The End of A Long Week

...or Thank God for Xanex!

I know there is a greater purpose for what I have been experiencing this week (and the last month in general), and logically I know the storm will pass (most likely leaving debris everywhere to be cleaned up...but that's another blog).  I also believe in karma; not because I hope people "get their due," but because I believe that by loving and caring for others, I too will receive love and support in return.

I have been humbled by those who have stepped forward and thanked me for my recent blog on bullying.  I have been approached by so many readers (in person and online) who want to show appreciation for my open and honest take on the subject.  Even though I felt it appropriate to remove certain content until a future date, I feel the essence of my beliefs remains in the words not affected by this decision.

The truth is, I have forgiven the people who bullied me years ago and even those who have hurt me recently.  But I am unable to forget the pain that I endured at their words and actions.  Due to my past, I believe I am able to identify bullying and volatile situations easier than someone who has not experienced the pain, the stress, and the overwhelming sense of helplessness.  I was surprised that I hit a nerve with some who felt I was being too unkind to children.  Some thought I wasn't taking into consideration that children are born into sin, and therefore unable to always choose the right words or actions.

Please let me make myself clear: I do believe that some children are unkind (or other more descriptive names) by nature and/or nurture.  However, to me it does not matter whether one believes a child is born into sin or whether one believes that a child does not understand their words and/or actions.  What I am stating is that I believe it is sad and lazy if we as parents and educators simply brush off a child's behavior as "normal" or "how all children are".  Yes, children often speak their minds, and yes, many times what they say is unkind or hurtful.  However, it is our job as parents and teachers to instruct children how to behave (and not behave) toward others.  It is not merely a result of one teacher doing her best to redirect conversations. We need to have assemblies, conversations, and really enforce bullying situations with consequences.  We also need to have children feel that their opinions and feelings matter.  Even if a teacher or adult does not perceive the situation as bullying, the student may feel differently.

And we cannot ignore what a child perceives happened, because after all our opinions are directly influenced by how we feel about our environment.  As a parent it is hard to believe everything my girls tell me, but it is critical to listen to what they are saying because to them it is important.  I was very lucky to have a mother who listened to my tangents of thought each night after dinner.  I do not believe the teachers at the school understood the deep hurt I felt with friendships, nor was the idea of getting bullied at the forefront of conversations.  However, my mother listened.  I oftentimes heard, "you just have a difficult group of kids in your grade/class."  Which in retrospect is like saying, "kids will be kids."  But the fact remains: my mother was a saint for listening.

The Minor Fall, The Major Lift
The tricky part of bullying is that most of the time children aren't chanting the taunting minor third, "na na na na na." to another child, nor are there bruises or wedgies from bullies obtaining lunch money.  That is stuff in which movies are made.  Unfortunately we as parents and educators are influenced by what we see, and oftentimes serious situations go unnoticed.  But I can tell you from my own experience that bullying happens at church, at Girl Scout meetings (in front of my mother), and during classroom group projects.  So it hurts me when people dismiss situations in which a child or children are getting belittled, or when parents and/or teachers think the problem has been resolved.  Ask the child/children involved...they will tell you when they feel safe and comfortable.

Yes, I was a victim of bullying, but nothing is quite so crushing as having your child a victim herself.  When I described the situation in the bullying blog post, I was sharing frustration based on a long conversation with Zoebug, as well as an email from her teacher.  I did state that her teacher deflected the conversations between the children, but the other children are not MY child.  And MY child was still upset when she came home from school.  In fact, it took until the following evening (and a school tour) for Zoebug to move past the situation.  Maybe other children were also affected, hurt, stressed, and confused, but I am not their Mother.  I also feel that the fears of these children could have possibly prevented if the school had an assembly or meeting for the entire school (parents, children, teachers, etc.) to discuss how to move forward without fears.  It is these fears that can and do fuel children's reactions to others, and in many cases lead to teasing and bullying.

Trustworthy Relationships
The most difficult part of this week has been determining whom I can trust.  The answer is a small few.  But this is not the first time I have had to make the hard decision to eliminate people from my heart and my life.

And with that, I leave you this: