the grass is always greener...
Upon waking up today, I was immediately inundated by "stuff". When Jim and I weren't looking, Eva drank some Children's Ibuprofen and I had to force her to vomit. After that, we noticed most of what was in the bottle was under a towel she had used to cover her spill. Then Zoe had some asthma issues, so she had to take extra medicine this morning. Not to mention her medicine for the constipation, which she absolutely hates! sigh...
So I take Zoe to school, and after two very successful (i.e. no crying) days I left her sobbing wanting me to stay. It completely breaks my heart. I was there as a kid. I didn't want to be without my mom. However, I had mastered throwing up to stay home. I was a genius at it. I don't think Zoe is that kid. But I do find myself having great emotional stress just thinking about it. It's like I'm reliving my past through her. Not cool.
But is the grass always greener? I don't think so. I'm not sure if there is a perfect pasture waiting for me. It is not a case of arrogance, but more of a knowledge that we all have the patches of grass with dog pee; and some more than others.
In the reading for today, Mother Eve is referenced:
"God gave her everything. About only one thing did God say, 'Do not touch.' And Eve's eyes moved from all that she had to what she was missing. It is the human condition. Inner turmoil begins at the moment that I become blind to what I have and see only what I lack. Am I conditioned to believe that I need more to be content? It isn't bad to have more. It is bad when I cannot see what I do have."
I spent most of my adult life wondering what was next. I had gone to school and moved up the corporate ladder as each year passed. At the completion of each project, I found myself finding the new task at hand. When I purchased the music studio I really believed that was it - the cultivation of my education, skills, training, and desires. But I soon learned that my journey was to take a different path: Motherhood. After I had Zoe I was back on the "what's next" questioning. I registered to go back to get a Masters in Library Science from Wayne State. I had a scholarship and I was even choosing my career path. But something stopped me from going that route. It didn't feel right.
What was next was having Eva. After her birth, my anxieties became even worse. Was I going to teach piano and voice lessons from my house forever? Was there something else? Then I went on anxiety medicine and began my spiritual journey. What was I looking for? Peace and harmony - no longer the next project. My readings and research have kept my mind busy; I feel like I'm still learning and increasing my knowledge, but this time about myself and God. But I also make certain to keep my focus balanced. Because teaching music and being a mother IS a wonderful life path. Each time I try to deviate from the inevitable (i.e. teaching music), I always come back to it. If that isn't a sign, I don't really know what is.
Todays Scriptures
Psalm 121 (The Message)
a pilgrim song
I look up to the mountains;
does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.
He won't let you stumble,
Your Guardian God won't fall asleep.
Not on your life! Israel's
Guardian will never doze or sleep.
God's your Guardian,
right at your side to protect you -
Shielding your from sunstroke,
sheltering you from moonstroke.
God guards you from every evil,
he guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
he guards you now, he guards you always.
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