March has definitely been a month of true change and introspection. I have made decisions that will definitely change my life and the life of my Ladybugs. I have always been confident before this school year. However, I do hope that by the next "monthly wrap-up" I will be back to the old me again.
So lets get to the goals.
Goal #1: Read all seven Harry Potter books on my new Nexus 7 tablet. I was really doing well with Harry, really. Until the stress of my job completely took over my every free thought. Currently the Kindle app states I am 55% completed with the 3rd book in the series. However, I also completed my first book using the Amazon Nook app, "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe". I really enjoyed this book a lot. Per a recommendation by one of the DHftMWNtB authors, I have also started reading, "Beyond Ordinary: When A Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough". Right now my brain needs to read spiritual-focused books that restore my faith in humanity. Goal #2: Reclaim my body - mentally, physically, and emotionally. I turned 38 on the 27th of this month. I woke up feeling old. I was emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually drained. I quit my job and pulled the girls from the school the day after. I know moving forward I did the right thing for us. However, getting to the end was really stressful and anxiety ridden. I took a look at my schedule this morning and there was space! There is hope and that is the first step on a healthier path. I also decided that my spirits soar when my house smells good (not just looks good). So yesterday I bought two bunches of daffodils from Kroger (2 for $5), and my entire dinning room smells of spring. Goal #3: Give more.
This month we gave $100 to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. My God Mother and Aunt, Cindy, suffers from Primary Progressive MS. I realize the small amount we donated is pennies in what is needed to discover a cure, however, I do believe that every little bit counts. Unfortunately I did not donate my time to a cause or person needing help this month. I hope to make up for that by spending extra time in April with volunteering.
I have always been a very open person when it comes to lifestyles. I have tattoos, I would like my nose pierced, and I LOVE glitter (okay maybe the last one isn't all that wild). However, when it comes to my children I take a very conservative stand on their upbringing. I had both in a hospital, I vaccinate, and I sent them to a private Christian school. And that is exactly what I was providing: traditional values, traditional morals, traditional education. However, as I have mentioned before, the environment of the school has become quite toxic.
So after weeks of uncovering more unpleasantries at the school, Jim and I are pulling the girls from the building and I will start homeschooling Monday, April 8th.
At first I was against homeschooling the ladybugs. Why? Because I know how they can act sometimes with each other. Not nice. And being together every day could potentially drive me insane. But then a good friend of mine said that it would be special time together, time that we would always remember. And that is exactly what I hope happens. Good or bad, happy or sad; the time learning together will be a memory we will always treasure.
Yesterday a friend of mine, and mother to Zoebug's best friend, met for coffee. She is also planning on pulling her daughter after Easter break. We can help each other and keep each other's spirits up when we are feeling overwhelmed. She plans on continuing her homeschooling in the fall. However, my plan is to still have the girls attend the neighborhood school down the street. But you never know!
After an emotional early morning coffee, I arrived a work and began looking through cabinets to retrieve any of my belongings. I ran across a magnet that I have NEVER seen before. It was a music note with scripture on it. It touched my heart, and I believe it to be a perfect way to end this post.
"Thou shalt be secure because there is hope." ~Job 11:18
Over the course of the last year I feel that my heart has been torn by putting faith in other people. So effective immediately, I have decided to put faith into my decisions and my choices. When did I get so cautious? When did I get so indecisive? When?
I simply do not recall the exact moment I began to lose faith in my choices. Maybe it was when I was no longer able to listen to the hypocritical members of our church. A place I had trusted people with being part of my spiritual growth as well as the the spiritual growth of our Ladybugs. I was certain my choice to be the Chair of the Board of Christian Education was the right decision for myself and my family. I fought to keep the church alive when the former pastor was voted out. I trusted my decisions to remain a member there even though there were plenty of trials.
Maybe it was when I was harassed by parents at our school as to my decision to send our Ladybugs to a public school in the fall. For the last four years I have trusted my judgement of the school and those educating our Ladybugs, and in the last month I question whether or not we should have even sent the children there in the first place. At the time it seemed to be the right choice. I thought I was making a sound decision. Now I wonder if I am capable of doing that.
But I might just have my grove back.
Yesterday afternoon and evening I spent time going through materials I have to homeschool the Ladybugs. I never wanted to homeschool, I felt I'd go crazy. But then I took a step back to look at my dining room, and I heard my dear friend, Dana, say, "This room is better than most classrooms!" Which I realized is exactly what I have been creating without effort. The room has two desks, a calendar, a schedule, an art wall, and a variety of manipulatives and curriculum to teach my two Ladybugs. And I didn't even have to make a ton of effort in the process.
I have a small amount of time left to make a decision on if I will pull the Ladybugs after Easter break. Basically I have two choices: To homeschool the rest of the school year, or continue at their school with the knowledge of its ever-growing toxic environment. I have also uncovered the fact that there are two "schools" of thought amongst the parents.
One was the thought that God will provide. This was the "school" of thought I was a part of in the fall. I was hired with the idea that this school year was a transition year. We were going to go through growing pains (i.e. people leaving), but that it would pay off in the end. I really believed that the school was going to pull through, this time with a different curriculum and focus.
The other thought was that the school was closing at the end of this school year (or sooner). That no matter what changes the school made, the future was inevitable.
The sad part is that these schools of thought were independent of each other. People were making a marketing video, which was shown at the Christmas concert, when others were planning when to tell parents the news of the school closing.
As I mentioned above, the idea of the school closing sooner is a possibility. The school can only run if there is money, and there is not. Once the letter of its closing was sent out, parents became stressed and frustrated. Some decided to not pay their tuition. I know that if the school is to make it to June, all tuition money needs to be paid.
So I have a big decision to make - homeschool the Ladybugs or remain at a school that may or may not be closing before the end of the year. The hard part (as if there isn't enough stress already)? Is that because I also teach there, I am supposed to act like "business as usual". That NOTHING is different. So far I'm doing the best I can.
I definitely hope that I can regain that faith in myself that I know I once had. To make decisions that prove to be fruitful and beneficial for me and my Ladybugs. Time will tell!
Almost 30 years ago I had my tonsils and adenoids removed. I am told that my adenoids were so bad it took 45 minutes to remove the tissue. What I remember is the frequent throat infections, and the long recovery after the surgery. I definitely did not get the copious amounts of ice cream my grandfather insisted would be given when I woke from surgery. I was simply given a wet rag...a wet rag. The thought of it turns my stomach today, but at the time my throat was so dry I relished in its liquid. I then proceeded to vomit for the next 12 hours, or so it seemed like that. What was intended to be outpatient surgery was one of the most horrific experiences of my young life. The fact that I still remember quite a bit of the event also speaks highly of its effect on me.
How Did I Figure This Out?
I have not been feeling well. I cancelled two routine check-ups with my doctor, due to conflicting schedule stuff. However, I really thought something was wrong. I made the appointment last Monday, before I received the email asking me to pull my blog. Once I received the email, I quickly knew I would need adjustment to my anxiety prescription as well. As the week progressed, I began to have a soreness in my throat. I attributed it to the stress, and I worried that it was my blood pressure. I have high blood pressure, but it is regulated with a prescription as well.
When the nurse checked me in, I told her why I originally made the appointment. Then I shared with her the throat thing. She took my temperature, and I had a fever. Fantastic. My blood pressure was perfect, so the throat thing must be an infection. The doctor had me say, "ah," and he quickly stated that I had adenoiditis. "But I don't have adenoids," I replied. "They grew back," he stated. Fantastic. Apparently tonsils are removed as a whole unit, the adenoids are scraped. Therefore, little seeds can remain and grow new adenoids. Maybe they are back to being huge again. This would explain my snoring lately.
At least I am starting to have more motivation that I have since Christmas. I also seem to be focusing more on the positives around me.
I know there is a greater purpose for what I have been experiencing this week (and the last month in general), and logically I know the storm will pass (most likely leaving debris everywhere to be cleaned up...but that's another blog). I also believe in karma; not because I hope people "get their due," but because I believe that by loving and caring for others, I too will receive love and support in return.
I have been humbled by those who have stepped forward and thanked me for my recent blog on bullying. I have been approached by so many readers (in person and online) who want to show appreciation for my open and honest take on the subject. Even though I felt it appropriate to remove certain content until a future date, I feel the essence of my beliefs remains in the words not affected by this decision.
The truth is, I have forgiven the people who bullied me years ago and even those who have hurt me recently. But I am unable to forget the pain that I endured at their words and actions. Due to my past, I believe I am able to identify bullying and volatile situations easier than someone who has not experienced the pain, the stress, and the overwhelming sense of helplessness. I was surprised that I hit a nerve with some who felt I was being too unkind to children. Some thought I wasn't taking into consideration that children are born into sin, and therefore unable to always choose the right words or actions.
Please let me make myself clear: I do believe that some children are unkind (or other more descriptive names) by nature and/or nurture. However, to me it does not matter whether one believes a child is born into sin or whether one believes that a child does not understand their words and/or actions. What I am stating is that I believe it is sad and lazy if we as parents and educators simply brush off a child's behavior as "normal" or "how all children are". Yes, children often speak their minds, and yes, many times what they say is unkind or hurtful. However, it is our job as parents and teachers to instruct children how to behave (and not behave) toward others. It is not merely a result of one teacher doing her best to redirect conversations. We need to have assemblies, conversations, and really enforce bullying situations with consequences. We also need to have children feel that their opinions and feelings matter. Even if a teacher or adult does not perceive the situation as bullying, the student may feel differently.
And we cannot ignore what a child perceives happened, because after all our opinions are directly influenced by how we feel about our environment. As a parent it is hard to believe everything my girls tell me, but it is critical to listen to what they are saying because to them it is important. I was very lucky to have a mother who listened to my tangents of thought each night after dinner. I do not believe the teachers at the school understood the deep hurt I felt with friendships, nor was the idea of getting bullied at the forefront of conversations. However, my mother listened. I oftentimes heard, "you just have a difficult group of kids in your grade/class." Which in retrospect is like saying, "kids will be kids." But the fact remains: my mother was a saint for listening.
The Minor Fall, The Major Lift
The tricky part of bullying is that most of the time children aren't chanting the taunting minor third, "na na na na na." to another child, nor are there bruises or wedgies from bullies obtaining lunch money. That is stuff in which movies are made. Unfortunately we as parents and educators are influenced by what we see, and oftentimes serious situations go unnoticed. But I can tell you from my own experience that bullying happens at church, at Girl Scout meetings (in front of my mother), and during classroom group projects. So it hurts me when people dismiss situations in which a child or children are getting belittled, or when parents and/or teachers think the problem has been resolved. Ask the child/children involved...they will tell you when they feel safe and comfortable.
Yes, I was a victim of bullying, but nothing is quite so crushing as having your child a victim herself. When I described the situation in the bullying blog post, I was sharing frustration based on a long conversation with Zoebug, as well as an email from her teacher. I did state that her teacher deflected the conversations between the children, but the other children are not MY child. And MY child was still upset when she came home from school. In fact, it took until the following evening (and a school tour) for Zoebug to move past the situation. Maybe other children were also affected, hurt, stressed, and confused, but I am not their Mother. I also feel that the fears of these children could have possibly prevented if the school had an assembly or meeting for the entire school (parents, children, teachers, etc.) to discuss how to move forward without fears. It is these fears that can and do fuel children's reactions to others, and in many cases lead to teasing and bullying.
Trustworthy Relationships
The most difficult part of this week has been determining whom I can trust. The answer is a small few. But this is not the first time I have had to make the hard decision to eliminate people from my heart and my life.
