For over a month I have been mulling over this question. As many of my readers know, I was bullied as a child and young adult. And two years ago, I experienced adult bullying as well as the bullying of my oldest daughter, Zoe. So I suppose you can say I'm not inexperienced when it comes to bullying.
However, what if a family member feels it necessary to address an issue? What if that issue is weight, or your decision to homeschool, or your choice in spouse, or your decision to adopt, or your decision to move? Is there a right way to present the concern? I believe there most certainly is. But what if my beliefs on this matter are a direct result of my past? What if I'm just too damn sensitive? This has been weighing on me (no pun intended) for over six weeks.
Thirty Years Removed
This year I turn 40. This seems so big to me. I cannot tell you why exactly, but it is a case of what I thought I would experience by 40. I don't necessarily feel that my choice to have babies and put my family first in my 30's was a bad choice, but I'm definitely in a different place than I imagined. Different bad? Nah, just different. The little girl of yesterday is still inside of me, but I have grown and accepted my past for what it is worth: the past. However, I have not forgotten the laughter and judgmental comments spewed across the classroom; especially at recess and Girl Scouts. I have forgiven those children involved, but I wonder if those bullying memories have made me less accepting and more sensitive to bullying behaviors now.
I think it is difficult to be objective when it comes to emotional scaring. It is also so difficult to prove. What if my experiences are simply my perspective on what was happening. What if I am using the word "bullying" when in fact that isn't at all what is happening. I have challenged friends before regarding the way bullying it taught in schools today. The word "bully" is now in the vernacular of children, and can be thrown around without much thought. However, I believe if the child feels comfortable to start dialogue with a teacher or other adult, the countless over-dramatic children seem to be worth the effort.
Grief
Everyone deals with grief differently, and I truly believe no one way is perfect. For those who felt I should be "over it" after Ray's memorial, I simply shook my head in disbelief. If you are reading this and you have suffered a loss and are still getting "over it" that is okay. Please know you are not alone, and there is no exact science to when you'll be "over it." Therefore, food became my comfort, and I must admit I am housing more weight than ever before. Well, not exactly, because I have lost since January, but you know where I'm going with this. I'm not proud of this, but I certainly do not need to be judged by my body either. In all honesty, I would much prefer to be challenged or bullied about pretty much any other topic related to my choices, but weight is just too personal to me and my inner-world.
I live inside my head most of the time. For many of my friends and family, this may seem surprising to some. I can be quite open and talkative to be around, and I can be silly and spontaneous. This doesn't mean I am an extrovert. In fact, I am not. I honestly think too much about everything and everyone - well after and much more than I think I should at times. I am also what I refer to as a sensitive, not behaving in a sensitive way (which maybe I am too...). I feel what others are feeling, and oftentimes internalize their emotions. As I have aged, my ability to feel what others feel is only stronger. I can feel over an email, a text, a phone conversation. However, when I was grieving the loss of Ray last year, I was also grieving for my mother, my children, and our family. I was not concerned with my body or health.
Words
I could go into explaining how words are simply that: words. How actions speak louder, and all that jive. But the truth is: words hurt. Regardless of their intent, words spoken hang over us like cartoon balloons. Whether there is heartfelt concern over another person, I believe there could be tact in the situation. In fact, I appreciate concern. I just felt slapped in the face. Yes, time has passed, but my initial reaction is still hanging there...concerning me. Maybe I overreacted, but I don't think I did. At the time, I felt others pressuring me to just move forward and ignore the comments; because the source was not in the right frame of mind. But the thing is, I don't believe that behavior gets to be excused. I have since accepted an apology, but the words will continue to reflect my feelings toward the person. I will continue to work through that, but I have never been super good at forgetting.
I'm not one to watch the Oscar's. In fact, I believe Hollyweird is pretty much not something I care to spend my free time viewing. That being said, I wish a young Michelle had heard the words from Graham Moore last night:
