pilgrimage - day #1

Amongst the weekly meetings with Bonnie, I have decided to start a daily personal journey with God.

I am doing a 40-day journey starting today (August 16th) and ending September 24th. The literature I am following is called: Pilgrimage by Patricia D. Brown. Even though I continue on a weekly journey with Bonnie, and my Bible study at church begins on September 20th, I feel a thirst for more devotions.

As some of you know, I go to a church that was originally founded by Pilgrims many years ago. So I felt a kindred spirit towards the literature above.

I want to include those that are interested in reading my feelings and frustrations. Please come back daily to read and experience my journey.

Today's passage:
Psalm 38:9-16 (The Message)

Lord, my longings are sitting in plain sight,
my groans an old story to you.
My heart's about to break;
I'm a burned-out case.
Cataracts blind me to God and good;
old friends avoid me like the plague.
My cousins never visit,
my neighbors stab me in the back.
My competitors blacken my name,
devoutly they pray for my ruin.
But I'm deaf and mute to it all,
ears shut, mouth shut.
I don't hear a word they say,
don't speak a work in response.
What I do, God, is wait for you,
wait for my Lord, my God - you will answer!
I wait and pray so they won't laugh me off,
won't smugly strut off when I stumble.

Recently I became friends with my ex-husband's wife. We share a common thread of understanding and her initial email surprised me. However, as we continued to write, it was apparent we were so similar. We have very similar values, morals, and desires for our children (she has a 5 year old daughter). We even have the same favorite movie: Gone With the Wind.

Impossible for some to understand or even deem thinkable, our families came together yesterday to enjoy each other's company. And we all got along. Not just civilly, but the way old friends would get along.

I suppose I must state that my ex-husband and I had known each other since Kindergarten (pretty much at the same ages as our daughters). We grew up sharing in many life experiences. Getting married was a mistake, as we both learned. However, had we not got married, I'm sure we would have continued that friendship over the last 9 years; rather than ignoring each other, hoping the past would stay there.

A few years ago I had tried contacting him. More or less hoping to put aside anger and/or hurt. He wasn't ready then, so my email was ignored.

Yes, there is a time for everything. I'm just glad that our girls are able to share in friendship just like we did years ago.

My children have inspired me to be friends with those that I may not have thought would be friends. Just excepting a Jehovah Witness into my home for a weekly Bible study was a step in the right direction. I do believe since there is one GOD we are all one PEOPLE.

My desire is to surround my children with people that share in our morals, values and love for our neighbors - whether those people are old, young, or somewhere in between. We can't ultimately pick who our children choose as friends, but I know that if the foundation is solid their choices will prove successful.

In reflecting further on the Bible verse above, I am very touched by what it says. Do I care too much about what others think?

When I was younger I spent so much time worrying about if people liked me. Trying to fit into "popular" groups or the "in" crowd. I listened to the opinions, and I let the negative cloud my vision. I let the words stab my heart and soul. I was NOT the "normal" kid growing up. And that truly bothered me. In fact, I think it took until I had my daughters that I realized my obsession with pleasing others. And do these others matter? No. The only one I need to please is God.

So I hope during this 40-day pilgrimage I am able to become closer to God, and ultimately learn how to live a more devoted life. With my children and husband as inspiration, I am confident this journey will be successful. However, I'm sure I will struggle with emotions and turmoil along the way.

namaste