Accepting Help

From the Beginning 
My daughter, Zoe, has always shown some form of anxiety.  Even early on, one could view her issues through her troubles with sleep and separation.  First, there was the breast feeding until sleep.  This pretty much began co-sleeping, due to Zoe's need to be next to me all the time.  Then, I vividly remember the long car rides on the freeway which ultimately lulled Zoe to sleep.  I could no longer breast feed her, because I was pregnant with Eva and nursing was extremely painful.  After months of driving her to sleep, we made Zoe's room into a big girl room.  But prior to just laying next to her, Jim would walk her, and all the while she cried not wanting to go to sleep.  Then there were the bargaining nights: "If you go to sleep real quick you'll get a surprise in the morning!"

I tried to implore different solutions from books: The No-Cry Sleep Solution, Baby Wearing, etc.  However, one thing we always adhered to was a bedtime routine.  Our girls were always ready for bed by 8pm for stories and songs (me singing).  It was after lights were out that Zoe struggled with finishing the process alone.  

Zoe also had a very difficult time staying with a babysitter.  And going to Preschool was quite challenging.  However, we told ourselves "this too shall pass" and it did.  Each year brought different/new stress-filled Zoeisms.  A couple years ago she would say, "[fill in the blank] touched [fill in the blank]."  And would want a response that would put her mind at ease.  I blamed myself for always making sure her hands were clean, so she didn't get sick.  I supposed once you have witnessed your child turning blue because she cannot breathe (when Zoe was 2 1/2 she suffered her first asthma attack), you will do whatever you can to stop it from occurring again.

After awhile, her catch phrase was, "Something touched something." To which we were to respond, "You are fine, Zoe."  Last year Zoe would blow on herself when she was nervous.  She was really good at hiding it, but I always knew when she was nervous.  However, this school year she seems to be at an all time anxiety high.

Asking For Help
For the longest time I associated asking for help with weakness.  I have spent the last couple of months trying different methods with Zoe.  We have established that Melatonin before bed works wonders with her sleep anxiety.  We have also added Natural Calm with breakfast.  I always told myself that until her anxiety affected her school I would let things run its course.  Zoe is still an A student, but she no longer approaches "fun" activities with gusto.  After 4 years of ballet, she just didn't find the class to be worth the stomach ache before.  I had told her that until I paid the deposit for the spring recital costume, she was able to determine whether or not to continue.

However, she did decide to stay in baton (which is a new class for both her and Evie this fall).  She told me the stomach ache is worth it in the end.  This is hopeful as her mother.  I also will never force my children to participate in activities that they don't enjoy.  After all, school is essential (whether they like it or not) and the girls must go to school.  Therefore, they should get a choice for the fun classes.  Zoe has also returned to piano this summer.  She is much easier to teach than she was a couple years ago.  So I am teaching her myself rather than finding another qualified teacher.

After much thought, I really think Zoe would benefit with speaking to someone who could assist in getting appropriate coping mechanisms.  I prayed and meditated and made my decision to call a Dr. to whom our dear friend, Jill, recommended.  Jill, is a doctor of psychology herself, and works once a week at Dr. Laura Hutchison's office.  This is a huge step for me, reader.  I suppose logically I know that I didn't MAKE Zoe anxious, but because I suffer from anxiety I blame my genes for making her anxious.  I know, I know, ridiculous.  But it is the reality of life.  Wish me luck on this journey to help my beautiful, Zoe.

A Final Thought
I realize that when I write blogs that are personal, I am inviting comments especially negative ones.  I'm sure some will judge how I handled Zoe as a toddler, and some will assume I am a bad mother for letting my child "quit" an activity.  And I suppose at this point I really don't care.  Writing this is confirmation of my struggles and trials as a mother, and maybe, just maybe, it will touch another mom's life and give her permission to feel normal.

I Believe in A Higher Power

or Why Do People Assume I'm a Christian?

A few weeks ago, I was asked to write a musing about perception of faith.  I have been contemplating how I would even begin such a challenge, but I definitely was excited to take the challenge.

Rooted in Youth
I always believed most children grow up and become an adaptation of what their parents are/were.  So basically if a child is raised Christian, he will grow up to become a Christian.  Said child could change denominations (i.e. Baptist to Methodist or Catholic to Lutheran), but essentially the child will continue in the traditions set by parents.

