wear glasses without prescription lenses even, and they do this for fashion reasons!  My Evie has a pair of Hello Kitty glasses that she wears for fun as well.  Glasses seem to be cool now, so why bother to wear contacts anymore?  Really there is no reason.

So at 40 I have accepted that glasses are a reality, and that is okay.  Maybe it is because I don't care, but maybe it is because I am more concerned about actually seeing and not how others see me.

Number Five - 40 @ 40

This is My Box

So there was this box filled with artwork and crafts from the first 7 years of my education.  My mom had saved memories and then stored them in the attic with a myriad of other "stuff".  The box sat in my dinning room/homeschool room for over a month.  Each day I would walk passed it more times than I can count, and each day I told myself I will get to it.  I really cannot express the anxiety I felt when I looked at it.  It was potentially filled with memories where I didn't want to emotionally travel. I am not suggesting that the box would have letters from bullies, and diary entries that described heartache.  However, I was convinced the box would require if not one, two, bottles of wine.

On Mother's Day I found myself curious as to the contents of my box.  Maybe there would be sweet drawings from a little girl to her Mommy.  So I pulled the box into our living room (bad mistake because some blue paint came off artwork and stained the carpet) and began to remove items one at a time.

To my surprise, I really enjoyed looking back at the artwork I had made.  The only things in the box I recognized were a couple reports I did in 6th grade - Francisco Coronado and Louis Leaky.  I worked very hard on both, and never forgot all the effort spent at the library getting information (which I was a wiz at because I aced the library card catalog unit) and making copies on the copy machine (which I learned how to use because I was the lunch helper in the school office).  I realized that in the midst of the hell experienced by my piers, I did learn valuable life skills I still use today (that is except the card catalog, which lets be honest, we didn't see the Internet coming, did we?).

Here are a few of the items I found in my box:

One of the more amusing elements of having the box in my dining room was that each time I passed it I sang "This is my box, This is my box..." from Amahl and the Night Visitors.  This little gem was introduced to me in 12th Grade Music Humanities (oh how I wish they never eliminated the program at my high school).  I remember it so well that the Ladybugs and I watched it on YouTube before Christmas.

(start at 2:37 if you want to hear just the box song)

Number Four - 40 @ 40

If you want to view all posts, goto: 40 @ 40

I do not like birds.  I don't mind looking at birds, or having one perch on my arm.  But dive bombing, like in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, is so not my cup of tea.

Maybe it is just the whole flying and landing on me and pecking at me.  Not completely sure what exactly is the bottom line.  However, going into a room where birds are flying at me is not something I ever EVER wanted to do. 

Last summer at the Renaissance Festival, Evie wanted to go into a parakeet house with a stick of bird food.  Thankfully she didn't need to be in there with an adult, because I told her I would NOT be coming inside with her.  However, this past weekend the Ladybugs and I were at Kalahari.  For those who don't know what that is, Kalahari is a water/theme park.  One of the attractions was an outdoor Safari.  If getting up close and personal wasn't enough, we could pay to feed the animals.  One of the animal attractions was hundreds and hundreds of parakeets in a caged area.  They called this getting up close and personal with the parakeets.  However, unlike the parakeet attraction at the Renaissance Festival the adult HAD to accompany the child under 12.  Cue sweat glands and heart palpitations. My mother flat out refused.  So it was my opportunity to face this irrational fear of mine.

There were two doors between the main area and the caged parakeets.  Evie and I got in the first caged area. Then as I was gingerly opening the second door, some of the parakeets escaped and I barely got in. Evie is still between the two doors at this point, and my mom and Zoe were in the main area. I was now stuck in this main are with hundreds and hundreds of hungry parakeets. Here is a very unflattering picture of what I looked like:

Zoe got the zookeeper and he helped us with the parakeets.  Evie came in with me and it seemed that I took control of the situation. She was thrilled.  And I...I was soaking wet in sweat, but quite proud that I was able to successfully face this fear.

Number Three - 40 @ 40

If you want to view all posts in this series goto: 40 @ 40

I have been teaching private piano lessons for over 22 years and voice almost as long.  I have been looking for something to do in a related field, but different all together as well.  In walked OnGuard Essential Oil.

Okay, the bottle itself didn't walk in by itself, my sister, Kelly, introduced it to me one day in January.  She had me put the oil on my wrist, just a couple drops.  For the rest of the day I felt better. Maybe it was psychosomatic, but the aromatic blend seemed to be perfect for my emotional being. I told her to get me a jar for myself. I quickly began using the oil in boiling water on the stove top, as a spray, and then on my face.  Yes, my face.

I have had such issues the last couple of years with acne.  I know that my eating habits contributed to problem skin, but I also knew that as I have aged my skin care needs are different.  I saw a dermatologist about 8 years ago, but the chemicals he told me to put on my skin were not sun or children friendly.  I couldn't put my skin next to the skin of my babies, and THAT was not cool.  Sure the pimples went away, but it wasn't permanent.  I suppose I wasn't looking for a miracle, but something more natural was what I was hoping for.

