That's All I Want

In the sermon this morning, our pastor spoke about Jesus the shepherd and Psalm 23.  For those who don't know this psalm:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

This is a song from David's heart.  David, as we know, was the boy who slayed the giant, Goliath.  There are a lot of verses from David's songwriting heart, but I believe this one to be the most known.  However, do we really believe we could just have our GOD and nothing else?

I want.  I admit it.  I do not want a bigger house, nor a better car.  So what do I want?

I want to lose weight.  I want a pain-free knee.  I want happy and healthy ladybugs.  I want a loving marriage.

The point is, can I say, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want," like the little girl in the Robert Ketchum story?

Tomorrow starts the third phase of my new program - which is the Digest Diet if you are interested.  I definitely feel better, and today my pants fit better (I will weigh myself tomorrow for the official 2 week #).  But the truth is: what makes THIS time different?

Ten years ago, I lost 60 pounds on Weight Watchers.  I kept it off until I got pregnant with Zoe.  When Zoe was a year old I lost the baby weight by eating good and walking.  When I got pregnant with Evie I lost weight in the beginning.  Seriously!  After she was born, I lost it all using WW again.  So what happened?  My motivation.  I slowly ate my way to a number that is higher than before.  Last August I had a trainer, but like I stated before, I just didn't feel like her workouts were for me.  At first it worked, but long-term was not happening.  Anyway...that brings us to today.

What makes this time any different?  Really, what is different?  Nothing.  Absolutely NOTHING.  So what do I need to do?  I don't know.  I suppose baby steps is essential.  And maybe it is simply being happy with who and what I am - rather than focusing on the vast amount of weight I need to lose.

Ever notice that when you are over a certain amount (more than 50 pounds, more than $1000 in debt, more than 150% underwater on your home, etc.) it just seems impossible to make a dent in the overall number?  I am really good with our finances.  This year I am diligently retooling our finances.  I'm hoping by 2013 to start on bring down our HELOC.  I think what makes our finances delicate is our commitment to private education for our ladybugs.  That extra money each month would more than pay off our debt, and even afford us the ability to take the girls to Disney or some other cool place.

And being 100 pounds over the weight I should be is very overwhelming.  It's almost like - what is another 10 pounds?  20 pounds?  What the heck, I'm fat anyway.

What do you want?

One Size (Does NOT) Fit All

I just started week two of my new program to health this morning.  I am down a little over 7 pounds, and I feel like I can do this.  Believe me, I know this is only the beginning.  With the success of one week completed, I'm noticing people giving their opinions on my choices.  Like getting married, having a baby, choosing a college or how to parent; changing a diet seems to bring out the crazies and their not so humble opinions.

For instance, the other day on Facebook, my dear friend Shelly posted that she was starting a detox in May and she was very excited.  She is under the care of a renowned holistic doctor, and I was super excited for her.  Her detox appears to be a program to get your body off sugars and refined crap.  Of course, I did post that she is excited now because she wasn't in the thick of it.  Jim and I were so flax-seeded out by that point I couldn't even imagine another flavor of food.  Of course, my comment wasn't the only one that day.  One friend of hers claimed that Weight Watchers is the only tried and true long-term diet and lifestyle solution.  Another friend claimed that Shelly was not knowledgeable enough to know what was a good diet and what was just a fad.  He also suggested that holistic doctors are quacks.  I got really angry at this guy.

Does one size fit all?  Of course not!  Does one way of parenting work for everyone?  Nope!  Then does one kind of diet work for everyone?  No, people!

What made this second friend so interesting was that he looks to be over 300 pounds from his profile picture.  Now, I'm not judging his ability to be a friend, of course his responses to Shelly's intelligence was a bit questionable.  However, what I am curious about is his expert knowledge about what is healthy.  Of course having knowledge and putting to use are two separate things completely.  Look at me.  Regardless, this MY WAY WORKS BEST CRAP made me really curious if that is even possible.  Can there be ONE method to a trimmer, slimmer and healthier body?

