The above was my moment of clarity. My "aha" moment. The epiphany I needed beyond a doubt. Where had I been the last three years of my life? Why did I look like this? How could I have ignored the changes that happened to my once thinner body? The one thing I did know: I was so glad I had decided to change my way of life starting on August 1st.
Three summers ago, I weighed 147 pounds. At 5'6" tall, I had a healthy Body Mass Index (BMI) of 23.7. I was a mommy of Zoe and Eva, a wife, a teacher, and a VERY anxious woman. This was the summer my oldest, Zoe, was rushed to the emergency room not able to breathe. Seeing your child purple, lying on your kitchen floor can make any person freak. But my anxieties became impossible to live with. Each day I would have numerous panic attacks and each day I would pray my babies would avoid any and all illness.
The fact was this: I needed help. I went to my general practitioner for a full blood workup. The results showed I was simply a normal 33 year old with social anxieties. My doctor prescribed Paxil 10mg daily. This amount quickly was raised to 20mg. I also took Xanex throughout the week. Yeah, I was really messed up emotionally. However, my husband, Jim, felt that I was so much calmer. I wasn't screaming all the time. I was happier.
As the years passed, my weight quickly rose. A year ago, I knew the size of my pants (18W) was not my standard 8 anymore. I didn't think I looked so bad, honestly. But I did want to fit in some clothing that was too tight. So, I decided to join our local city center. I also got on the scale and saw that I weighed somewhere in the 230s. I wish I could tell you the exact number, but I wasn't concerned about the number on the scale at the time. I really didn't care.
The center has a great exercise area, a myriad of classes and a drop off day care for the little ones. So each weekday morning at 9am I went (already showered and make-up I might add) and spent 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. Then I did a sequence of lifting on the machines. I thought this should work to lose the pant sizes. But I only lost 5 pounds and nothing more. I must add that I wasn't eating any different. And while working out on the elliptical machine I read; books, magazines, facebook posts were all a part of my reading pleasure.
Then in December, on a hike to the Kindergarten Christmas party, I fell and seriously injured my knee. No more working out. I did a lot of sitting. I also did a lot of pill popping (i.e. pain killers), and alcohol helped drown out the pain as well. Thus began my nightly nightcap of whiskey on the rocks.
February brought arthroscopic knee surgery, and months of physical therapy. I thought I was being healthy, doing physical therapy three times a week. Of course I wasn't losing any weight, if anything I was gaining weight.
I had my yearly physical with my doctor in March. I told him that I was having issues with my body and over-eating. I estimated my weight at 220, but the nurse never had me get on the scale. My doctor gave me an appetite suppressant, because he said Paxil does not have calories. He clearly stated, "Paxil is not making you fat." Did the suppressant work? Nope. Not at all. And it was $40 per month supply. Not cool! He even asked if I was depressed. I didn't think so. But he would have easily increased my dosage of Paxil if I had asked.
A week after my doctor's appointment, I decided that I was going to fit into the smaller clothing again. I also figured the diet suppressant would need a diet boost, so I joined Weight Watchers online. I was in the 230s (like last summer). By Mothers Day I had lost a bit of weight. But I was so unmotivated and not exercising at all: Blog on WW. My pants didn't feel smaller, and I didn't notice a change in my cravings or my desires to drink alcohol. My "points" were all spent at the end of the day on alcoholic beverages. This Weight Watchers experience was a definite spiral into depression and worse anxiety than I had ever experienced.
During the rest of the spring, I was unhappy with my appearance. I thought maybe I needed to go see a dermatologist to combat my adult acne. I made an appointment, and started on a daily skincare regimen. In a few weeks I noticed a significant difference in my skin. However, this still did not help my depression, nor my negative body image.
I was also growing out my hair, due to my desire to have hair that pulls in a ponytail. So there was practically no style to my locks, and my color was looking quite grey and lackluster. Through the lovely social network of Facebook, I found that my friend, Debbie, was working at a new salon: Salon E at Elements of Exercise. I needed something to boost my confidence, so I set up a cut and color, manicure, and pedicure. A full morning of beauty.
While I was in the chair getting my color done, Melissa came in to get some coffee. She was super friendly, and talked to Debbie about the classes at Elements. I explained my physical issues (i.e. my knee injury and surgery), and she said that I should try the classes there. The first one is free. She brought me a ton of information, and I thanked her. After my make-over was complete (I did feel a bit better), I did a lot of research on Elements of Exercise and noticed that they offered Personal Training and nutrition advice. I made the call.
When I stepped on scale Monday, August 1st I was rather horrified to see the number was 241.4. This number was almost 95 pounds more than I weighed 3 years ago! A BMI of 39! Holy crap! But when I looked in the mirror I didn't see a 240 pound woman. I didn't look that big.
Kara, my personal trainer, was very kind and motivating. She gave me a meal plan and helped me establish what I could do to get stronger each day. By the end of the first week, Jim and I were getting a myriad of vitamins and minerals suggested in This is Why You're Fat, by Jackie Warner. And by the end of week two, I had eliminated one Paxil dose per day. I was only taking 10mgs each morning with the other vitamins and supplements.
The Zumba class, as illustrated above, was exactly one week after I stopped taking the two doses of Paxil. Was the drug making me think I was thinner? Was the drug making me eat more? Drink more? Not care? I believe I had the reverse of anorexia. Since anorexia makes you see your body as fat even though you are thin, I was seeing my body as a bit heavier than 3 years ago and ignoring that I was almost 100 pounds heavier!
I began to do some research on Paxil. This is one of the reasons I love the internet! Research at your fingertips.
According to Rxlist.com, the side effects of Paxil are:
Serious side effects:
- easy bruising or bleeding (such as a nosebleed);
- very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, overactive reflexes;
- nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, loss of appetite, feeling unsteady, loss of coordination; or
- headache, trouble concentrating, memory problems, weakness, confusion, hallucinations, fainting, seizure, shallow breathing or breathing that stops.
- feeling nervous;
- drowsiness, dizziness;
- sleep problems (insomnia);
- mild nausea, constipation;
- weight changes;
- decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm; or
- dry mouth, yawning, or ringing in your ears.
I started wondering if Paxil (albeit non-caloric) could actually cause my body to work against losing weight. After all, I was working out and eating super healthy now; if Paxil would prevent my body from working correctly I needed to know A.S.A.P.
The following I found while googling "paxil and weight gain."
Why You Gain Weight with Paxil
(taken from http://www.join-the-fun.com/paxil-and-weight-gain.html)
Paxil, like the other drugs in its class, can impede specific enzymes in your liver that allow your metabolism to function correctly. Much like crimping a garden hose impedes the flow of water through it; so paxil and other SSRI's impede certain neuroendocrine system pathways. The two major hormones that regulate metabolism are insulin and leptin. Insulin works mostly within each individual cell, while leptin works between cells. Leptin regulates blood sugar through two different pathways. One controls appetite and fat storage, while the other is responsible for telling the liver what to do with its stored glucose. The fat-cell derived hormone leptin may be the key to weight gain, with or without taking paxil. As a chemical messenger, leptin tells your brain how fat you are, among other things. Leptin causes you to eat less, and it also increases the amount of energy you use (your metabolism). Therefore, it may be one of the most important factors in determining your weight. (Interestingly enough, leptin also functions as a guide for the body in determing when the time is right to reproduce, which may offer a clue as to why so many on antidepressants lose their sex drive!) The alteration of leptin (such as by taking paxil) has been shown to directly cause weight gain for some people.
Okay, so now I know that the liver cleanse I take each morning will help with this, but why didn't my doctor tell me anything about this?
Don't get me wrong. I truly love my doctor. I have known him now for over 25 years. He has been a great help with my kidney issues, my throat infections as a kid, and the staff there is stellar. But he is a doctor of medicine and eliminating symptoms, rather than a doctor of finding and eliminating the source of the problem.
Of course Paxil doesn't have calories. That is pretty obvious. It's not like I am eating a candy bar each time I put one in my mouth. However, if Paxil messes with the liver AND it causes people to crave food and/or alcoholic beverages that is almost worse than if it did contain calories. Yes, that one alcoholic beverage each night before bed, became two or three a night...every night. I wasn't getting drunk. In fact, I wasn't feeling anything...
I found the following post from a forum on www.paxilprogress.org:
Hello
This is my first time posting to this forum. Actually, this is my first time posting to any forum!
I am in the very early stages of gradually weaning myself from Paxil. I have been on it for ten years. I feel like I am coming out of a dream -- suddenly so many strange things that have happened over the past ten years are starting to make sense.
The most dramatic, however, is the realization that I think that Paxil actually made me a compulsive drinker. I remember speaking to a psychiatrist once about a woman he knew who became a "red wine junkie" while on Paxil. It sort of hit a nerve with me at the time because I was drinking a lot, but I sort of blew it off.
Anyway, while on Paxil, I felt as though I couln't control the compulsion to have another and another and another drink once I had one or two. I didn't necessarily drink often, but when I did it was in a very compulsive way -- almost like bingeing.
Since I have begun to wean myself from this medicine I am noticing a profound difference -- I no longer feel the compulsion to drink in this way. Sunday night I was at a concert and had one beer. Last night at dinner with my sister I had one glass of wine. Normally that would have started a fixation in my head with having another beer/glass of wine and would have continued far into the night.
I thought I was becoming an alcoholic. Maybe I am -- I am still trying to figure it out. All I know is that it was very hard to control my drinking while on this med and now I feel free from its grip.
There were other things I did obsessively while on the higher dose -- play solitaire for extremely long periods of time on the computer while at work, chain smoke and do 7-8 crossword puzzles at a time. All the while shutting the world out and not really noticing that I was doing it. Some friends have pointed it out to me over the years, but I didn't really see that my behavior was so out of the ordinary.
I also went on spending binges and have huge credit card debt.
I am curious if anyone has experienced similar things -- any kind of compulsive behaviors that seemed related to the Paxil.
I'd love your input.
Thanks!
Glams (9/14/2004)
There is more on this thread, and if you are so inclined you can continue reading at: PaxilProgress.
I must state that I believe Paxil effectively took away my anxieties regarding my children. I did stop worrying about unrealistic illnesses and strange ways they could die. But the thing is: would I have taken Paxil if I had known I would gain 95 pounds? No. I probably would have gone to a therapist and maybe gone on another SSRI, or maybe nothing at all.
Who knows what I would have decided to do? One thing is for certain: I am getting off this PaxHell as soon as possible. Who knows what else I have done (or not done) in the fog of paxil?
One thing is for sure: I am taking back my life. I am in a healthy marriage, my children are blessings to me, I am writing again, I am composing music, and I am moving forward without the need of Paxil to get me through the day. Having anxieties is just who I am. It is what makes me Michelle. I have accepted this, rather than desire the opportunity to change this fact. I will continue to pursue a life without chemicals and unnatural substances, and with the grace of God I will succeed.
1 comment:
Keep it up brave girl! You can do it! :-)
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