Accepting Help

From the Beginning 
My daughter, Zoe, has always shown some form of anxiety.  Even early on, one could view her issues through her troubles with sleep and separation.  First, there was the breast feeding until sleep.  This pretty much began co-sleeping, due to Zoe's need to be next to me all the time.  Then, I vividly remember the long car rides on the freeway which ultimately lulled Zoe to sleep.  I could no longer breast feed her, because I was pregnant with Eva and nursing was extremely painful.  After months of driving her to sleep, we made Zoe's room into a big girl room.  But prior to just laying next to her, Jim would walk her, and all the while she cried not wanting to go to sleep.  Then there were the bargaining nights: "If you go to sleep real quick you'll get a surprise in the morning!"

I tried to implore different solutions from books: The No-Cry Sleep Solution, Baby Wearing, etc.  However, one thing we always adhered to was a bedtime routine.  Our girls were always ready for bed by 8pm for stories and songs (me singing).  It was after lights were out that Zoe struggled with finishing the process alone.  

Zoe also had a very difficult time staying with a babysitter.  And going to Preschool was quite challenging.  However, we told ourselves "this too shall pass" and it did.  Each year brought different/new stress-filled Zoeisms.  A couple years ago she would say, "[fill in the blank] touched [fill in the blank]."  And would want a response that would put her mind at ease.  I blamed myself for always making sure her hands were clean, so she didn't get sick.  I supposed once you have witnessed your child turning blue because she cannot breathe (when Zoe was 2 1/2 she suffered her first asthma attack), you will do whatever you can to stop it from occurring again.

After awhile, her catch phrase was, "Something touched something." To which we were to respond, "You are fine, Zoe."  Last year Zoe would blow on herself when she was nervous.  She was really good at hiding it, but I always knew when she was nervous.  However, this school year she seems to be at an all time anxiety high.

Asking For Help
For the longest time I associated asking for help with weakness.  I have spent the last couple of months trying different methods with Zoe.  We have established that Melatonin before bed works wonders with her sleep anxiety.  We have also added Natural Calm with breakfast.  I always told myself that until her anxiety affected her school I would let things run its course.  Zoe is still an A student, but she no longer approaches "fun" activities with gusto.  After 4 years of ballet, she just didn't find the class to be worth the stomach ache before.  I had told her that until I paid the deposit for the spring recital costume, she was able to determine whether or not to continue.

However, she did decide to stay in baton (which is a new class for both her and Evie this fall).  She told me the stomach ache is worth it in the end.  This is hopeful as her mother.  I also will never force my children to participate in activities that they don't enjoy.  After all, school is essential (whether they like it or not) and the girls must go to school.  Therefore, they should get a choice for the fun classes.  Zoe has also returned to piano this summer.  She is much easier to teach than she was a couple years ago.  So I am teaching her myself rather than finding another qualified teacher.

After much thought, I really think Zoe would benefit with speaking to someone who could assist in getting appropriate coping mechanisms.  I prayed and meditated and made my decision to call a Dr. to whom our dear friend, Jill, recommended.  Jill, is a doctor of psychology herself, and works once a week at Dr. Laura Hutchison's office.  This is a huge step for me, reader.  I suppose logically I know that I didn't MAKE Zoe anxious, but because I suffer from anxiety I blame my genes for making her anxious.  I know, I know, ridiculous.  But it is the reality of life.  Wish me luck on this journey to help my beautiful, Zoe.

A Final Thought
I realize that when I write blogs that are personal, I am inviting comments especially negative ones.  I'm sure some will judge how I handled Zoe as a toddler, and some will assume I am a bad mother for letting my child "quit" an activity.  And I suppose at this point I really don't care.  Writing this is confirmation of my struggles and trials as a mother, and maybe, just maybe, it will touch another mom's life and give her permission to feel normal.