I honestly don't think it is possible to have one program fix every person's health issues.  I am allergic to shell fish, does this mean I should do a diet that stresses the importance of shell fish?  And what if you are a person who cannot handle lactic acid?  Should you do daily just because WW says it is essential for weight loss?

One of my biggest problems with diets (especially WW and Hungry Girl recipes) is the need to replace sweetness and savory with low fat (or no fat) and fake sweeteners.  Fake sweeteners give me migraines.  This is really a PAIN, because even sugar free gum (which would be better than crewing sugar with 37 year old teeth) has the lovely ability to make me sick.  I have also developed an allergy to shellfish (which was why I was in Urgent Care on my 36th Birthday).  There are shellfish in the current program that Jim and I are on, however, I did ask for a substitute product for shrimp (the popular shellfish to use) and I received a quick response.  So at least I was able to make this diet work for my needs.

Many diets support using microwave meals and/or prepackaged foods - which contain a lot of added sodium and the like.  I personally don't need the extra stuff, considering I have hypertension.  So a diet that recommends products like flavored yogurt with fake sugars, and baking with sugar substitute is NOT going to cut it for me.  Nor is a diet that doesn't have tasty food in it.  Rice cakes and celery is NOT my idea of a lifelong healthy style of living.

I have had weight issues my entire life.  Of course I only wish I could be 120 pounds like I was in 6th grade.  However, when the average girl was not quite 100 pounds and measured 6 inches smaller than me, I really looked like a giant, fat kid.  I also don't think it helped that I was bullied by these tiny girls who seemed to have all the boys.  I developed a pretty bad concept of food and beauty: thin = beautiful = desirable = what I want to be.

I am not entirely sure why I wasn't able to stay on WW when I got on it after having Evie.  But I truly believe it was WW open plan to dessert (fake sugared desserts) and sodium snacks that had me on a roller coaster of hunger and resent.

I cannot say if this plan will be the IT I am looking for, but I definitely know that cerebrally it makes sense.  Just hope I can get my emotions in tact.

Do I really Need a Vacation?

Today I flipped open to another random page in the Daily Spark.  Topic 173 is:

I Need a Vacation
The University of the Bahamas has named you one of three finalists for a full scholarship to its College of Vacation and Relaxation Sciences.  The winner of the scholarship will be chosen by a review board that will read an essay from each of the three finalists.  The essay must start with the sentence, I deserve the scholarship because... Write this essay for the review board.

You would think, reader, that a topic such as this would be a delightful one in which to compose an essay.  I just had a deep conversation about "getting away" with my husband, Jim, last weekend.  What brought on this conversation you ask?  Well, it just so happens that my dear friend, Fairy Tale Mama, went on a little respite last weekend.  It was a welcome surprise from her husband, and it definitely got me thinking about the possibility of trading places at that moment.

However, as much as I feel the need to escape sometimes, I don't wish to do it alone.  I know this probably sounds insane, coming from a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom), but I think I'd rather run off somewhere WITH my husband (minus the ladybugs).  Since Evie has started full-time school on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I am a MUCH more relaxed Mommy.  Having that time to get things done around my home (i.e. laundry, dishes, bills, etc) ALONE, makes all the difference.

I recently changed my teaching schedule, and that has ALSO made a huge difference in how I spend my time.  I am no longer running home from picking up the ladybugs from school to teach for 4 hours, nor am I teaching ALL day on Saturday.  Spreading the teaching up into 4 days has really been the brilliant idea I needed.  And, just this week I made the decision to raise my tuition rates this fall.  I put together packages of information for my families, which include: an explanation letter, a brief bio of my qualifications, and a new procedures document to sign.  On the encouragement of my dear friend, Dana, I also have added an incentive for signing up early (i.e. May) for fall lessons.  Each family will receive a $25 voucher off tuition to be used at any point during the school year (September 2012 - May 2013).