However, as I have spoken to many adults I have realized that even though many continue in the faith of their fathers, others journey elsewhere looking for something different.  And even though many claim to have no faith, or practice religion, many believe in a higher power: God.

Then Why the Assumption?
Most people perceive others as believing what they do.  I know I personally assume those around me look at the world the same way I do, or at least those to whom I surround myself.  Of course it is always very eye opening when reading a status message on Facebook how little I am often correct with those assumptions.  And it is not always such a simple line that delineates what I believe and that others are in opposition.

I also believe people inherently want to be accepted and want others to agree with their beliefs and essentially who they are inside.  As a mother I continuously go through doubt when it comes to my children.  I think as a Mom it is hard to always remain confident to the choices you make.

I remember when I was pregnant with Zoe.  Everything was so new.  I had experienced a miscarriage only a few months earlier, and yet now I was in the thick of deciding what I needed/wanted for my baby.  Would I be breast or bottle feeding?  Would I use cloth or disposable diapers?  Would I use a crib or co-sleep?  And the opinions were everywhere I went.  Every mom felt it her duty to tell me what was the correct way.  I had so much information thrown at me I became very overwhelmed.

I clearly recall this one afternoon when I was about 8 months pregnant with Zoe.  Our friend, Dave, was over helping Jim create a bathroom in the basement for my music studio.  I had just got off the phone with my sister after a conversation regarding cloth diapers.  She used them for my niece and was encouraging me to purchase a very large amount from a friend of hers who was selling them.  I felt so pressured at the time.  I didn't know what I wanted to do.  I went into the basement and began crying.  My friend, Dave, said something along the lines of, "What do you care?  Just do what works for you."  This was coming from an experienced father and a very intelligent man.  I remember completely changing the way I thought about motherhood at that point and started to enjoy it.

Bullying Into Belief
I still cannot believe the amount of pressures a parent has in this society.  Our choice to send our ladybugs to a private Christian school got looks from many others (including members of our family).  I think it had a lot to do with the fact I have always believed in faith with an open mind.  I am not what many would consider a traditional Christian woman - at least in the Titus 2 viewpoint.  But my conviction in the teachings of Jesus push me forward into a belief of loving all others.

I was bullied as a child and teen, but I believe some of the worst bullying comes as a parent.  I feel many Christians are lumped into an Evangelical-based bias, and not truly embracing the love and acceptance to which Jesus lived his life.  I do not worry what others think as much anymore, but I cannot completely admit I don't care at all.  I do.

The thing I loath the most about being a Christian is how unChristlike many self-proclaimed Christians act.  If we are all created by God, we are all His children.  And here is the kicker: EVEN THE ONES WHO ARE NOT CHRISTIAN!

Perception Once Again Is The Answer
It seems like such a cop-out, but the truth is our perception fogs how we treat others.  We assume other believe what we believe.  Therefore, if we are Christian and someone we meet is spiritual and believes in God we incorrectly assume they are a Christian as well.  Assumption is never the way one should deal with others, but unfortunately as humans we behave in many illogical ways.

Do where does this leave us?  Pretty much with a perfect opportunity to begin treating others without the blinders of perception and inherent beliefs.  Delighting in others love for each other, and not worrying or concerning oneself for what or whatnot that person believes.  Does it matter if you are a Christian and your friend is Islam?  Is it okay if you believe Jesus died for your sins, but your friend doesn't believe the Messiah has come?  Is it okay to find comfort in a church family, but have a friend who does not attend a place of worship?

I believe the answer is: YES.  Emphatically, yes!  Because we are love, we were creating in love, and the love we show and share with others ultimately defines us.  I sincerely hope that after reading this blog post some of my more narrow-minded readers might rethink how they treat others and how they perceive others to believe.

The Credit Card Fiasco

I originally blogged about this in Happy Mistakes, but so much has happened since it is comical.

Jim and I met at the credit union on Friday, September 28th, to sign paper work and whatnot.  Thankfully the member service representative confirmed with the loan specialist if anything was missing.  Jim officially became a member, and my desire to get an increase on our credit card went through.  We were told the card would come in about a week.

