Identification of Self-Worth

After a very difficult and emotionally charged few days, I decided to meditate and found myself compelled to write the following.  I hope you enjoy it, reader.

Ask most women and they will tell you they base their self-worth on the relationships they keep.  These relationships can be with a spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, or colleagues.  I believe women were created as social creatures who are able to pretty much "do it all."  Through the centuries a woman's role has changed from a nurturing provider of warmth, meals and love, to virtual super-woman.  The role of woman becomes even more mulit-faceted when she becomes a mother.  This role of mother has been mine for almost 7 years.

Ten years ago I left the corporate world to be a full-time music teacher and studio owner.  I taught somewhere between 16 and 20 Kindermusik classes, directed a children's choir, had roughly 30 piano students and ran a full-time music business.  When I became pregnant with our oldest Zoe, we decided it best to close down the studio.  I had never not had a place to go to in the morning.  School since I was 5 and then a job after that.  Now I was a stay at home mom.  What did this mean?

Even after having Zoe I was lost.  I enrolled in a masters degree program for Library Science, and I decided I would never teach music for the rest of my life.  I had always worked full time or worked full time and gone to school.  I was half way to a degree in Information Science when I met Jim.  I just didn't enJOY the classes and started to feel like I was just completing the masters degree as something to do with my extra time.  I have a hard time doing nothing.  However, I was not meant to be a Library Science major, and thus decided to focus on my role as mom.

One thing I've learned in this life: the universe will not allow you to complete something that is not there for a lesson or for your true authentic self growth.  There is even Biblical scripture that speaks of this.


“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." - John 15:1-4
I often think that my branches get cut off that will bear no fruit - like my time getting two different master degrees.  I wasn't supposed to do Information Management nor Library Science.  I was meant to do music.  But when I had the studio I was not able to succeed financially, nor was I happy.  Writing music makes me happy and teaching music also brings me JOY.  But the business was not going to get pruned.  I had a very VERY difficult understanding and accepting this.  However, I notice how now that I'm teaching at home, my business continues to get pruned and bears more fruit each year.  Pretty awesome if you ask me!

Zoe was a difficult baby, requiring a lot of my time.  She didn't sleep well, and as a nursing mother I was her lifeline.  But Zoe has taught me patience and the need to relax and take life as it is.  However, I have passed down a lot of my anxieties to her.  Not intentionally, as I hope that I provide a calm demeanor when Zoe needs me.  However, anxieties are hereditary and they have been shared - passed from generation after generation and then through my father to me.  Sorry Zoe!

Last week Zoe suffered from a poor night of sleep.  Her hands were extremely dry and she was in a lot of discomfort after applying the lotion.  Thursday was a rough day at school because she had such a difficult evening with little sleep.  Friday she had a day off of school so her sleep Thursday evening was wonderful.  It was also fantastic on Saturday and Sunday.  However, Sunday night she began to worry about school and not getting a good enough sleep.  Even though she stayed up until 10pm (which is over an hour later than usual) she slept in Monday morning.

Monday is always a difficult day to get motivated and moving in the morning.  This week it was especially difficult, because I had spent the greater portion of the night sleeping with Zoe and thus had not slept well myself (as I was worried Zoe would not be happy or emotionally healthy at school).  I was able to manage to get both girls off to school, and both of them were not happy to be going.  Zoe forgot her tennis shoes (she wore boots) and Evie was not thrilled about naptime at Preschool.  I was so rushed that I wasn't able to attend my weekly Pilates class, which centers me and starts my week off on a good note.

Zoe made certain to tell me that she didn't want to leave me because she loved playing with her toys.  She loves to play PlayMobile in the mornings before school.  If she wakes at 7am - great.  But she woke at 7:55.  There was only 30 minutes to get ready, eat, and leave.  Not exactly happy times for Zoe, who is a creature of habit.  So when I dropped both girls off I was a Mommy who felt like a heel.  Why?  Because my self worth is determined by how my children are growing and glowing.  I take each one of their successes and failures personally and heartfelt.

I realize that my ladybugs are not going to always love me.  I have been called "Poopyhead" in the past.  But their well-beings and emotional/mental status is important to me.  My relationship to them as a mom is how I identify myself.  I am not just MOM, but Zoe and Evie's MOM.

I never really liked school because my mom was really cool and I wanted to stay home and play with her.  With the exception of a few teachers, I excelled highly at school.  However, I think it had more to do with my home environment.  I loved my family and my home.  It was a warm and welcoming place.  Many friends loved to hang there too, so I know it was not just me.  I suppose I wanted that for my girls too, and I should be happy they want to be with me and at home.  However, it is hard to relive some of the past anxieties of my life 30 years ago.

So as I continue to grow and learn as a mother, I believe that acceptance is the first step to changing my perception.  I love where my children learn and grow each day, but I have to admit I do miss them.  Again that is my identifying myself as their mom and not as Michelle.  Hopefully I can work on this during 2012.