Making these changes has taken quite a lot of thought and prayer.  I have also spent a lot of time composing the needed documents and creating the files necessary to accomplish goal.  But the rewards are going to be stellar, so I cannot wait.  I have also made peace with the idea that maybe I will not have all my students return to lessons in the fall.  I hope this doesn't happen, but I know that a small increase in tuition can sometimes be what deters people from continuing lessons.

Now onto renegotiating my finances and writing that best seller about Bonnie! :)

I suppose with time we will see what happens.

Starting Here Starting Now

I haven't blogged in awhile regarding my journey to healthy living.  It's not because I forgot to mention it, or it slipped my mind.  The truth is: I became very bitter about the location I was taking classes.

When I started the journey last August 1st, I was very motivated.  I started with a personal trainer and she worked my butt off that first day.  I bought a package (not cheap I might add) of time with her.  After 10 sessions with her, I definitely noticed a change.  However, she never really discussed nutrition, nor healthy eating habits, nor what classes I should take to maintain and continue her efforts so far.  This, my dear reader, definitely peeved me; because I can read a diet book and I can blindly take exercise classes, but what I needed was a teacher.

This journey was never a cerebral one.  I am quite intelligent (*snicker*), and I can see what works and what does not.  In fact, I am still getting comments on a post regarding Weight Watchers.  It is not that I posed false information, but I laugh because if I am so SMART why am I still 100 pounds overweight.  Oh yeah...I love food.

I have done a lot of soul searching lately.  Looking at what I really want to be doing with my life - that is outside of being a wife and mother.  I am still on 10mg of Paxil a day (down still from the 20mg of last year), but I have added a blood pressure pill to the mix.  At 37 I cannot say I have great health, and I'm really not certain I could say I have good health either.  What does this say as a role model?

Okay.  So enough bashing.  I love food.  I don't love being overweight.  I do want to be healthier.  I need to do something.

Jim and I started a new program on Monday.  It is called The Digest Diet.  It is from the editor of Readers Digest, and it is very close to the same food thoughts as This is Why You're Fat, which was the book I read last summer.  However, there is a big difference in the motivation behind the books: The Digest Diet focuses on health and emotional well-being, whereas This is Why You're Fat encourages the reader to become as ripped as its author.

So I'm in day #3, and I have to say I'm not dying the way I thought I would.  The first 4 days are very sparse in the food department.  However, I am proud that I am able to eat exactly what is prescribed.  And I believe this diet to be a prescription to good health, not just a fad diet.  I need something dramatic to kick me into gear.  I cannot rely on a trainer to teach me to eat right and then not wonder why I haven't shown up to classes since January.  I need to take responsibility for my health, and turn this cycle upside down.

On another note - I sent three manuscripts out today.  One was The Tra La La Tree and the other two were The Silver Frog.  I sincerely hope someone picks up one of my ideas.  However, I have decided on a non-fiction topic as my next work: My Relationship with Bonnie.

A Terrible Loss

I decided to flip through the Daily Spark and see what popped out at me.  I thought it would be fun to imagine myself as a character in high school and a possession that would be rather quirky.  Here is #69's topic:

A Terrible Loss
Imagine that you've lost your most precious and prized possession.  Write one paragraph about what the item was, and why is was special to you; a second paragraph about how you lost the item; and a third paragraph about how you felt when you realized the item was missing.

I am almost embarrassed to admit my most precious and prized possession.  Most guys my age would probably think my choice to be odd and a bit feminine in nature.  But, I must come clean and tell you that my most prized possession is a tiny blue and white striped t-shirt that my baby brother wore.  If I ever need to remember what he smelled like, or what it felt like to have him near, I simply inhale the sweet fragrance of the fabric and I'm transported to a much happier time.  A time when my parents were married.  A time when there was laughter in the house.  A time when I wasn't an only child.  A time when nothing bad could happen.

