For the better part of three months, I have been reluctant to blog. Why? Because the one person I thought would always be my friend, has decided to eliminate herself from my life. People grow apart, and people change. However, it is almost inconceivable what happened on our trip to Wales. At first I was concerned for her feelings, but as the time has gone by it has come very clear that it doesn't matter what I feel. The following is an email response I sent to Dana after she waited five weeks to respond to multiple texts, emails, and Facebook messages. It pretty much summarizes my frustrations after reading a few sentence Facebook message. Her response was short, strangely worded and quite accusatory. Please note, for privacy reasons, I have left out full names.
Wales Trip
I have been anticipating hearing from you, concerned that our conversation at the hotel would be our last. You spoke as if our friendship was over, which left me completely confused and hurt. It was as if we were breaking up, and I was on the clueless side. I realize that it was hard to relax when O was messing around on the bed the entire time we were trying to have a conversation over tea, but I knew as long as I was there he wouldn’t go to sleep. I chose to leave and let you both get to sleep because you had a long journey ahead. I have reached out to you numerous times, and wish you hadn’t distanced yourself because I have spent these last weeks wondering what I (and/or my family) did wrong.
When we initially made plans to travel to Wales as a family, we were to spend a few days with you and your family as a larger European vacation. However, as time got closer and our financial situation became evident, it seemed that less destinations on our schedule would be better for the girls (especially Zoe) and for our pocketbook. I also felt that P’s declining health meant time together was more important than visiting different countries. It was about that time you suggested getting a place to stay together. I suppose it was naive on my part to not take a larger role in the planning. I didn’t realize how far away Bluestone was from Cardiff and your home. I thought you chose to have us all stay at another location because you felt your home wasn’t accommodating enough for the entire visit. Therefore, I had anticipated doing day trips to castles, rather than being a part of a vacation resort and the activities there. Like I said, I was naive. Maybe it was also that you sent those colorful brochures with my birthday present - so many wonderful places to visit.
When you told me that we didn’t need to concern ourselves with financial obligations once we got to Wales, I was taken aback but didn’t want to offend your generosity. You were so kind to open your home to my family, and you wanted us to simply relax. Relaxation is something with which I am not accustomed, but was willing to give a try. Unfortunately after the first day I felt anxious due to what I later perceived as your stress about getting everyone safely to Bluestone. You seemed to be so worried that we were comfortable, and I don’t think you ever relaxed. I thought P was to take Jim to a pub while we were staying at your home, but that never happened. Thus a heart-to-heart with you was impossible with the men there. However, how ungrateful would we have been to mention this during our visit. After all, you did not just open your home but were financing all activities.
I felt that everything - every activity and every meal - was already planned. I did not feel we were given choices, nor did I feel there were other choices in many cases. Again, I did not want to seem ungrateful. I knew how much you wanted to show us a good time there. However, it felt as if we were visitors on your family vacation in Bluestone. The pizza and cucumber lunch I bought and prepared with Jim was the first time I felt like I had made a decision on the entire trip. And I felt we had offended you and your heart when I left you and O to deal with Eva and Jim to deal with Zoe.
I know you wanted to connect on a deeper level during our spa visit. I just wanted to be with you. You asked about what was next. I answered with school starting and my new job. Not far into the future like I feel you expected. I don’t think far into the future anymore, because so many facets of my life have changed in the last 10 years. I am not in the place I had projected many years ago, but I am happier now than I imagine if life was how I had originally planned. Having children has changed how I look at life, and I no longer wish to plan for the future when the future is not promised. The present is, and I was doing my best to enjoy the present with you.
What was really peculiar was how you seemed to walk on eggshells with P. You catered to his every whim, even before he had one. Even our spa visit felt rushed because you told him we’d be back at a certain time and we were 10 minutes late. The arguing, talking, or whatever was happening our first night in Bluestone definitely made Jim and I feel uncomfortable. We already felt like we were infringing on your vacation, but once that happened we really felt uncomfortable. Then P wasn’t even there to say goodbye. It was as if he was angry with us. But, again, it didn’t feel like our vacation the entire visit.
I also feel sorry for Jim. The flights and hotel were all planned by him and paid for by his job, not mine. He only wanted a few experiences while there. He wasn’t included in a spa option, which we would have paid for, but never given the opportunity. Nor did he get the traditional English breakfast he had hoped. The one at Bluestone was like getting breakfast at Denny’s. I already mentioned the pub trip that was nonexistent. He went along with the activities, as I did, not wanting to seem ungrateful. Fish and chips is a famous cuisine, but I think he had hoped to see unique food options. However, he never once complained. Never. He made every attempt at making it the best trip for our family, and especially for you and I.
Yes, I was very down about the deaths of two friends, one of which was a very close friend. When Shelly took her life, my world was shattered in a million pieces. I am still dealing with putting the pieces back in some sense of normalcy. My depression isn’t something I can control all the time, nor is my anxiety. Sure I am on medication, but I admit that I was homesick while in Bluestone. I was confused by your behavior and how I perceived the time we spent together. One minute we were laughing hysterically about driving the golf cart, and the next you seemed to be withdrawn. However, I did my best to not let that influence my behavior. I guess I didn’t do as good of a job as I thought.
I am so sorry that you were not able to talk to me up until now. For I, too, want to be honest and candid with my words. I do not regret seeing you, but I do wish our time together wasn’t so strained. Maybe it was a case of having expectations that were never met for either of us. I do know I love you and appreciate everything you and Phil did for my family while we were there. I hope we can continue to talk openly and honestly with each other.
Please know my heart and prayers are with you as your Grandma ends her journey here. I knew something was wrong, because you posted a picture of O and her the other day. I’m so sorry, but I know she loves you. Her age does not mean her passing is any easier. Quite the contrary. Having someone there your entire life and then no longer is hard to fathom.
All my love,
Michelle
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