This new credit card would replace the old credit card.  Said card was in my name and only had Jim as a signer.  New card would have a higher limit (only by $500) and thus become a jointly owned card.  I was also informed that when the cards came I was to call the number on them and immediately the old card would be deactivated and the new card would have all previous transactions on it.  Seemed easy, right?

The cards came on Tuesday of this week, which was convenient because I needed to make a payment.  I opened the envelope, pulled out the paperwork, and called the number on the little sticker attached to the cards.  I then went online to make a payment to the account.  The old account was still there, but I thought maybe I had to add the new card number.  So I did.  And sure enough I saw the new limit, but there were no charges or transactions.  I then looked back at the other card number, and nothing had changed.  So essentially I had two lines of credit.

I phoned the credit union and had to tell my entire story to members service representative number 5.  As you remember it took 3 calls to get the woman who told us we needed to sign paperwork.  Number 4 was the woman at the credit union.  So this means I was on number 5.  Number 5 called the credit card department and finally came back to tell me that I had not activated the card.  I insisted I had, but hung up and called the activation number again.  As I suspected, the automated number informed me that the card had already been activated.  I know, right?

So I called the credit union again, and got the same representative.  I was relieved that I didn't need to tell my story AGAIN.  However, I was put on hold, for the nth time.  When the representative returned I was informed the credit department activated the card for me (I guess something was amiss), but it would take 24 hours to have the account information switch.  I started hysterically laughing.  Why?  Because honestly, at this point I had the money in our checking account to cover the overage which was the whole reason I asked for the increase in the first place.  I was initially worried that we would be charged a fee for the overage, but we were not.  I was simply trying to be proactive, and yet what a mess!

So yesterday after work (which was more than 24 hours later), I checked the website.  Nothing had changed.  Once again I called the credit union to speak to a representative.  Unfortunately the one I had worked with the day before was busy, so I had to explain my entire story to another representative: number 6.  Number 6 put me on hold, came back and asked for the numbers again, put me on hold, came back to ask for the spelling of my name on the original card, and put me on hold again for a long time.  When she returned I was told the original account was closed and that it would be another 24 hours before the other account showed the transfer of the balance.

Again I began laughing, after all it wasn't this person's fault.  I couldn't be angry, but another 24 hours?  Seriously!?  I think number 6 thought I was insane, for real.  And I did tell her that if in 24 hours things had not changed I would be canceling the account all together.  I do not have time like this to handle stupidity.

This morning the original account shows "canceled" on the website.  The new account shows a transfer of the balance.  And the cool part?  I don't owe a minimum payment!  Of course I still paid it, because after all this wasn't about avoiding payment but avoiding an additional payment.

On the plus side: Jim is now a full-fledged member of the credit union, AND the credit card associated with said institution 

What a crazy day.  What a crazy school year thus far.  But at least it gives entertaining blog posts.

Finding My Religion Update

It has been over a month since I last updated regarding my religious journey: Finding My Religion so I thought I'd give you a brief update.

These last few weeks have been so hectic with work and family matters that I have completely adored my Sundays off.  There is something so liberating with approaching Sunday morning with joy rather than anticipated anxiety.  I simply have no desire to return to that way of approaching church, so Jim and I have begun to look towards the future and where we might be happy and comfortable to worship.

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back
I mentioned that the Rummage Sale at the church was a final straw in the frustration I was feeling towards our church.  However, the final straw was finding out the Board of Education hired a Sunday School teacher.  The problem?  I am a member of the board, the chairperson in fact.  At our last meeting in August, I told the Superintendent of Sunday School that I was not going to teach Sunday School this year.  The other board member (yes, there were only 2 of us) was leaving the church, so I suggested finding a young college student to teach the children each week.  Then my family decided to not attend church until after the disaster of the Rummage Sale, and next thing I know the "board" hired a new teacher.  A phone call to the other member (my dear friend, Rachel) confirmed that the teacher had been hired by the Superintendent and Minister, not the Board of Education.

I immediately contacted the Superintendent.  She had no idea she had done wrong.  This poor communication was the last straw for me.  It sealed my desire to move along to another church.  And that is just what we are going to do.

The Grass is Always Greener
I sincerely know that my desire to find something better might not be so simple.  Jim and I have become quite comfortable in our traditional yet forward-thinking church.  The United Church of Christ is one of inclusion, not at all like the institution of my past.  However, many traditional churches are going through pains of their own, and honestly I do not want to leave one problem to go to another.  Mostly it is a case of the older parishioners wanting things to stay the same.  We also want a parish that offers a variety of activities for our children.  The ladybugs are at the ages now that having "more" offerings is important to us.

Yes, they get a Christ-centered education at school, but having Sunday School or activities for group fun is missing at our current parish.  Okay, they have Sunday School with two other children.  Yes, folks, the Sunday School is now dwindled to a meager 4 children when our ladybugs attend.  But there is nothing during the week that other churches offer.  I am not saying that my children would want to join a children's choir, or bell choir, or youth group, or Bible study, but having it as an option would suggest the church is focused on children and therefore: families.

When Jim and were looking for a parish over 7 years ago, we only had an infant: Zoe.  There was a small Sunday School class at Dearborn Congregational and a very charismatic minister.  We loved the warm people, and there were a few families we enjoyed sharing fellowship.  However, those families no longer attend, and the mindset of most of the congregation is: STAY THE SAME SO WE HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK SO WE HAVE A CHURCH UNTIL WE DIE.  Did I mention the church has $250,000 in the bank to which they don't want to do anything with?  So sad to see a slow death...

Even if the Grass is a Bit Yellow
Seriously, we are ready to find another place to worship; even if that means not having everything we want.  What I am hoping for is for our girls to feel included and loved, and to find a place that focuses on families.  Where will this be?  Time will tell.  However, I am not sure I feel like jumping into becoming a member somewhere yet.  Maybe just enjoying being a parishioner for awhile.  Jim and I have agreed to continue our tenure on the boards in which we reside.  This means after December 31st we are done.

I suppose we all have breaking points, and no amount of prayer or meditation will change my mind about where I am at in this situation.

Random Question for Future Blog: Why if One Believes in God Do People Assume One is Christian?

Your opinions are greatly appreciated!

Little Girl Stories

Last night I did something I never thought I would do: I told my ladybugs about what really happened in Kindergarten and First grade.

I guess it all started back about a year ago, when Jim told a "little boy story" after shutting off the lights.  His stories were of backyard adventures, friends doing silly things, and tales of his move from a country life to a city life.  The ladybugs looked forward to these true stories from their father's youth, so much so that on my nights (Jim and I switch back and forth each night) they begged their Daddy to stay and tell another "little boy story".

Eventually I was asked to share a "little girl story" around Christmas.  I shared my favorite Christmas memories, but then grew silent with more ideas.  It was around that time that I began to craft THE SILVER FROG, and the ladybugs enjoyed the various renderings of the story each night I put them to bed.  However, that too became old.  Luckily I remembered stories from summer vacations: places we went,  "mushy gooshy" sand my sister, Kelly, and I made in the backyard, and how we tried to dig to China.  But I avoided all tales of school.

I suppose that I didn't want to tell the girls I hated going, or that I cried every day I went to Kindergarten, or that I learned how to throw up to avoid going to 1st grade.  I didn't want them to develop their own fears and worries based on my past.  But what I neglected to realize was that Eva and Zoe (especially Zoe) had their own fears and worries - completely on their own.

So last night, after Zoe claimed she didn't want to go to school today, I shared my fears from school.  I told the girls that I too did not want to go to school.  That every day I would worry about what we would be doing, if people would play with me and that I would miss my Mommy.  Every day I spent a ton of time worrying and not enjoying my time at school.  And yes, there are good memories of playing in the Kindergarten house, singing in music, and learning to read.  But those are heavily overshadowed by the memories of anxieties and fears.  I told the ladybugs that when I look back at that time, I realize I should have stopped worrying so much and spent more time making memories of joyful times.  Allow myself to have fun - rather then worrying the fun would eventually end.

And something wonderful happened: I felt a release.  It was okay to share the dark and murky parts of my past - because that is who I was (and sometimes who I still am).  I no longer have to avoid talking about a particular "story" because I am afraid I'll give the girls anxieties.  Hell, they already have them.  And who knows, maybe it is because they thought I loved school and never worried about anything.