Last summer I tried coconut oil, extra virgin and organic.  I read how it could improve my skin.  At first, it did.  I was so excited.  Then my skin was worse than before.  It was a mess.  I decided to return to a basic routine that did not include expensive soaps or creams: Witch Hazel Blog  I still use coconut oil for cooking, and I use it on my body as well.  It is wonderful if you mix sugar with it for a pre-shaving sugar scrub.

So at this point I was using just witch hazel.  Nothing else.  My skin started to heal somewhat, but I needed to use some kind of additional help. I had dry patches where the skin was healing.  I used lavender oil, and that was very soothing.  I used tea tree oil, which was good at killing the bacteria that was covering my face.  However, when I started using OnGuard, something miraculous happened.  I thought if I can get rid of this crap on my face I will sell the product(s).  At the same time, I was given an oil composition from Aveda - Beautifying Composition.  I use the OnGuard after the "wash" with witch hazel.  Then I put the Beautifying oil all over my face.

I don't plan on selling Aveda, but I do believe their products are high quality.  The above has the following ingredients:
organic soybean oil
organic olive oil
organic safflower oil
organic lavender (calming and relaxing)
rosemary  (muscle aches and pains)
bergamot (calming)
However, could I sell this OnGuard stuff?

Back when my sister gave me the wrist drops of OnGuard, we talked about how we have never heard of doTERRA before, and there should be home parties like Tupperware or PartyLite.  OMG!  I used to be obsessed with PartyLite.  I love candles, but now I have a friend who makes soy candles that don't bother my allergies and such.  How different 15 years make.  My search for a local doTERRA person ended with me realizing no one in the Dearborn area sell it.  So I decided, why don't I sell it?!

In my 40 years, I have been asked to become a consultant with Tupperware Parties, PartyLite, Jamberry, ThirtyOne, Jafra, Pampered Chef, Quixstar,Avon, Lia Sophia, Purse Party,Scentsy,Tastefully Simple, and Mary Kay.  I think because I have a really honest and fun personality when I go to these parties.  I have never sold anything before.  That is unless you count children's overpriced clothing at Crowley's for three months in high school, food at the Eagle Tavern in Greenfield Village and myself as a teacher. Which I guess says something about how I believe the quality of oils doTERRA.  It is not that I don't think essential oils from another company is not good, but there is a lot to be said for quality of oils.

So if you are at all interested in finding out more information (I'm still learning, but I can help) or buying more product please visit my doTERRA site: MichelleMartin40

Number Two - 40 @ 40

Piercings Before 40

When I was a little girl, I pretty much begged to get my ears pierced daily.  My mom was quite protective, and finally (after wearing her down) she took me to get my ears pierced when I was 8. I remember getting them, even though that was 30 years ago.  I remember that there was only one girl working that day, and they like to do both ears at once.  So, I'm sure you can image how straight (not) the woman was able to pierce.  Regardless, I remember being so proud of myself.  I remember getting the second hole piercing in 7th grade. I had been bugging my mom, but my dad took me instead. He said that all the girls at his school had the second hole. My mom wasn't pleased, but I got the holes anyway.  Years later I got a third hole in each ear and a fourth in the left.  When Jim and I first started dating I also got my left ear cartilage pierced. It really didn't hurt much at all.

Even though I liked the many holes, by about 25 I started taking the fourth and then third earrings out. I felt that the many holes were not business like. I laugh at this thought now.  So for many years now I had five earring holes in which I wear simple studs and sometimes a hanging one in the bottom holes.  

First Body Piercing

I wanted to get my eyebrow pierced for quite sometime.  I thought it would be edgy and different. However, a friend of mine told me not to bother because the hairs never grow back if you want to remove the piercing. However, for the last six years I wanted to get my nose pierced. I would have got the piercing earlier, but Jim seemed put off by it. I didn't want him to be grossed out with my appearance. But the closer 40 came, the more I realized that I desperately wanted to get one and didn't really care if it wasn't Jim's cup of tea. I'm not suggesting I don't care what he thinks of me, but I figure it has been 14 years and he hasn't left yet. A nose piercing wasn't going to change my looks in my opinion, so I told him that I wanted to get it done on my birthday.

So, I did.  It was quite an experience. The thing is, it was unlike any of my other piercings. I was relaxed, and pretty much not nervous. After all, I've had two vaginal births without pain meds, and 7 ear piercings. However, it was like what I imagine getting shot feels like. Of course, after the initial "pop" and my eye watering afterwards, there was zero pain or side effects. I did feel nauseous for about 20 minutes, but it was more an adrenaline high.  

I am very pleased at how well it has healed. Of course, I clean it a couple times a day and I take very good care of my skin so it isn't going to get forgotten. I still forget it is there sometimes, but pretty much I am pleased with it.

I posted a recent selfie on Saturday, and clearly the piercing was there. However, not one person said anything. Only 2 out of 20 students mentioned it, and I never mentioned it on social media. I wanted to just have it be part of me, not a big production. If you missed the selfie - here it is: