Having Faith in Myself

Over the course of the last year I feel that my heart has been torn by putting faith in other people.  So effective immediately, I have decided to put faith into my decisions and my choices.  When did I get so cautious?  When did I get so indecisive?  When?

I simply do not recall the exact moment I began to lose faith in my choices.  Maybe it was when I was no longer able to listen to the hypocritical members of our church.  A place I had trusted people with being part of my spiritual growth as well as the the spiritual growth of our Ladybugs.  I was certain my choice to be the Chair of the Board of Christian Education was the right decision for myself and my family.  I fought to keep the church alive when the former pastor was voted out.  I trusted my decisions to remain a member there even though there were plenty of trials.

Maybe it was when I was harassed by parents at our school as to my decision to send our Ladybugs to a public school in the fall.  For the last four years I have trusted my judgement of the school and those educating our Ladybugs, and in the last month I question whether or not we should have even sent the children there in the first place.  At the time it seemed to be the right choice.  I thought I was making a sound decision.  Now I wonder if I am capable of doing that.


But I might just have my grove back.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I spent time going through materials I have to homeschool the Ladybugs.  I never wanted to homeschool, I felt I'd go crazy.  But then I took a step back to look at my dining room, and I heard my dear friend, Dana, say, "This room is better than most classrooms!"  Which I realized is exactly what I have been creating without effort.  The room has two desks, a calendar, a schedule, an art wall, and a variety of manipulatives and curriculum to teach my two Ladybugs.  And I didn't even have to make a ton of effort in the process.

I have a small amount of time left to make a decision on if I will pull the Ladybugs after Easter break.  Basically I have two choices: To homeschool the rest of the school year, or continue at their school with the knowledge of its ever-growing toxic environment.  I have also uncovered the fact that there are two "schools" of thought amongst the parents.

One was the thought that God will provide.  This was the "school" of thought I was a part of in the fall.  I was hired with the idea that this school year was a transition year.  We were going to go through growing pains (i.e. people leaving), but that it would pay off in the end.  I really believed that the school was going to pull through, this time with a different curriculum and focus.

The other thought was that the school was closing at the end of this school year (or sooner).  That no matter what changes the school made, the future was inevitable.

The sad part is that these schools of thought were independent of each other.  People were making a marketing video, which was shown at the Christmas concert, when others were planning when to tell parents the news of the school closing. 

As I mentioned above, the idea of the school closing sooner is a possibility.  The school can only run if there is money, and there is not.  Once the letter of its closing was sent out, parents became stressed and frustrated.  Some decided to not pay their tuition.  I know that if the school is to make it to June, all tuition money needs to be paid.

So I have a big decision to make - homeschool the Ladybugs or remain at a school that may or may not be closing before the end of the year.  The hard part (as if there isn't enough stress already)?  Is that because I also teach there, I am supposed to act like "business as usual".  That NOTHING is different.  So far I'm doing the best I can.

I definitely hope that I can regain that faith in myself that I know I once had.  To make decisions that prove to be fruitful and beneficial for me and my Ladybugs.  Time will tell!