When I woke up this morning I put the shirt inside my backpack - the same way I do every morning.  It stays folded at the bottom of the backpack until I get home (or unless I need to visit my locker between classes to forget about the my monstrously insane day).  I put my myriad of books and notebooks on top of the shirt, zipped the pack together and threw it over my shoulder.  The walk to school was the same as always: uneventful.  I saw the same people I always do, waved to my buddy Pete, and entered the school when the bell rang.  I walked slowly to my locker (the quicker you walk the quicker school begins), hung my backpack and hoodie inside, grabbed my books, and went to my first class.

It was during lunchtime when I first noticed the shirt was missing.  I was making a quick stop at my locker to switch my morning books for the afternoon ones.  I wanted to have a pure moment without judgement, and so I reached to the bottom of my backpack.  I couldn't feel the shirt, so I pulled the pack off its hook and began searching the contents.  The only things inside were a pencil, crumbs from a cookie I ate maybe a week ago, and a candy wrapper.  I then searched the interior and exterior pockets, because maybe in my rush to get ready I mistakenly stuck the t-shirt in the wrong place.  Nothing.  I could not breath, and I heard an animal-like sound that was coming from the background.  People began crowding around me and pointing to me and my mess outside the locker.  A few moments later I realized the primal sound was coming from me.  Then the world went black.

Belle and Sebastian vs. Creed

Today's topic from the Daily Spark is:

Belle and Sebastian vs. Creed

Write two paragraphs contrasting your favorite band or musician with your least favorite band or musician.

I must admit - I don't really find the above to be a stimulating creative writing topic.  Why?  Because I really don't dislike a band enough to write a few clever "trash talk" sentences, and how said band does not measure up to my listening standards.  And, yes, there is another thing; the amount of time I have to listen to my own music choices is very small.  You see reader, 49% of the time I listen to kid-directed music.  The ladybugs have heir favorites: Laurie Berkner, The Beatles, Christian worship and/or Papa Tom music (my father's obsessive collection of his recorded covers).  The other 49% of the time I listen to student-directed music.  Fur Elise and Cannon in D used to be favorites of mine, however, they have become just another melody I have to hear wrong over and over and over again. 

I'm not saying I don't like listening to these music choices, I'm simply stating that when I get my 2% opportunity I'm usually listening to a variety of songs by a variety of eclectic artists.  

Recently I was a presenter at Career Day at the Ladybugs' school.  As a music professional, I made certain to illustrate the passions and pitfalls encountered with this career choice.  I also challenged students to listen to music they've never heard before.  I encouraged them to go to a concert, see a Broadway show or even an opera on stage.  Reach outside your music comfort zone to experience other genres.  In my opinion, a true musician must have infinite respect and admiration for all forms of the expression.

This brings me back to the topic above.  If I don't have just one favorite group or band, who do I enjoy?  My likes are, but are not limited to, She & Him, The Saltines, Bread, Carol King, Ella Fitzgerald, The Beatles, Audra McDonald, Led Zeppelin, ABBA, The Carpenters, Jewel, Michael Jackson, and the Black Keys.

Who are is/are your favorite(s)?

You're Not Supposed to Say That

Here is another entry a'la Daily Spark:

You're Not Supposed to Say That
When we're talking, we say suppose to, instead of the grammatically correct supposed to.  But suppose to is a made-up phrase.  To burn this rule into your brain, write four sentences that use supposed to.  

Write one sentence about pit bulls, one sentence about politicians, one sentence about protractors, and one sentence about pears.

1) Due to negative media, we are supposed to believe that pit bulls are vicious dogs when they can be really wonderful pets.

2) I think most people believe that politicians are supposed to lie, which probably explains why most of the people running this country have questionable moral characters.

3) A protractor is supposed to measure angles, but I like to use mine as a guide to draw half circles.

4) According to Maggie, a character in the movie City of Angels, a pear is supposed to taste, " Sweet, juicy, soft on your tongue, grainy like a sugary sand that dissolves in your mouth."